


Love, Alex

by ClaraZorEl



Series: (Not) the end of the world [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AgentReign, Also it's quite sad, Alternate Universe, But also, Dansen - Freeform, Danvers Sisters, Domestic Fluff, Epistolary, F/F, Family, First Love, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Love, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Sanvers - Freeform, Soft Girlfriends, These are letters guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:47:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 52,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21681685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaraZorEl/pseuds/ClaraZorEl
Summary: Alex writes to Sam, and then to Ruby.This is a companion fic forDreamboat.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kelly Olsen, Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer, Samantha "Sam" Arias/Alex Danvers
Series: (Not) the end of the world [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1562935
Comments: 29
Kudos: 73





	1. Sam

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I made myself sad writing this so now you have to be sad too.
> 
> Companion playlist is on [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0tB2sDnZovnDJxQTu7gevx?si=a6xfv1wiRBuy6vd_nxp3rg) as always.
> 
> Fair warning : as this works with _Dreamboat_ Alex's endgame is Kelly so if that's something you can't handle, don't be rude about it and just go. I love (LOVE) Agentreign with my whole heart and maybe one day I will give them a happy ending but not in this story.

1.

Dear Sam,

I’ve decided to write you letters because I'm in love with you and I don't know what to do about it, who to talk to. I mean, I could talk to Kara I suppose, I know she’s like that too, but that would warrant I'd talk to her in the first place and I don't want to. 

I'm in love with you and that's a terrible thing to be. I don't want to be in love with you, I want to be normal.

It doesn't feel better, putting it on paper. I've read somewhere that when you have trouble processing your feelings you should write them down, well it's a stupid thing to do because I don't feel better, I feel worse. 

In romantic comedies when people are in love they always look so happy. Being in love with you doesn't make me happy, it makes me feel sad and disgusted with myself. We sleep in the same bed all the time ! What are you going to think of me ?

~~Love,~~

Alex

2.

Dear Sam,

Kara is so annoying ! She found my letter and tried to talk to me about it. I don't want to talk about it ! I bet she was snooping around with her stupid little powers. I'm sorry if that was offensive to you. You have powers too. But the thing is having powers is part of what makes you so amazing. Kara having powers just makes her more annoying. After all, Dad is gone because of that... That's how I know God isn't real. Because if there was a god, then he or she or whatever would let me trade Kara for Dad. Please, don't think less of me because of that, I just really miss my dad.

It's even because of her that I can't get you out of my head. She was talking about her stupid life back on her stupid planet and how she got her first kiss at twelve cycles (whatever that even means) and how she misses her best friend, and the way she was talking about her made me think about you, the way I feel when I'm with you, the stupid butterflies in my stomach when you smile. You should really stop smiling at me... 

I went to bed last night and Kara was up late reading again (she's got enhanced vision can't she read in the dark ?!) and I couldn't stop thinking about you. I thought about kissing you. I can't fucking stop thinking about kissing you.

~~Love,~~

Alex

3.

Dear Sam,

Why do you smile at me like I've hanged the stars and moon ? If you knew, you wouldn't.

~~Love,~~

Alex

4.

Dear Sam,

I thought that if I hated you, even for a minute, my other feelings would go away. They didn't. Because I can't hate you, I could never hate you even if it were the only thing that could save my life. 

I ignored you for less than twenty four hours and you came chasing after me like the dedicated best friend you are and I started crying like the disgusting idiot I am. You smiled at me and asked me what was wrong and you looked at me like you could love me back. I wouldn't dare to believe this. It's impossible and I know that because not a second after, Peter walked passed us and you beamed at him like he's the man of your dreams. Even if he isn't, at least he's a boy and I'm not, he will always be ten steps ahead of me in this non existent competition for your heart. I'm sorry. I'm just bitter.

~~Love,~~

Alex

5.

Dear Sam,

Peter asked you to prom and you said yes. Because of course you did. 

I don't blame you, if you like him, if he's the one you want, then all I can do is stand by and be happy for you. When Kara called him a "total dreamboat" I wanted to punch her so bad. I didn't though because last time I did that, I had to wear a splint for a month and it sucked. I wish your mother would stop inviting her over for snacks. I know she does that for everyone, but I really wish she'd stop. I got her to stop following me everywhere but she still finds ways to worm herself into my life like she hasn't already taken so much away from me. I don't want the two of you to be friends.

~~Love,~~

Alex

6.

Dear Sam,

You asked me to prom and for the shortest second, I was blissfully happy. I know I'm a fool, but for a second, I really thought that you were ditching Peter for me. You were just being a good friend of course, making sure I wouldn't hide away for the night just because I had no one to go with.

You asked me to prom, as a friend, and I said yes because I'm stupid.

~~Love,~~

Alex

7.

Dear Sam,

I'm sorry, but I couldn't go. I just couldn't. I couldn't watch you dance with him, and I couldn't watch you be happy with him. I couldn't see you kiss him, and I couldn't imagine what this would lead to. I know he got a room for the two of you at the motel.

I'm sorry.

~~Love,~~

Alex

8.

Dear Sam,

I was so mad when mum sent me to camp. It was supposed to be our last summer free of worries, free of the fear of losing sight of each other in college. Instead I'm here, stuck in the middle of nowhere it kinda sucks. 

Only kinda because it made me realise something, something important. I don't want to be mad at Kara anymore. I miss my sister. I miss the things we started to build before Dad died. I miss talking to her and showing her everything about Earth. I miss laughing with her instead of making fun of her. I want to tell her all about you, about how hard it is to love you, and I want her to tell me about Krypton, how different things were there, so that I can believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me.

We were sitting by the campfire with the others, and she burned her s'more. She looked so small and sad and I could see that the others were too loud for her. So I dragged her deeper into the woods, farther away from the noise, and we cooked marshmallow with her heat vision. We didn't talk, at all, but maybe we can relearn to be sisters without drowning each other with words. We went to bed pretty late, had to sneak back in through the window. She gave me a boost because she doesn't want to fly anymore, and when I couldn't sleep, she stayed by my side. I found her asleep on the floor this morning, half propped up against the bed. I really missed my sister.

~~Love,~~

Alex

9.

Dear Sam, 

Camp and fresh air really did me good ! I have muscles in weird places because of rock climbing now. I feel more balanced too, at peace. Maybe because we were away from each other for a bit. 

On the last day, Kara and I sneaked out again and went for a long walk around the lake. We talked this time. A lot. She apologised, again ; and I told her I didn't want her to apologise anymore. The only thing it does is make us both sad and frustrated. We talked about Dad of course, and Mum ; and her Mum and Dad. She apologised for hogging the bathroom out of spite, and then made fun of me for sucking at maths and I didn't get mad. 

We talked about you too. I'm sorry I've kept the two of you apart ; you're the same, and you could help each other with things I can't help you with. I'm sorry for being such an asshole, I'll work on being better, just like Kara is working on being better too.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow !

~~Love,~~

Alex

10.

Dear Sam,

I was so thrilled at the thought of seeing you again, I barely slept on my last night at camp, my leg bounced up and down the whole way home (I thought Kara was going to eviscerate me), and when I got out of the car, and I leapt into your arms, things were different. You flinched at my touch like you somehow knew and I really don't know how you could have guessed that I'm gay but I'm sure you know. You have to know, I see no other reason why you would be disgusted by me. You looked at me, and you smiled, but it wasn't your smile, only a shallow version of it. You looked at me, and there were no stars in your eyes.

Peter came to pick you up barely five minutes after I'd arrived. You kissed him. Then you smiled at him, and it wasn't your usual smile either, I guess you have a "Peter smile" now. I want to think, hope, it didn't quite reach your eyes either, but I suppose that's just wishful thinking.

Kara was looking at you curiously, like she knew something I didn't ; and I wanted to be mad at her, mad because she made me believe things would be alright, mad because her stupid powers can sense things I can't. But I'm too tired to be mad. I'll be mad tomorrow.

~~Love,~~

Alex

11.

Dear Sam,

I'm too tired to me mad today. You were unavailable to hang out, and that's something that’s never happened.

I hope you can forgive me for being what I am.

~~Love,~~

Alex

12.

Dear Sam,

I didn't come down for dinner. I couldn't stop crying and I saw no point in something as trivial as eating. Mum came upstairs to talk to me, because I suppose that's what mums do, and it just spilled out. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I said "Mum, I'm sorry, I'm gay." At least I think that's what I said because even I couldn't understand what I was saying through sobs. I had snot and tears dripping down my face and it was a relief, because for the first time in a long long time, I felt disgusting for a real, tangible, reason, and not just because of who I love.

And she just, Sam, she just held me. Tight, like she was trying to make up for all the hugs she didn't give me after Dad died. Tight, like she was never going to let me go. I felt warm, and safe, for the first time in forever. 

Then she apologised. Apologised. 

For not noticing that I was feeling this way and for not being able to offer her support because of that. She told me she loved me anyway ; always would. And that even if I have no powers, I'll always be her hero.

Maybe being gay is okay. Maybe it's not just something that's normal for Kara because she's not from here. It's okay for me to be gay too, and if you don't like me like that, or if you don't like me at all anymore because of who I am, then I guess I'll just learn to live without you.

Love,

Alex

13.

Dear Sam,

Today, I saw Peter kissing the quarterback behind the bleachers. I wonder if I should tell you.

I tried to talk about it with Kara, but she only rolled her eyes and said "Duh" like it's supposed to mean something.

Love,

Alex

14.

Dear Sam,

I want you to always remember the promise we made to each other a long long time ago, be here for each other hail, rain or sunshine. You don't need to fear that I would ever leave you, because I will be with you, always. 

I was there the first time you heat visioned your wall while sneezing.

I was there when you attempted to run away from home because you thought you were a freak.

I'll be there for you wether you decide to have this baby or not. Not because I love you, not because you love me back ; but because above all else, and before anything else, you are my best friend and it matters more than any obstacle thrown our way. 

When Kara called me, I almost didn't answer. I was still pissed at her reaction to Peter sucking face with another dude. But deep in my guts, I felt like it was important, and I was right. Of course, Kara being Kara, she didn't really explain what was happening, and I'm sure we'll laugh about it ten years from now, but I was so scared. She talked in a measured and overly calm way but to hear her, you could have believed you were lying in a pool of your own blood. I've never ran than fast (and you know how much I hate running).

You were still sitting on the bathroom floor when I found you. Huddled close to Kara and clutching your stomach. She was rocking you back and forth, murmuring things into your ear ; you confirmed it later, but even then, I knew she was talking about Krypton. She had this look on her face, a sad frown that makes its appearance every time she talks about her family ; but she also looked stronger than she ever has, like a hero. I saw something when I looked at the two of you, and I forgot that I was mad at her because in a split second, I finally, finally, understood how the three of us could fit together, like some sort of weird space-Earth family.

You had to tell me twice that you're pregnant, I'm really sorry about that but my brain decided to stop working at this exact moment. "I'm pregnant," is a sentence that is quite easy to understand, but somehow, coming from you, I didn’t understand it at all. It took me a full minute to reconcile the contradictory thoughts of you, my alien best friend, and a tiny human growing inside of you. To be fair, up until today we didn't even know it was possible for you to be pregnant on this planet.

If Kara'd never looked so tall, you'd never looked so small, so fragile, so lost. I feel like I somehow broke my promise to protect you and for that, I am sorry, and I will try to make up for that every day for the rest of our lives. I know I couldn't have possibly known you were pregnant, but maybe it could have occurred to me that what was wrong with you had nothing to do with me. I was so blindsided by my own turmoils, by my own fears, that I forgot to look out for you.

After you uttered this few words, you didn't talk for a long time ; I guess you were waiting for me to say something. I did say something, something lame and stupid but that is true nonetheless, "I'm here for you."

Your voice was hoarse from crying and you were shivering from sitting so long on the cold bathroom floor. I draped my jacket around your shoulders but you flinched away from me, again. You said things weren't supposed to be this way. "I'm gay," you said. "And so is Peter, I'm gay Alex. Gay."

For the second time today my brain stopped working at the worse possible time and I know, I know, I know I should have said something, but instead, I kissed you. I kissed you, and you kissed me back, and it was a bit weird and wet because you were crying and I was crying too and we were sitting on the gross bathroom floor, but we kissed, and somehow it was perfect because it's ours.

We talked for hours, and for all this time, Kara stood guard in front of the bathroom. We talked about everything, everything we'd missed during the summer, and everything that was weighting down our hearts. You told me about trying so hard to be straight with Peter, I told you about forgiving Kara. You talked to me about how you were so lost, so scared without me this summer, and I told you about unlocking pieces of myself that I didn't even know existed. I told you that I'm in love with you, and you told me you're in love with me too.

I guess that's it, I'm gay, you're gay. You're pregnant. Everything has changed.

Love,

Alex

15.

Dear Sam,

Someone outed Peter and his parents took him away from school. No one knows where he is now, but there are rumours…

I know you’re scared, I used to be scared too, and it’s a very fucked up situation. But I will never, ever let anything like that happen to you. If your mum reacts badly, I will fight her myself, I wont ever let her take you away. 

You’re safe with me.

Love,

Alex

16.

Dear Sam,

You and Kara had a long discussion, and once upon a time I would have been jealous, but I’m so happy for the both of you that I don’t have space in my heart for something that petty. I'm glad that I finally got my head out of my ass and realised that the two of you need each other as much as I need both of you. 

I never told you about that, but I'm so mad at Superman for acting the way he did with Kara. He was a kid when you landed, but he was an adult when Kara crashed in fucking Siberia and he chose to drop her off here instead of taking the time to be there for her. I’m glad that the two of you have each other now, that she has someone who wants to learn about Krypton and that you have someone who can teach you about where you’re from. 

I don’t know much about what the two of you talked about, this is not mine to know. What I do know is that you just gained a sister, and I’m okay with sharing. 

Love,

Alex

17.

Dear Sam,

Do you remember that time we had a fight right after you tried to run away from home ? I was so mad and scared and you told me to meet you at the beach because it was "our place" and I told you the beach was everybody’s place and it was stupid. I know you know I didn’t mean it but I was thinking about that today. 

I was thinking about how I found you standing on top of the cliff, sad yet strong, with a scarf wrapped around your shoulder in a weirdly ominous way, you hair dancing in the wind. You were standing on that exact same spot today, but this time you had your hands resting on your stomach and I understood your decision before you even voiced it. 

You’re going to keep the baby. 

You were afraid I wasn’t going to understand, and maybe you’re right, maybe some part of this I can’t understand because we’re different. Kara told me about the kryptonian parent-child bond, and how because kids there were born from a matrix, it was important that people were genetically encoded to care for their family. I do have trouble wrapping my head around that. What I can understand however, is that since the day you started shooting lasers from your eyes, you’ve been looking for a place in this world, a purpose, and I think you’ve found it. 

You gave me an out, just like all those years ago, and just like all those years ago, I didn’t take it. Baby or not baby, superpowers or no superpowers, I have no intention of leaving you. So I asked you on a date, and you said yes. Is it crazy that I want to brainstorm baby names with you ? 

Love,

Alex

18.

Dear Sam,

I think it's safe to say things didn't go according to plan. Maybe I shouldn't have made such grand plans, but I really wanted for you to have the perfect day. I didn't want to go for the cliché date, I wanted to do better than Peter (yes, I now know that this situation was a lot more complicated than that, but I'm still jealous) ; and you deserve better than movies and a milkshake. Plus, that's what we already do all the time. (Kara pointed out that we might have been dating for longer than we realise, I'm happy to report that my pillow didn't explode when I hit her with it).

On second thoughts, maybe taking a pregnant woman to a fancy restaurant an hour away from town to eat weird food wasn't my brightest idea. Maybe we'll laugh about it in ten year and you'll tell this story to the kid, but right now, I feel so bad that you threw up all over the table and then again in the car. You're sleeping it off next to me right now, and Mum made you some of that awful herbal tea and didn't ask questions even though we both now it's the one she was drinking when she was pregnant with me.

You said you were alright and that you were definitely not mad at me for planning a sweet date, even if it went to complete shit, but I still feel kind of bad, and scared. I don't know how I can help you, how I can make this better. I just really love you, and your unborn child, and I promise to stick with you, always.

Love,

Alex

19.

Dear Sam,

You were feeling better this morning, and hyped on that disgusting tea (I'm sorry, but there's no way I'm drinking this with you, even by solidarity), so you decided to tell your mum that you're gay. Instead, you threw up on her shoes. And on Kara's shirt when she carried you to the bathroom. And on my hands when I helped you up when you thought the nausea had abated.

It's okay, I still think you're cool.

Your mum cried, a lot. And there was a moment when we thought we'd have to go pack your bag and take you home with us. Kara was so tensed, and I could feel her mentally planning escape routes and how long it would take her to pack all of your stuff. I'm glad she was here ; she helped me stay strong for you.

Eventually though, your mum stopped crying, and she thanked us for being here with you. She said she needed a bit of time to wrap her head around all of this, but that the two of you would be alright, just like you've always been. She gave Kara an entire loaf of banana bread, and invited me to stay for diner. She's never invited me, I've kind of always been there, so it was a bit weird, but the good kind of weird, the kind that says : something has shifted here, but it's for the best.

What's not for the best however, is that, has your girlfriend, she didn't want me to stay over. It sucks, because I've always slept in your bed, and also, you're pregnant so she has to know that you already know what sex is, but whatever, I'll sneak in by your window once I'm done writing this. Or maybe I'll ask Kara to give me a boost because I'm not a freaking flying ninja unlike the two of you.

Love,

Alex

20.

Dear Sam,

Turns out milkshakes and a movie was a good idea. Not that we saw much of the movie anyway. I’m so dumb, you’ve always liked milkshakes and you don’t need me to be any different just because we’re dating. Kara still refuses to talk to me after she caught us making out in our bedroom but she better suit up and stop being such a fucking child because I need to rave about you and I also have brand new teasing material, she has a crush on Jen from the track team ! This is going to be so fun !

Love,

Alex

21\. 

Dear Sam,

Well, this was less fun than I thought it’d be. Kara definitely has more guts than I have. They’ll make a cute couple. I just hope things don’t get tougher for her because of this. You and I, last year of high school, we’re almost adults (Mum would argue differently, but that’s not the point) ; but Kara looks and acts like a fifteen years old and she’s easy to pick on. She can’t even defend herself, or won’t, for the same reasons as you. I remember what it was like before she started to lay low, when Mum and Dad had to lie about the Kara shaped imprint on her locker door and that time she broke a dude’s hand when she shoved back too hard. If something happens to her, she won't defend herself, that's for sure, but it doesn't mean I won't defend her. It sounds ridiculous, pretending I can protect an invulnerable alien who certainly doesn't need my protection ; but she's first and foremost my little sister, and I'd put my life on the line for her. Kara, you, and your unborn child (you need to find them a name by the way (I have a couple of ideas)) are the three most important person in my life, and I'd do anything for you.

Love,

Alex

22.

Dear Sam,

I love you, I love you, I love you so much.

God, I sound like a broken record. 

It's not even like it's a new thing, I've been in love with you for a while, and you've been my best friend for even longer ; but you fit in my life so well it's crazy.

It's not even just how you’re my perfect big spoon, or how your hand wraps around mine so perfectly, and is always perfectly warm. It's how you help my Mum in the kitchen even when she doesn't ask. How you help with my math homework before I even start crying about it. How you practise your Kryptonese to get rid off your Earth accent. How you helped Kara knot her tie before her first date ; and promised you'd spar with her once you won't have a baby growing inside of you. You are to Kara what I could never be to her and I'll forever be grateful for that.

Love, 

Alex

23\. 

Dear Sam,

I really, really wish Kal-El would fucking man up and show up for the last of his people. You, Kara and him literally are the last three Kryptonians and by a twist of fate he’s the eldest, yet, he’s never here for you. Kara is a true Kryptonian, but her knowledge is limited to her planet, what happens in a kryptonian body on Earth is a bit out of her understanding ; but Kal knows about all of this, he studied it, he could help. 

Mum is trying her best, but when it comes to pregnant Kryptonians, you're her only test subject and she's playing it by ear. Apparently pregnancy dimmed your powers so the baby wouldn't be crushed inside of you, but it's only a hypothesis. It also made you vulnerable to human's diseases, and well, Kryptonian or not, being pregnant and having the flu doesn't mix well. Kara cried for two days straight, something about Argo fever, and it was really scary. 

Please don’t die.

Love,

Alex

24.

Dear Sam,

You punched a dude-bro in the face today, it was awesome. 

I was right though. Kara being out is dangerous for her. She's been taking it mostly well, the insults, the occasional shoving (she's much better know at pretending they can actually move her when they do that), but it's been taking a toll on Jen, and trying to keep Kara from defending her girlfriend is hard. 

At least she understands now why she can't punch back, but she still gets that feral dark look in her eyes followed by deep sadness, and it twists my heart, because I love her so much and I want to protect her from everything but I can't. How do you protect an alien who's lost everything ? How do you protect someone who's lost an entire world when the world they live in know doesn't want them ? We've been having Jen over for dinner a lot, and I've been trying to keep my spirits up because Kara doesn't like it when I'm sad ; but well, you know I cry like a baby. 

Mum says I've exceeded my detention quota for the month and she wants me to lay low for a little while. Kara agrees with her. I've been trying to explain that I'm only trying to defend her, and that someone needs to make a statement, but Mum said "words, not fists", and you know I'm not good with my words. I get worked up and words never come out right, and in the end, punching is easier.

A couple of dudes from the football team cornered them today and it could have gotten ugly, but before I could do anything, you just took off and punched the captain so hard his nose cracked. His teammates cowered away but he still tried to peacock from the ground so you punched him in the balls and landed a month worth of detention. It was super hot.

Thanks for protecting my sister. I love you for standing up for people like us.

Love,

Alex

25.

Dear Sam,

I guess what they say about pregnant women is true ; you’re glowing. And you were already the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on before, but this is different. Which is weird, because it's not even my baby because 1. it's not possible, and 2. we haven't even, you know, yet ; but there's something about a life growing inside of you that makes my heart flutters even more than usual when I'm with you. Every time I look at you I feel like I'm having a heart attack. The good kind of heart attack, if there's such a thing as those.

You're just starting to show, and Mum says we'll be able to see what the baby is soon, which means you better start brainstorming names. Kara got a bit weird when we started speculating about the baby's gender because of how things were on Krypton and how she feels about her own body ; you handled it very well, better than I would have, and Mum was very impressed too. You really are perfect.

Love,

Alex

26.

Dear Sam,

So Mum gave you an ultrasound and she knows, but you don't want to. You said she could tell me and I'd keep it a secret, but I'm in this with you, and I don't care about your kid's gender, I'll love them anyway.

It's getting more and more real with each passing day. You're going to have a kid, a little you, and you want to keep me in the loop. It's almost like I'm, you know, the other parent. Not that I'd ever voice that aloud of course. It feels too weird.

I hope they have your eyes.

Love,

Alex

27.

Dear Sam,

I’m suspended for a week, but I don’t give a fuck. I'll choose you over anything, always.

Bulky sweaters aren’t doing the trick anymore and I was so so scared. They shoved you to the ground and you weren’t moving and I saw red, crimson red. I punched and I punched and I punched until Kara had to lift me off that dude’s body because I was going to kill him. I know I would have. 

You’re sleeping next to me right now, and you’re fine, the baby is too. You’re both fine, but my heart is still beating a hundred miles a minute and I’m not sure I can ever calm down. It's crazy the length I'd go to for you and that baby. I love you, both of you ; I hope you remember that when I'm ugly with anger and there's blood on my hands.

Mum found me a therapist, maybe it'll be good for me to go.

Love, 

Alex

28.

Dear Sam,

I'll admit I was a bit wary of all of this, but surprisingly, therapy is good. It's nice to be able to talk about everything to someone else without burdening anyone close to me. I'll still write all of these letters to you, because I like it, and because my therapist said it was a good idea. Writing stuff down is a good way to unload, and it's kept me sane for the past few months. It felt weird at first, to admit to someone that I basically have a secret diary, even if it's in form of letters, because in my mind, diaries are a kid things. Apparently though, a lot of adults have them too, so it's cool I guess.

We talked about a lot of things, not about everything obviously, because it's not like I can tell her about my alien sister, or my alien girlfriend who's having an alien baby, but I did tell her about Kara being adopted and about you being pregnant. We talked about Dad too, how I miss him, how I still expect him to come home for dinner every night even though I know he won't ever again.

She asked if I'd want to work on my "anger issues." I said yes ; but I don't know how she can help with that considering that most things I feel angry about are things I can't talk about with outsiders. Can you heal from something if you can't be truthful about it ?

Love,

Alex

29.

Dear Sam,

Going back to school after suspension and holidays is a bit weird. I like learning and going to class, but lounging at home and going to work with Mum was cool too. I think I'd like to be a doctor, or at least work in science.

People were looking at me a bit weird today ; I think they're going to let us be for a while. If they don't, I guess I'll have to get suspended again, or learn how to use my words.

Love,

Alex

30.

Dear Sam,

I don't know how to process this, I don't know what words to write down, how to formulate my thoughts. I'm not sure I'm understanding correctly, not sure if it's true, if you could want something like that.

You asked Kara to be the godmother.

You asked Kara to be the godmother and I guess something must have shown on my face because you told me, God you told me that I know who I am to you, and that I know who I'll be to this child....

We're seventeen, you can't possibly want to parent a kid with me, right ?

I wear jeans with holes, never clean my room and up until last year thought Doctor Pepper was actual medication, how can I be anyone's mother ? How can I be someone that a kid will look up too ? How can I read bedtime stories when my vocabulary is 90% swears ? And my Mum still does my laundry ? And I punch first and ask questions later ?

But I want to.

And maybe I'm confused, maybe I'm too young to understand what any of this means, what I'm committing myself to, but I want to, and it will be an honour to be the mother of your child.

Love,

Alex

31.

Dear Sam,

I've been talking to Kara a lot about Krypton. I know you've been really invested in knowing more about your culture, and I want to help you raise a child in the perfect balance of human and kryptonian ideals.

And God, this is fucking hard. Krypton was such a weird planet !

I was barely starting to get the hang on the difference between a House and a family and Kara just sprang on me that on Krypton, your kid wouldn't have a birthday. Which, I mean, it kinda makes sense now that I’m thinking about it. They'd be removed from the birthing pod amongst immediate family and then named and introduced to the whole House on their Naming Day a couple of days to a week later. Maybe we can agree to stick to a birthday since we're on Earth but a Naming Ceremony does sound fun and it means I could get Kara to cook weird things from Krypton.

Anyway, this got me thinking about names, and I've made a list. I hope I have the guts to share it with you later.

Jeremiah, like my Dad. Luke, since you love Star Wars so much. And you could give them a kryptonian middle name, that way it wouldn't be too obvious, but you would know. So I was thinking about Cor, or Daron.

And if it's a girl, what do you think of Ruby ? Like your Earth grandma and your favourite gemstone. Though I suppose it'd be easier to give a kryptonian name to a girl ; after all, Kara kept hers. So what about Nyssa, or Lyta ?

And if you decide to go for gender neutral names, I really like Taylor.

I found the kryptonian names in the crystals Kara "borrowed" from Kal's man cave. Apparently you and Kara are kind of related ? Again that House/family thing is a bit complicated to understand.

Love,

Alex

32.

Dear Sam,

I really wish you would take it easy. I know senior year is an important one, and you're still stronger than the average person, but you're pregnant, and you and the baby both need rest. You keep on running around and doing to much and yesterday you decided you could handle reorganising your bedroom on your own so it would match kryptonian feng shui...

I know I'm annoying about that. I've been trying not to be, but I really worry about you and since we promised each other not to hide the important things, well I had to tell you. And you got mad. And then you cried because you were mad. And then you tried to have sex with me. And I'm very much attracted to you, like wow, you don't know half of what's going on in my head when I look at you, but also, what if these are just hormones and you don't actually want me like that ? I don't think I could handle it. We'll need to have a serious conversation about this. Once I can convince you to come out of the bathroom.

Love,

Alex

33.

Dear Sam,

As far as serious conversation go, this one was not the worst. I'm so in love with you that sometimes I can't think straight, and you, well you're in love with me too, and sometimes you can't think straight either, so we did need to talk.

We've decided to wait. You confessed to feeling gross sometimes, because of pregnancy, and you don't want our first time to be tainted by that. I agree with you. Well I agree with just about anything that comes out of your mouth, but I especially agree with that. I want things to be good for you, and I don't want you to regret anything. And I want things to be good for me too. It's important that I work on myself and what I want. 

Look at me, maybe I should study psychology.

Love,

Alex

34.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

The baby is early.

You started having contractions in class and that dumb teacher rushed you to the hospital. Well it was an adequate reaction, but you're not human and you shouldn't be in a hospital.

Your mum is yelling at everyone so that I can be allowed in the delivery room with you.

I think Kara is going to have a kryptonian heart attack.

You're screaming a lot. This is really scary.

35.

March, 30th, 2007

5 pounds. 17 inches. A tuft of dark hair and deep brown eyes, a tiny body, and an even tinier beating heart ; the baby is healthy, and so are you. As Kara would say, thanks Rao.

36.

Dear Ruby,

Today is the best day of my life. You're too small to understand this yet, but I've never felt as much love for anyone as I've felt when you locked eyes with me for the first time.

Bundled up in your Yeyu’s arms you were napping peacefully, which thanks God, because your first few minutes on this planet were really, really loud. You opened your eyes and started wailing again like this world had purposely offended you, but the moment you saw me, you just stopped mid cry, blinked, and I don't know if I'm crazy or if you really smiled, but you calmed down instantly.

I was on autopilot, reached out, had to make sure you were real. It was just you and me, even your Yeyu faded out in the background. And you met me halfway, you extended your tiny tiny arm and wrapped your tiny tiny hand around my finger. You're so small it's almost unreal. I know you're going to get bigger, grow up ; and I both can't wait to be there for you at every stage of your life, and can't bear the idea of you being anything other than the tiniest being in the world. You won't always be fragile, I know that ; you won't always need me, but I will always protect you.

I never thought my family could extend any further than my Mum and Dad, and even when I met Kara, my sister (I can't wait for you to meet her, she's going to love you so much !), I thought that was how far my heart could stretch ; but now, there's you. And I thought I could never love anyone as fiercely as I love your Yeyu ; but now, there's you. My whole life has shifted for you, and you're filling a hole I never even knew was there in the first place.

You're asleep now, in a tiny bassinet that is filled with so much blankets that I'll admit I'm kind of jealous. The nurse came by earlier and looked at me weirdly because I haven't moved ; but your Grandma Patricia scared them so much that I don't think anyone is going to ask me to leave. It probably helps that my Mum, which I suppose is your other Grandma, Eliza, works here and everybody likes her. 

You're going to grow up surrounded by so much love.

Love,

Mum

37.

Dear Ruby,

Your aunt Kara swung by earlier, and by swung by I mean she's still here staring at you like she's never seen a baby in her life (which I know isn't true because she used to babysit her cousin). You're so beautiful, I understand why she can't look away.

She brought you a plushy. A teddy bear that's as big as you and is wearing a Superman t-shirt. To her, it means you're family.

I'm going to try to get some sleep now. I don't want to, but the last time I fell asleep mid writing I ruined my favourite shirt with ink. I guess that could be my first lesson to you : don't fall asleep with your pen uncapped.

Love,

Mum

38.

Dear Sam,

For the first time since I've started writing to you, I think I'm at a loss for words. I just love you so much. I know I'm young, and that I have a tendency to get carried away, but when I look at you and Ruby, I see my endgame, the one true goal of my life, and you placing her in my arms and reaffirming I'm her mum too, means more that I know how to express.

There's a long winding road ahead of us, I'm aware of that, and I think it might come crashing down on me once I come down from my high ; but I'm ready for it.

Love,

Alex

39.

Dear Sam,

Mum sat me down and we had one of these long conversations that somehow leaves you both wrecked and stronger.

She told me that she trusts me, that she trusts my strength and my courage, and knows I'm capable of making my own decision. We talked about Dad a little bit, how he would be proud of me for stepping up and being here for you and Ruby. She told me she sees how brave I am, and that she's proud of me for taking ownership of my life and making my own decisions.

But she also urged me to be careful, and it hurts, but I have to admit she's right. I'm not really an adult yet, and I have a tiny human that's going to look up to me now. I jumped head first into this, and she supports me, but she wants me to remember I'm still growing up, and that I need to give myself room to do so. Things happened so fast between you and I that it's true, I've lost sight of this, and I'm glad I have my Mum to remind me of this and support me always.

Life is going to be difficult for you and I, we might have to face things that most people don't, and she wants me to remember that, so that when it comes to it, I'm fully prepared and aware of the consequences of my action. But she also wants me to never lose sight of all the good that surrounds us, of the family that we have, so that there's always a light in the dark. There are many lights in my darkness ; and my lighthouse can't be just you and Ruby, it has to be my Mum, and Kara, and even my Dad, watching over me from wherever he is now.

Love,

Alex

40.

Dear Sam,

So school was weird today. Obviously people knew you were pregnant, there's only so much ponchos can hide, but I thought they'd be less predatory about it. Everybody had questions about you, and most of them weren't nice. Seventeen different people asked me if I have a dick. I'm trying to be a good role model, and also not to land my ass in jail, so I fought back with words, but Kara got a week worth of detention for shoving someone in a locker. There was talk of a broken nose, and suffice to say, Mum isn't happy about it. She was so mad I'm surprised she didn't start shooting fire at her like one of the mutants in these comics you like. She did bought us both ice cream right after so I guess that's just how things are in this family.

I can't wait for you and Ruby to get out of the hospital, visiting hours are no fun and I can't sneak in by the window like when you're home. I mean, I did try but I got caught, and I don't really want to be banned from the hospital if I intend on working in one.

Love,

Alex

41.

Dear Sam,

So we neglected a little detail and got you home in the nick of time. Of course your body was going to reverse to normal quicker than a human. Thanks God Mum works here and got you discharged as fast as she could.

We set up Ruby in your bedroom, but I have so many plans for a nursery for when we move to National City ! Purple is a nice colour for a baby, right ? But here's another thing we hadn't think about and it is wether I'd move to your house until graduation. Sure, I've spent a lot of time in your bedroom before, but it's different now with the baby, it's different if I officially live here. I've been thinking about this a lot. I already have a drawer here, a toothbrush in the bathroom, and your Mum gave me my own place mat years ago ; but I don't want for Kara to feel left behind, it's already going to be hard enough for her when I leave for college. I know she'll lie and say it doesn't bother her, but she doesn't like sleeping alone, and up until now I've split my nights between my home and yours, maybe I can keep on doing that ? This way I'm not abandoning my sister, and I'm not leaving you alone with Ruby. And it'd give us an adjustment period.

I suppose we'll have to talk about this.

Love,

Alex

42.

Dear Sam,

Graduation is only a week away ! Finally ! I will miss home, Mum, Kara, but I will certainly not miss this school. I know we're not moving until mid-summer but I've already started packing my things. Kara has been a bit sour lately, she looks sad ; but I feel better knowing Jen will be there with her once we're gone. And I know her hearing not firing up every time she accidentally tunes in on Ruby crying at night will be a relief for her.

I know this has been hard for you too. You've been deflecting a lot when I try to ask, but I know having to deal with the return of your powers and a baby has been taking a toll on you. I'm hoping the hearing dampeners I'm working on will be operational soon. I've been reading a lot of Mum and Dad's research on xenobiology and I found a lot of interesting things in it. NCU doesn't offer classes on that but I might be able to find something in a private educational center.

I want to learn all I can so that I can help.

Love,

Alex

43.

Dear Ruby,

I haven't been able to sit down to write in so long, it's good to be able to breathe for a minute. Moving to National City has been hectic, more so than I thought it would be, and being back home for Thanksgiving is exactly what we all need right now. Your Aunt Kara immediately took over the moment we passed the door and she hasn't let you down since. She's been banned from the kitchen and is trying to teach you Kryptoneese which considering you don't even speak English yet is probably impossible. We've been trying to get you to call Sam Yeyu for months and I have a feeling that if it happens when she's not here she's not going to be happy about it.

Classes are very hard and having to work at the same time means I'm running on coffee more days than not. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything, I'd do it all again, meeting your Yeyu, falling in love with her, agreeing to take care of you, I love you more than anything, but I'm exhausted. It's a good thing your Yeyu needs less sleep than a regular person. She loves you so much. I don't know much about what you perceive and understand of your environment, but I hope that you know that, I hope that you can feel it. You are loved, by so many people, and we will always love you.

Out of the three of us, you're the one who's settled in National City the quickest. You love it here. The park. The neighbour's dog. Your blue bedroom, because apparently you dislike purple enough to refuse to sleep in any purple room and are vocal enough to make us understand it (Kara is still laughing about this, I hope you don't mind). We've been alternating looking after you so we can both go to class and I've been taking some online ones as well to alleviate my schedule. It's a good thing that my job allows me to have you there ; you're our customers favourite attraction ! We've made a life for ourselves here, a good one. Sure, everything is so fast paced and sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, but I don't think I've ever been so happy.

The other day I came home late after a night class, and your Yeyu had fallen asleep on the couch waiting up for me. There was dinner on the kitchen table, and the TV was still on, and you were asleep, curled on her chest with your tiny arm wrapped around your teddy bear. I had to stop, and just look at the two of you because sometimes I can't believe that this is my life, that I'm that lucky. But it is, and I am.

Love,

Mum

44.

Dear Sam,

I don't know what I was expecting for my birthday, but I think "not that" is a pretty good answer to that question. We haven't had a date night in so long, that's true, but that's to be expected with a baby, jobs and classes. So I was expecting maybe dinner at a nice restaurant and then just us at home ; not for you to drop Ruby in Midvale to fly me to fucking Paris. That being said, Kara is more than happy to babysit Ruby for us.

There's something though that's bothering me, and I don't know how I'm going to talk to you about it, I don't want to hurt you, I'm really, really happy that we get to breathe for a little while away from everything, but, you know the climate hasn't be very alien friendly lately, and I don't like it when you take risks. Flying across half the world in a big romantic gesture is nice, and I love you, but it's very dangerous, and I'm scared someone could find out, and take you away from me. And Ruby away from us. I'm going to try not to think about it until we get back. I know Ruby is safe with Kara, and for now, you and I are safe too.

Paris is very nice at this time of the year, frosty in the morning, sunny and cold in the afternoon, and not as full with tourists as I suppose it is in the summer or at Christmas. You insisted on taking the stairs up the Eiffel Tower because of course you've got legs of steel, and I thought I was going to die before we'd reach the top but you swoop me off my feet, quite literally, and carried me for the last few steps. I'm sure the view from up there was breathtaking, but all I could do was look at you, with your hair tangling in the sharp wind and your eyes lighting up in the morning sun. You're so beautiful. I almost proposed here and there, I was ready to craft a ring with an old receipt and ask you to marry me in the most romantic place in the world. But you looked at me with so much love in your eyes that I forgot how to speak. It's okay, I know we have time, and I have all the minutes between now and eternity to find a way to ask you to spend the rest of my life with me.

You carried me all the way down the tower, piggy back style. At some point, you got hair in your mouth because you were jogging too fast and you started laughing so hard I thought you were going to drop me. You glanced over your shoulder, sputtering strands out of your mouth and then you smiled, so bright it's like your teeth were made of sunlight. People were looking at us, we must have been quite a sight, the two of us, out of breath and so, so in love. We stopped for lunch in a brasserie. I got noon drunk on beer and you ate three croque-monsieur all on your own. When I kissed you, you tasted like salt and grease, and I've never been so in love.

After, you insisted we go to the Louvre, and we scandalised tourists by making out in the too long queue. We made fun of the Joconde, but my favourite part was when you tucked me away behind an etruscan sarcophagus. I'd never had sex in a museum before. We staggered back to the hotel, me, still a little bit drunk, you, so giddy that I had to check you weren't floating next to me. We didn't go the bed at all.

In the morning, you woke me up at 4am to take a train to Normandy. We watched the sunrise above Etretat. It was so peaceful ; just us, the sea and a couple of birds. We were the first customers of a little bakery in a quiet street. There was a rainbow flag sticker on the cash register and you ate your weight in croissants. I know our life is in National City, but there was a moment I could see us there. Hidden away from the world with Ruby and a couple of dogs. At some point in the future, the world would accept aliens and you'd reveal yourself in all your glory. Kara could visit easily. I'd teach science at the high school down the road. Ruby would learn to surf. Maybe you'd become a baker. It's a nice fantasy, but I blinked it away, because our life together is so much better than what I could ever envision or make up. I must had gotten lost in thought though, because you gently brought me back to the present with a sweet and buttery kiss and my heart grew three sizes with the way you were looking at me.

We'll be flying home soon. Back to real life and its expectations, but mostly back to our home and to Ruby.

I love you so so much.

Alex

45.

Dear Ruby,

I thought I'd gone a been overboard with your birthday, but your Yeyu is unhinged. She's bought you seven different complete outfits, and a dragon onesie, and she's ordered a three tiers cake from the bakery. I can't wait to see your grandma's face when it's delivered tomorrow.

We're spending a bit of time in Midvale for your birthday. Fresh air will do us all some good and I want to take you to a beach that isn't overcrowded. I'll have to keep an eye on you lest Kara whisks you away to teach you how to swim. I don't care if water is good for babies, you're much too little to go in the ocean. You've taken to calling her Rara, which is a serious update from Kaka (she speaks french you know, and I'm not sure she can ever forgive you for calling her "poop" for two months straight).

Your Yeyu and I went on a walk yesterday, and left you with your grandmas. When we came back, you were sitting at the foot of the couch with Kara, babbling away to her as she nodded with interest. Turn out you threw a tantrum because you're not allowed to drink wine, crawled out of the room and refused to calm down or be moved to a more convenient place until Kara came to listen to your nonsense. She really likes being an aunt, and seeing the kryptonian legacy carried on by you. She's taken to talking to you in Kryptonese, and though I'm not sure you understand her, you always look very interested when she does ; it makes her so happy.

You sneezed earlier, and produced little ice crystals that you found tremendously amusing but scared your Yeyu shitless ; I think despite everything, she still hoped you wouldn't get superpowers. You started crying because despite sneezing a lot more, it didn't happen again and so Kara made it snow for you. Your Yeyu started crying but insisted it was melted ice. She's scared, but I hope she can see the amazing support system you have.

Love,

Mum

46.

Dear Sam,

Do you ever feel like everything is rushing towards impending doom and you're just along for the ride ?

Alright, I'm being a little dramatic, but finals are just around the corner and I'm not ready for that.

Then it will be summer in Midvale and then school again. Classes, exams, work, Ruby growing up... Sometimes things rush by far too fast and I feel like I can't keep up. I've been talking about this with Mum and Kara ; and I think I'm going to try to find a new therapist here in National City, it did me good back home, and it could help again now. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy, I really am. But sometimes all this happiness feels a bit unreal and I can't breathe.

Kara thinks that the fact that you and her, and by extension Ruby, are basically immortal under a yellow sun plays a huge part in how I feel about everything. Out of the three of us, I'm the only one who's going to die, and maybe that's why time feels like its flying out of reach. But I don't know what kind of therapist I can talk to about this. I certainly can't go to a regular one, but I also don't want to encroach on aliens' limited space by going to an underground specialist.

I hope holidays in Midvale will give me enough room to breathe so that I can make sense of my own mess without impacting you or Ruby too much. I'll tell you about all of this eventually, but I want to find the right words before I do, I don't want to scare you or make you doubt my commitment.

Love,

Alex

47.

Dear Ruby,

I'm sorry Yeyu and I fighting made you cry. I promise you we still love each other very much, and you, even more. Grown ups fight sometimes, but it's only because they care.

I think I needed for the two of us to fight, for her to put me in front of my thoughts and show me hers in return. I've been very stressed lately, about time flying past. I've been living things at a 101% all the time because I'm afraid to miss just one second, and now I'm exhausted.

I snapped about something ridiculous, something so small that I don't even remember what it is. But when your Yeyu asked, I just unloaded everything on her. How her flying me to Paris and risking her secret scared me shitless. How I'm so afraid when she comes home late because we hear stories about dead aliens all the time and I fear that one day it's going to be her.

Once we were done yelling at each other over big and little things, she apologised, and I was so not expecting it that I started crying. She wants the two of you to make memories with me, because when I die, you'll be all alone. She feels the rush of time too, she sees it unfolding and sometimes, like me, she is scared. But she also reminded me of something I lost sight of ; we can't thing about the end all the time, because if we do, there's no way we can enjoy the rest of the story. We still have so much to see, so much to live together, and if I let my anxiety get the better of me, I'm going to miss all of it.

I'm a mortal, and you and your Yeyu are not ; but ultimately, that shouldn't be what matters. What matters is the love we have for each others and the moments we share. What matters is waking up early to see the sunrise and staying up late for the hell of it. It's lazy mornings and you crawling into bed with us. It's also putting you to bed early so that we can do adult stuff. It's holidays in Midvale. Days with my Mum and Kara. It's all that I can teach you and all that I can learn from you in return. It's marrying your Yeyu one day, and loving the two of you for the rest of my life and then some.

Love,

Mum

48.

Dear Sam,

I snuck out early to walk for a while. Midvale's beach is so peaceful in the early morning. It's just me and the sound of the sea. The sand is cold under my feet. This summer has been amazing ; I've learned to take time for myself again, and I feel good, more at peace.

We went for our first date again last night. We did it all, the hour long drive, the fancy restaurant, the weird food. You didn't throw up this time which is good because I borrowed Kara's blue oxford shirt and I don't think she would have liked for me to give it back covered in puke.

Kara and Jen agreed to babysit Ruby last night, it was quite fun to see the two of them play house, but the best part of this is that she slept at my Mum's and so we had your bedroom to ourselves. You went in first and I snuck in by your window like old times, with a little addition to the mix. God I'm blushing so hard it's like I'm competing to become Midvale's new lighthouse.

I can hear you shuffling in the sand behind me. It's crazy how you're a superpowered being and yet you can't walk in the sand properly. In ten seconds or so, you're going to plop down next to me, grumble because you have sand in your shoes, and I'll just thread my fingers in yours and kiss you because I don't care if you're grumpy in the morning, you're still very cute.

Love,

Alex

49.

Dear Sam,

So, National City again. I'll admit I missed this place, even if I love Midvale, and had to work a couple of double shifts before we left so we could afford to keep the apartment during the summer. I tried to hide Mum's hefty check and you tried to hide Patricia's ; I think we're even on that front.

I love our home. I love the place we've built for ourselves here, the nest we've created. No matter what happens during the day, not matter how shitty the world is outside ; I'm always happy to come home to you.

I love the kitchen and its tasteless whitish plastic counter that used to burn my retina and that I know have incorporated into my daily life. I love the microwave that doesn't work unless it's tipped backward. And the shelf overflowing with chipped mugs that you keep on nicking off places that "scams us with overpriced coffee." I love the table we got on Craiglist and that you painted in teal because why not. We had to put paper under one of its leg because it's wonky. I love our ugly but terribly comfortable couch. And the massive bookshelves overflowing with things that are mostly not books.

I love our cramped bathroom, how we can't really both fit in it at the same time but still try and you keep on elbowing me when I brush my teeth.

I love Ruby's bedroom with its blue walls, blue bedspread, blue everything. I love the glowing stars you put up there, arranged to recreate Krypton's constellations. I love her tiny wardrobe, tiny clothes, tiny shoes, tiny everything. I love how you make voices when it's your turn to read the bedtime story, and how you never comment when I get up in the middle of the night to check on her.

And I love our bedroom. Its grey walls and fuzzy carpet. I love how you somehow managed to cram a desk and all the books that didn't fit in the living room in here. I love how you don't care who the shirt you're sleeping in belongs to (it's mine by the way). I love the way the sun hits your face in the morning because you never close the curtains properly. I love the way your face scrunches up when it's too early and you didn't have enough sleep. And I love how we sometimes don't go to sleep at all ; how you spread me open on our bed, how you take me apart and put me back together like us tangling on the sheets in the only thing that matters.

I love everything about this place ; I love everything about us.

Love,

Alex

50.

Dear Ruby,

You broke my hand this morning. I love you, but damn, that hurts.

I was going to go to the hospital but when bruises started to show up, we realised it looked too much like a tiny hand for it to be easily explained away. Your Yeyu spent the whole afternoon blowing freeze breath on it and then, under the covert of the night, she flew me to Midvale so that my Mum could fix it for me. I'm going to have to wear a cast and go to physical therapy, and it's my dominant hand so it sucks ; but it'll make a great story to bother you with when you're older and aliens no longer have to hide in the shadows.

Your Yeyu was pretty freaked out by this, understandably ; and then she had that look on her face, the one she gets when she remembers being an alien isn't all fun and game. Once we got home from Midvale, she closed all the curtains and frenetically checked that the door was closed before going to bed. I think she's afraid someone is going to take you away from us.

You slept on the bed in between the two of us and once she was sure you were asleep, she started crying. She thinks she's passed down a curse to you, that you'll never have a normal life because of your alien heritage. And it's true, you'll never have a normal human life ; but it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Ruby, being an alien doesn't make you a bad or a dangerous person. Like with anyone else, what matters are the actions you take and the choices you make. You're developing powers, and as you grow up, you're going to become more and more powerful, but if your heart remains pure and you chose a path of goodness, the power you’ll wield won’t make you dangerous. It's an important lesson that I'll have to teach you.

There's something else I need you to remember : I'm not mad, and I'm not leaving. That's what your Yeyu asked. When she was too tired to keep on crying, when everything, big and small finally stopped crashing down on her. She asked if I was going to leave, like I'd suddenly realised the two of you are not human and it'd somehow make me love you less. It doesn't. I love you and your Yeyu with my whole soul, and I'm not leaving.

Love,

Mum

51.

Dear Sam,

You've been gone a lot lately, and to put it plainly, it sucks. I know you've been gathering information on Krypton and studying the files Kal-El keeps in his man cave so that when the time comes you can teach Ruby appropriately, but life sucks when you're not around. I can't fall asleep until I know you're home safe, and some nights Ruby doesn't want to go to bed because you're not here to read her her bedtime story. On the good side of things, I'm learning a lot about Krypton too, and you always have great stories to tell. I miss you, but it's what's best for Ruby.

Love,

Alex

52.

Dear Ruby,

Happy Birthday !

We're celebrating at home this year so it's going to be a bit cramped but we'll make do. Both of your grandmas are coming as well a Kara and Jen, and your Yeyu has started pilling presents on top of shelves. It's a good thing you can't fly yet ! This year, I'll be making your birthday cake from scratch. I've trained a little and I'm confident that I can make a good chocolate cake. Well I'll have to make two because your Yeyu and Kara have a mean appetite. Oh God, you're going to be a big eater too aren't you ?

Love,

Mum

53.

Dear Sam,

Why ?

54.

Dear Ruby,

Yeah I know, it's been a while. I'm sorry.

I don't even know why I'm apologising, it's not like I'm really writing to you, it's just a stupid diary. Kara found it in the trash and put it back on my desk. I threw it at her head.

She helped me look for you, super senses and all, but it's no use. You could be on the other side of the galaxy and I wouldn't know it.

I miss you.

Love,

Mum

55.

Dear Ruby,

I'd just like to understand why. What did I do ?

Maybe you can ask your Yeyu since I can't. Why did she take you away from me ?

I miss you.

Love,

Mum

56.

Dear Ruby,

Kara thinks I can't hear her crying at night. It's the only time when she does. Otherwise she's just, strong. I wish she wouldn't have to be. I wish you were here.

I moved out of our home. What's the point anymore ? I couldn't even look at that stupid blue we painted your walls. Everything's empty there. Even the bathroom's too big now.

My life is just boxes now. Clothes. Books. Hazardous crayon drawings. Everything is just stacked in my bedroom in Midvale. And everything reminds me of you, of both of you.

I miss you.

Love,

Mum

57.

Dear Sam,

I think I at least deserve a fucking explanation. I deserve to know why you left. I deserve to know what I did wrong. I deserve to know what I did to make you leave.

Because one moment you were there and the next you weren't and I just need to know why.

I don't know how to exist without you, and I think it’s all coming down on me now that we’ve stopped looking for you.

I don't know how to sleep if you're not next to me, and I don't know why I should wake up if not to see you. I don't know how I can reach the top shelf if you're not here to lift me up. I don't remember how to brush my teeth now that you're not here to elbow me anymore, and I can't go through the motions of a shower knowing you won't barge in looking for something. I know how you take your coffee but I can't remember how to make mine and the glow of the TV late at night reminds me of you, and the sounds of shoes in the sand reminds me of you, and the taste of toothpaste reminds me of you, and being awake reminds me of you but sleeping is impossible, and that blue sweatshirt reminds me of you, and Kara reminds me of you. Everything, every thought reminds me of you, but I don't even remember how to breathe.

So I need you to tell me ; beyond why you left, I need you to explain why I should go on.

Love,

Alex

58.

Dear Ruby,

I saw a bird today. 

I wonder when you’re going to start flying. If you’ll ever fly at all.

Maybe you'll grow up to be a Super and I'll see you on the news one day. I'm sure I'll know it's you. My daughter.

Love,

Mum

59.

Dear Sam,

I’ve been thinking about Paris a lot lately. If I’d ask you to marry me then, would you have stayed ?

I just don’t understand… And I really really need to understand how we went from us to this. What happened to break apart our happy little family ? 

Were we even happy ? I don’t know anymore.

I can understand if you don’t love me anymore, if you don’t want me. But I want my daughter back. 

Here's the deal though, the sneaky fucking deal. I'm nothing to Ruby. In our lives, in our fucking heads I'm her mother ; but legally I'm no one. I can't do anything to get her back. 

Losing you I guess I can learn to live with. It's what people do right ? They break up, it hurts like hell, but they always remember how to breathe and live in the end. But Ruby, I can't live without Ruby.

So I need you to tell me how I'm supposed to go on. How I'm supposed to get up in the morning when it's not to drop her off at daycare. How I'm supposed to breathe knowing that I won't see her first day of school.

I need you to guide me like you've always did.

Love,

Alex

60\. 

Dear Sam,

I lied. I don’t think I can learn how to live without you.

Love,

Alex

61.

Dear Ruby,

I’m moving back to National City. Kara is going to NCU and we’re going to share an apartment. I don't really want to go, but I guess I can't just do nothing. I flunked everything last year but I've been thinking about signing up for a couple of psychology courses. Maybe if I understand people better I'll understand what your Yeyu did.

Love, 

Mum

62.

Dear Ruby,

Kara wanted to paint the bathroom blue in our new apartment. 

Then she chucked the whole paint away.

We’re going to keep it white for now.

This is not okay.

Love,

Mum 

63.

Dear Ruby,

Kara said she found me in a back alley last night, completely drunk. I don’t remember any of this. Come to think of it there’s a black hole where the last two, three, weeks should be. I don’t really know what happened. 

Love,

Mum

64.

Dear Ruby,

Happy birthday.

I miss you.

Love,

Mum

65.

Dear Ruby,

Kara says she found me perched on the living room window's rail-guard. I don't remember this, but I don't even think I really wanted to jump. 

She hasn't let me out of her sight since. She's been sleeping in my bedroom. Well I don't think she's been sleeping at all really, she's just been watching over me.

I shouldn’t be doing that to her.

Love,

Mum

66.

Dear Sam,

I woke up in the hospital. They had to pump my stomach. 

There was a man there. An alien. Said his name was J'onn J'onzz and he had a job for me. A job with which I could help people. 

And Sam, I'm going to take that job. This is it, this is my opportunity to move on, to learn how to live without you and Ruby. 

I'm not going to forget about you, and I'm not going to forget about our daughter ; I'm going to miss you forever. But I can't go on like that, drunk and scaring Mum and Kara. I have to do something with my life, something useful, something good. I'm going to be better, for Ruby, and for myself ; I’m going to become the person I was supposed to be.

Love,

Alex


	2. Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so I know it's been a while but I promised I would update and I'm updating ; and it's Sanvers time ! In this chapter, Alex misses her daughter, she meets Maggie and falls in love with her, and then... Also, Danvers sisters feels ! 
> 
> I didn't put time stamps on any of the letters but if it helps with keeping track, Ruby's birthday is on March 30th (for no other reason that it's also my birthday and I was too lazy to think of something else ^^)
> 
> I updated the Spotify [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0tB2sDnZovnDJxQTu7gevx?si=QnXA8l0qSQ6f3GikPESdKQ).

Maggie

1.

Dear Ruby, 

I’ve been living with a black hole inside of my chest and most days, I struggle not to get swallowed up entirely. There are moments I can hardly breathe, but still, I push forward and I go on. I still can’t sleep if Kara isn’t home, and she hasn’t been using her bedroom much. Most night, she sets up camp in my bed because it’s easier if she’s already here when I start screaming in my sleep.

Getting my butt kicked almost everyday has been helping a lot. At least it fills me with a tangible pain that I can understand. Training is hard, but working towards a real goal feels great. I know that eventually, I’ll go out on the field and I’ll do some good for the world. The official goal of the DEO is to protect humans from aliens and other extranormal threats ; but in secret, we’re helping "good" aliens find a place in this world. Not all of us are in on this secret, but J’onn trusts me. He was a friend of Dad, briefly. He tried to save him even though Dad was part of a team hunting him. J’onn is a shapeshifter ; turns out there is life on Mars. 

The DEO has been paying for my classes. I’ve been studying xenobiology and engineering. Well, my xenobiology course is more centred on learning about aliens so we can protect ourselves from them, but if I reverse what I learn, I can help them. I’ve been giving a bit of my limited time to an underground clinic. Mum is really proud of me. I’m going to make this world a safer place for you.

I miss you.

Love,

Mum

2\. 

Dear Ruby,

I saw a little kid today who looked exactly like you. They waved at me from their stroller and for the longest, hardest second of my life, I thought they were you. It’s like the hole I’ve been patching up with punches and classes has opened up even wider than when you disappeared.

I better hide all this whiskey before Kara gets home.

I miss you.

Love,

Mum

3\. 

Dear Ruby,

I don’t think Kara was mad at me. I don’t even think she was disappointed that I’d been drinking. She just looked sad. And exhausted. She cried herself to sleep in her bedroom and she locked the door. I slept in the corridor in front of her room in case she needed me. I’ll have to ask J’onn to teach me how to open a door with like a hairpin or something.

I don’t think she likes National City very much. This city hasn’t been very kind to her. Jen and her broke up because of the distance, and she hasn’t made any friend yet. The other day, she went to class in her favourite blue shirt, with classic chinos and a funny tie. She looked dashing and I was so proud of her. She came home covered in black ink because she didn’t answer when someone asked her if she wanted to be a dude. Though I think she sugar coated it a bit so I wouldn't go on a revenge spree for her. I've been brainstorming non-lethal weapons I could borrow from the DEO to help convince people to leave my sister alone.

I know your Yeyu would know what to do ; I really miss her, and I miss you.

Love,

Mum

4\. 

Dear Ruby,

I think Kara knows I'm up to something. I moved up a level in training at the DEO and my latest sparring session left me with hard to hide bruises and a hard to mask soreness in places I didn't know you could be sore. When I came home last night, she was simultaneously inhaling a gallon of ice cream and mumbling along to _Glee_ but the moment I bumped into the coffee table and winced she zeroed in on me with her infamous crinkle and I just knew I was busted. She stared at me very intensely, I'm pretty sure she even x-rayed me, but she didn't say anything about it.

It's a thing that she does, picking up on stuff and never bringing them up while still letting you know that she knows. It's a bit unnerving, but I'm also glad that she never pushes unless she's sure I want to talk. And most of the time, her crinkle is enough to help me formulate what's in my mind even when I'm a mess ; it's her true superpower. This time though, it's not that I don't want to talk or that I don't know how to word my thoughts, it's that I’m contractually forbidden to mention the DEO to anyone. The NDA I signed did mention several black sites I could be thrown into. I don't like lying to Kara, but knowing that I'm making the world a better place for her helps with that. Well for her alien self at least ; for the rest of her, it'll be a bit more complicated. I wish I could just shield her from all the bad in the world. She's been through enough already without people shitting on her all the time. Some nights I catch her sitting by the window, starring outside with her head cocked to the side, listening. She doesn't talk about it, but I know she misses you too.

Love,

Mum

5.

Dear Ruby,

I killed someone today. J’onn said it was an accident, but still, first day on the field and I killed someone. She was an alien. No, no that’s not the right thing to say. Her name was Moyer, she had kind eyes, a sister named Karen and unfortunately, our yellow sun drove her crazy. She was in pain, and she flattened an entire city block. I went ahead and cornered her in an unstable building. It collapsed from under us. She lurched forward and I think part of me understood that she was trying to save me, but I still pulled the trigger. I’m sitting in the DEO locker room now, covered in her blood. I know I need to go home, I need to see Kara. But what am I going to say to her ?

I killed someone’s sister today.

Love,

Mum

6.

Dear Ruby,

So I came home. Kara was sitting on the couch, waiting up for me. She does that when I come home late and forget to lie about where I am. She looked surprised, I think. By the blood I mean. She wasn’t surprised to see me, she can hear me coming from much farther than I can fathom. She hugged me, hugged me tight, and didn’t let go until I’d stopped crying. 

I don’t think any amount of dry cleaning will save her white shirt. 

Then I spilled my guts. I told her everything, absolutely everything. She wasn’t mad. Well, Kara rarely gets mad, but I thought it’d be the kind of things that would anger her. "Hey it’s me, your sister, I’m training to be a secret agent and sometimes I kill people who are just like you." But all she did was listen intently and then tell me she’s proud of me. She ran me a bath in that shoe box that pretends to be a bathtub, then tucked me in for the night. Sometimes I feel like she’s the big sister.

Love,

Mum

7.

Dear Ruby,

Happy birthday.

Love,

Mum

8.

Dear Ruby,

I think things are looking up for us. Kara is settling in more, she’s even made some friends. There’s Winn from her computer science class, James her journalism TA and Lucy who she bumped into in a coffee shop. They’ve been making heart eyes at each other for a while now but I don’t think either of them know it. 

And I, well, I sort of met someone too. Her name is Maggie. We’ve been hanging out a lot, and it’s the first time I get butterflies in my stomach since I met your Yeyu. Well since I met Sam. My therapist told me that I need to detach myself more from you and Sam. It’s hard to make the conscious effort to not think of myself as your family, but she really thinks it would help, so I at least have to try. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. I miss you everyday. I get up in the morning and there’s this hole in my chest that I have to patch as best as I can before I can go on with the day. Some days are harder than others, but I still get up and move forward, and I have hope that one day missing you won't be intolerable.

Maggie is a cop. I met her on a crime scene, my crime scene. She got all pissy at me when I asked her to leave and shoved my new fake FBI badge in her face. She said her boss asked her to be here so she was here and it was not negotiable. I started laughing because she's super small and she kinda looked like an overheating hobbit. She got really mad and it was not so funny anymore so I apologised and offered to buy her a drink. The rest is history. Or at least I'd like it to be. She just broke up with her girlfriend and I don't think she's into dating right now. So we're just hanging out for now. Going for walks, drinks and movies. I invited her to game night. She's really good at Cluedo, better than me even (which Kara finds hilarious for some reason) ; I think she'd make a good detective one day.

Love,

Alex

9.

Dear Sam,

I met someone. 

I met someone and it makes me mad at you. It makes me mad at you because before everything, before I was in love with you, before we were together, before you left, you were my best friend, and it’s the kind of things I’d want to gush about with you. 

I want to tell you all about Maggie. About her amazing smile and her kind eyes. About her chestnut hair and her dimples. I want to tell you we hugged last night and it was the best I felt since you left. I want to tell you she smells like strawberry candies and her laugh sounds like music. I want to tell you I almost kissed her last night but chickened out. I want to tell you everything but I can’t because you’re not here. Because you fucking left.

Some days I still miss you and it’s infuriating.

Love,

Alex

10.

Dear Ruby,

I'm away on assignment. It's a bit weird to be in a place that is neither my apartment in National City or home in Midvale but I think it's doing me good. I mean, despite the obvious danger. We've been tracking the coming and going of the South american branch of an organisation called Cadmus. They're lead by the man whose face J'onn is wearing most of the time ; apparently, he isn't dead. It's been mostly stake out up to today, but we're close to getting them. Cadmus is experimenting on aliens, illegally ; you need a government licence to torture people.

I kissed Maggie before getting on the plane. She didn't kiss me back. I talked to her about Sam the other night and now she thinks she's my rebound even though it's been two years.

Oh God, it's been two years already.

Maybe I shouldn't have kissed her, maybe I should have worked harder to read and understand the situation ; I think I was fuelled by the idea of going away for a while. I hope I can at least salvage our friendship, I really like her.

Love,

Alex

11.

Dear Ruby,

So we fucked up, royally. Hank Henshaw bombed the Cadmus site and managed to escape and fly all the way back to National City with some of his crew. We managed to catch up with them just when the NCPD was working on cutting their escape route. In the process, Hank Henshaw was killed, thus destroying our only link to his higher ups.

Maggie got hurt, not too badly, but it was still scary and foreign enough (alien weaponry) that we had to take her to the DEO to patch her up. She's fine now, sleeping it off in the med bay. She kissed me. Said something about life being too short and kissing the girls we want to kiss. I agree with her.

Love,

Alex

12.

Dear Ruby,

So, Maggie and I, uh. It feels good. Maybe in a slightly weird way because I never thought I could like (love even) anyone as much as I loved Sam. We went back to her place and haven't left the bedroom for the past three days. Alright, you don't need to know about that.

I feel better than I have felt in years. Not complete, no one could complete me as much as you could, but fuller, less hollow than I was when I thought she would never like me back and I would always be a slightly empty shell, with cracks not properly patched and a heart not fully beating. This is not the end of my healing path, and I’m not sure healing journeys ever end, but I feel alive with her by my side, and I know I can do it.

Love,

Alex

13.

Dear Ruby,

Life has been really good lately, awesome even, and it’s taken a while, but I think I’ve finally stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. Kara and I have been holding regular game nights with Lucy, Winn and James. Maggie and I always team up, we're kind of a unit now. Kara likes to joke and call us gross but I don't think she really minds because I'm really happy, and no matter what faces she pulls when she catches us making out in the kitchen, I know she's happy for me.

Things with Maggie are moving very fast. I stay at her place a lot, and unless I'm working overnight, it's rare that I wake up anywhere but beside her. It's nice. Her apartment isn't the greatest, it's small, cramped, but it's also always warm and welcoming and somehow, there's always a ray of sunlight on her face in the morning. Maggie in the morning light is the most beautiful thing I've ever laid my eyes on. Her golden skin, her onyx hair, the way her lips part and her eyelids flutter when she starts waking up. I'm falling for her, fast, but I'm not scared.

I've been very clear with her on one things though and it's that Kara comes first. No matter what, my sister is my first priority. Well second actually ; my therapist told me that my first priority should always be myself and my well being and though it sounds like a bit of a wild concept, I'm trying to be healthier. Sure, Kara has Lucy now, a "best friend", and seeing one without the other is mostly unheard of these days ; but it's always me that she calls when she comes home from a bad date, me that she needs when the memory of Krypton is too hard to carry on her own. I never miss a sisters night, the thought itself is ludicrous ; and the way she lights up when I bring her surprise potstickers is my favourite thing. I'm so glad that despite everything, we are where we are now.

Love,

Alex

14.

Dear Sam,

Sometimes I really wish you were still in my life, as my best friend. Today’s silly inquiry is about being a good girlfriend. You did a great job with Kara when she was dating Jen and I really need your luminous ideas right now. I don’t necessarily think that she regressed since you left but she hasn’t been doing great in the dating department lately (people are mostly fucking assholes and the list of people I have to punch is getting longer by the day) so she’s a bit down on herself when it comes to this, and Lucy, well Lucy mostly wiggles her eyebrows suggestively every time I talk about Maggie. 

See, Maggie is exceptional, and I want to be perfect for her. Kara keeps on saying that Maggie already likes me and that I don’t need to woo her, but from times to times, I’d like to do something nice and romantic for her, or maybe just something different than what we always do. I don’t want her to get bored with me. 

You’d know what to do. I miss you.

Love,

Alex

15.

Dear Sam,

I think I’m a bit thick sometimes, a "big dummy" as Kara would say. 

I was a bit late for sisters night (DEO business) and when I finally arrived at the apartment, nothing was ready. No insane amount of movies to watch, no pizza in the oven, and no Kara. Instead, there was a half drank bottle of zakarian ale abandoned on the counter and sniffles coming from the bathroom. I followed them here and found Kara frozen, staring at herself in the mirror. She had her hair down, something that never happens, and there was a cracked mascara bottle in her right hand. She was crying, and hunched forward like she was trying to make herself small enough to fit into the mirror, and, I realised, into what others would want her to be. 

Long story short, because I’m still so mad and I’m really trying to stay calm, that girl she’d been dating for a while needs a new nose, and I need an icepack for my hand. 

We talked well into the night and as we were talking, the advice that you’d give me became crystal clear ; "just be yourself, always be yourself." Even as I’m writing, I can almost hear your voice and I’ll admit I double checked that you weren’t simply in the room with me. Myself is who I need to be with Maggie ; herself, is who Kara must be allowed to be. I’ll always fight so my sister can be who she is.

Thank you.

Love,

Alex

16.

Dear Sam,

I took your indirect advice, decided to just be me, and took Maggie to the shooting range. She was a bit surprised at first when I asked her out so formally, but then, like me, she realised that we haven't really been on a date-date because we just jumped head first into a relationship. Her laugh of delight when she realised where I was taking her is one of the best sounds I've ever heard. We stood clear of the crazy xenophobic assholes who enjoy shooting at alien shaped target, and, in our own little corner, we had a lot of fun.

I'm not gonna lie, I did show off a little. But I'm a good shooter and what's the point of working out if not to flex a little in front of my girlfriend ? It worked beyond what I thought it would work.

We were wearing these silly ear protections, which I don't really get because I don't have to wear that when I'm at work and I definitely loudly shoot at things all the time. Anyway, she said something and I didn't quite get it. I just saw her lips moving and she had this adorable smile that completely melted my insides. So I took off my protections, nearly gave myself a black eye in the process because of her dimples, and I asked her to repeat what she'd just said. And she said, God, she said, "Nothing Danvers. I just love you that's all."

I was so astonished that I didn't say anything back. She said it so casually, but I could see in her eyes that she meant it, really meant it. I felt a bit stupid, standing there, arms hanging limply at my sides and brain completely fried by words, that after you, I didn't think I'd ever hear again in a romantic way. I love her too, but the words refused to go from my brain to my mouth. She didn't seem to mind that much, she just smiled that dimpled smile of hers and kissed me on the cheek.

We went for vegan burgers afterwards, the terrible kind with the soggy fake meat that she loves so much. She's a bit of a messy eater, and she somehow managed to get both ketchup and smoothie all over her upper lip. I kissed it off for her, and after I did, I almost told her I love her too. I couldn't, but it didn't upset me, I feel like we have time.

I'm lying in bed awake now, Maggie is on a night shift. I always have trouble sleeping when that's the case but tonight I have something else on my mind too. I'm thinking about you. And to be clear, I don't want you back. I do miss you sometimes, as my best friend, you fucked me over too much for me to want you back as anything more. But I was wondering if this might not be the reason why I can't tell Maggie I love her, if the innate fear that she'll leave like you did is stopping me somehow. It wouldn't surprise me.

Love,

Alex

17.

Dear Ruby,

I've been working more and more with kids at the alien clinic. It was a bit of a tough start, with me being human and all, but it's been going good for a while. Kids love me and their parents trust me. Kara says it's because I have a calming presence, which Lucy finds hilarious but I don't mind, I care about my sister's judgement more than her own. They're still making heart eyes at each other but there has been zero progress in this department.

I've met a lot of amazing kids. Some I only see once, some others come back because of long term illnesses. Earth can take a toll on their developing bodies and it can be hard to find a permanent solution for them. When we do find a solution though, it's amazing, and the act of helping even just one kid is worth all the setbacks. The only real downside of working with kids is that I think about you, a lot. I remember you were quite chatty, I wonder if it's still the case. Probably. You must be talking Sam's ears off as I write this. No one could ever replace you, but I do hope that one day, I'll reach the place where I can start another family.

Love,

Alex

18.

Dear Ruby,

Happy fucking fifth birthday.

You're still so fucking young, so I'll pour one out for you.

I miss you.

Love,

~~Mum~~ Alex

19.

Dear Ruby,

I know Kara wasn't happy about this, but I'm so glad that she didn't say anything. She just took the bottle out of my hands. Tucked me into bed and watched over me during the night. My sister is fucking amazing.

I miss you.

Love,

Alex

20.

Dear Ruby,

Remember when I was telling you that I'd finally stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop ? Well maybe I should have stayed vigilant. I had a fight with Maggie.

It started as something so silly that I can't believe it got that far. As lesbians elder, we were gently making fun of Kara and Lucy, and then she went a step further than usual and suggested we push them together. I said it wasn't a good idea, and she pushed. I said no again, and she still pushed. Then she asked what "Kara's whole deal is". The thing is, the fact that I said no should have sufficed. The fact that, as Kara's sister, I know what's best for her and know we shouldn't mingle in her love life should have been enough for Maggie to drop it. She didn't, but in spite of that I'm sure I wouldn't have said anything if she hadn't directly asked about Kara. Maybe I shouldn't have snapped, but in today's context, people pointedly asking about my alien sister scares me. Even if said people happen to be my girlfriend.

I went to Kara's. I don't really live there anymore so it's not my apartment, but anywhere she is is a safe place for me. She didn't ask questions, she wouldn't have pushed anyway, but there was no need for it because I spilled my guts the moment I passed the door. I'm scared, really. Because I love Maggie but it never occurred to me that her not knowing about Kara could cause any sorts of problem. I was so used to Sam just knowing that I forgot that not everyone close to me knows about my sister. I suppose Maggie knows about the DEO, I mean I took her there and we're not very subtle with our branding. But I never told her about the alien clinic, and for all I know, she could be anti-alien rights, considering that I myself shoot at aliens for a living.

I don't know what to do... Well I do know. Kara comes first. Kara will always come first.

Love,

Alex

21.

Dear Ruby,

Kara slept on it and decided that if I want to tell Maggie about her, she's okay with it. She set my head straight, pointed out all the facts that point to Maggie not being an alien hater, then hugged me for a long long time and promised she trusted my decision. I do feel a bit bad about this because I feel like I'm pushing Kara out of the alien closet for my own benefit, but I think I'm going to tell Maggie. I love her, and I want to let her further into my trust circle, give her the chance to really be part of the family. I hope it's the right decision.

Love,

Alex

22.

Dear Ruby,

It was the right decision. Well I didn't tell her right away, but when I did tell her, it was the right decision.

Maggie came to Kara's to apologise. She had bags under her eyes and she looked so small and tired that I couldn't restrain from hugging her. She apologised for pushing and prying, and then she explained. She doesn't have anyone in her life that compares to who Kara is to me, doesn't really have a family apart from her aunt. She doesn't know what having a sister is like, doesn't know what wove the bond between Kara and I. She tried to insert herself into the family and went about it the wrong way. I forgave her, and in turn apologised for not being more mindful about her family history. I almost told her I love her too.

Then I tried telling her about Kara but I kept stalling, couldn't bring myself to out her just for me. So Kara came to the rescue. Before she hovered off the ground, there was a flash of hesitancy, a flicker of doubt that made me want to call the whole thing off. I know she did it for me, and I love her for that, but I still feel a bit guilty about this.

When Maggie noticed that Kara was flying she just started laughing. She barreled into a full belly laugh and when she managed to catch a breath, she mumbled something that might have been "fucking knew it," and told us she had something to show us. We went to a bar. A dingy hole in the wall called "Al's bar." It was fulled of aliens. I think it's safe to say that Maggie isn't an alien hater and that I worried for nothing. Kara made a couple of friends ; it was nice.

I did ask Maggie how she suspected that Kara wasn't from here. Her first point is that Kara never uses oven mitts, something I'd never noticed. Her second, is that no one on Earth "looks like that." I don't know how to think about the fact that my girlfriend finds my sister hot ; but things worked out so I'm fine.

Love,

Alex

23.

Dear Ruby,

I love lazy mornings, but as life is moving on, lazy mornings aren't something I get to experience much anymore. With exams coming up I'm literally working all the time and with growing unrest in the alien community, I'm on call 24/7. Don't get me wrong, I love going to class, I love learning ; and I also love working at the DEO and being a trusted agent there. But I also miss snuggling with my girlfriend and being woken up by the sun because she never closes the curtains properly. I think that we'll take a vacation soon, definitely somewhere sunny.

Maggie wants to go to Europe but I'm not very pro Old World. I did check the flight possibilities so I could surprise her but somehow all the cheapest one have an insanely long layover in Paris, and I, I just don't want to be anywhere near there, let alone in it. I wonder what places you'll grow up to love, or hate. Is there a cool park next to your house ? Do you like your school ? Travel plans have me thinking about how I'll never put you on a plane for your very first solo trip, how I'll never obsess about packing your bags for you, how I'll never fill your pockets with snacks. The things I'd give up just to see you roll your eyes at me once, just once ; the way I could just drop anything to hear you complaining about me being overbearing... It's a bit overwhelming.

Love,

Alex

24.

Dear Ruby,

Well it's settled, we're going to Italy ! I get paid quite decently by the DEO but Mum still chimed in so we could take a direct flight. Maggie literally locked me in the bathroom because I checked our bags three times and was ready to empty them again just to be sure. She clearly is more carefree than I am ; but I also caught her trying to smuggle her gun in her suitcase which is dumb and irresponsible so I don't think she has much ground to stand on. I'll have to ask Kara to discreetly x-ray everything to be sure we're not accidentally doing something illegal.

Love,

Alex

25.

Dear Ruby,

Italy is insane. And by insane I mean it's 104°F in the shade and I'm sweating in places I shouldn't be sweating in. On the plus side, I'm eating enough ice cream to make even Kara's record seem pale in comparison and all the museums are refrigerated. Yesterday we went to Tarquinia, a medieval city an hour outside of Rome that also houses a massive amount of etruscan tombs. Etruscans were certainly imaginative when it came to decor and I've seen enough painted dicks to last me a life time but Maggie found it quite educational and, apparently, inspiring. With how enthusiastic she was, I guess I can see her point of view.

Different city, same love, and waking up to Maggie is still my favourite thing. Lazy morning here aren't the same as back home, but I love them, and this down time away from what we know is exactly what I needed. The sounds are different here, the sun is too, but her arms around me, the smell of her weird vegan shampoo, are constants that tie the new to the familiar in a warm and comforting way and remind me that no matter how hard life can be sometimes back home, we're together and that's what's important.

I love the way her sunglasses are slightly too big for her face. And how she refused to ditch her heavy boots even though her feet are baking in them. I love how she always put too much pepper on her pasta and then spends ten minutes sneezing like a cute animal. And how she somehow always, always, end up with ice cream all over her face even when she eats it with one of these crap plastic spoons. I love how she looks at me like I've hanged the stars and moon even though I can't voice that I love her back. And how when she dumped all her change in the Trevi Fountain and I asked what she'd wish for, she said nothing and just looked at me. In her own words, I just love her, that's all.

Love,

Alex

26.

Dear Ruby,

You know that way reality slams back into you when you come back from a break ? Well it sucks. The moment the plane landed in National City, Maggie and I were pulled apart from each other. There's been a rise in alien related crime (damn Luthor and his racist speeches) so I'm working almost 24/7 and Maggie's unit was sent away to help with a crime in Gotham of all places. I miss her, and most days when I have a moment to rest, she's already asleep. I also worry a lot, about Kara. She's been more and more restless about alien rights, and, I know her, I know she won't do anything stupid, but none of this is good for her mental health. I fear she's reaching the end of her rope.

I hope you're doing well and that Sam is doing all she can to protect you from this shit.

Love,

Alex

27.

Dear Maggie, 

It’s weird, but I just realised I’ve never written to you before. Guess I never needed to when you were next to me. I miss you like crazy and it’s exhausting not knowing if I’ll see you again tomorrow or in weeks. I’m already missing someone full time and I’d really like if you were with me right now, if you could come home and tell me everything's gonna be okay. I wish you'd be here to hold my hand and tell me I couldn't possibly have saved that child. I wish you'd be here to add one more voice and tell Kara it's okay to be angry. She's been talking about the DEO a lot lately and I'm scared. I think she wants to help, but it'd be too dangerous for her.

Sporadic texts, abridged phone calls are not enough to fill me up with you, and though I live for that minute or two when I get to hear your voice, I just wish you were here right now.

I want to turn back time and go back to Italy with nothing but the sun, free time and you. Wake up in bed at unknown hours, hold you, love you. I’ve seen too many mutilated bodies lately and all I want, all I need, is to see your face. Come back to me soon.

Love,

Alex

28\. 

Dear Ruby,

Things have started to calm down a little around here. Not in the right way though, there’s a curfew in place for anyone a bit too alien looking. 

On the bright side, Maggie’s home.

I hope you and Sam are safe.

Love,

Alex

29.

Dear Ruby,

Here we go again. And by that I mean I’m back to school on top of working for the alien clinic and at the DEO. I might have a bit too much on my plate. The good thing is I have enough credits to graduate early so I'll be done by the end of the semester. The bad thing is I'm not sure I can handle much more of this xenophobic bullshit.

I wonder where I'd be right now if Kara wasn't my sister, what kind of person I'd be if I'd never met Sam, which side I'd be on if I'd never held you in my arms. Would I be one of the assholes ? Would I be part of the scared crowd ? I like to think otherwise, I like to think that I'd still be on the "right side" of things ; but really, too many things factor into who I am today for me to know who I'd be if Kara had never landed on Earth or if Sam had never started shooting lasers from her eyes. 

An asshole, I'd probably be an asshole. Kara helped me become a better person so without her I'd probably be an asshole. An alien hating asshole however ? I don't think so. 

Love,

Alex

30.

Dear Ruby,

It's been a while since I got to sit down and write to you ; I've been busy, I guess. But I've also had a strange realisation, one that's left me empty but in a weirdly comfortable way ; I don't miss you as much as I used to. You're no longer in my thoughts at every moment of every day, no longer the latent motivation of everything I do ; you're becoming a simple memory. I think it's a good thing.

We're in Midvale for Thanksgiving, it's the first time I take Maggie there, and the moment I crossed the threshold of the house, I thought of you. It hit me all of sudden, I stepped inside of the house and realised that of course you weren't there but also that until this very moment I hadn't even formulated the desire of having you there. You simply hadn't been on my mind for a while.

Of course, realising that I wasn't thinking about you made me think about you and I started crying. And panicking. Because I couldn't breathe and you weren't there and all the moments you hadn't been on my mind caught up to me to crush my heart under intense loneliness. I couldn't speak, couldn't voice the multitudes of fearful thoughts that were whirling in my brain ; but I didn't need to. Kara was there, as she always is, understanding and kind, and she just held be until I stopped crying, until an intense and uncanny calm washed over me and I realised that I'd passed a new threshold in my life.

She made me tea afterwards. The herbal kind from the green can that used to drive Sam crazy and that I still drink mostly out of spite. I wonder if she still hates it. Only when we were all sitting around the table did I realise that Maggie was there too. I don't know what to think about the fact that I just forgot that my girlfriend was there with me. I don't talk about you much with her ; you're this sacred thing that I'm hesitant to share and so she knows so little about you that she was mostly confused and hanged back awkwardly as Kara took control of the situation. It must have been a very weird introduction to Midvale for her. I took her for a long walk on the beach, even showed her the place that was exclusive to Sam and I. We left Kara behind to cook with Mum (read eat all the food and create chaos in the kitchen) and I took this opportunity to talk about you, I mean, talk more about you. I told her about the little things that makes you you, about all the things I'll never get to know about you ; and when we came home, chased from the beach by the setting sun and a cold drizzle, I realised I'm okay. I hope you are too.

Love,

Alex

31.

Dear Ruby,

Merry Christmas ! Do you like Christmas ? I suppose you do, kids love Christmas. I wonder if you've been ice skating yet. Sam loves it but you might still be too young for that. I got a bomb for Christmas. Like a literal bomb. To defuse. I got called in at 2 am for that. Adult's life sucks sometimes, please, enjoy being a kid while you can.

Love,

Alex

32.

Dear Ruby,

So it’s graduation day. Mum flew in from Midvale. Maggie is here. Kara brought Lucy and some friends from college. Even J’onn is there. So I don't really know why all I can see are the people who aren't there. Dad ; and you. Sam too I guess, but mostly you. Today of all day I wish you could see me. I've come a long way, and I think you'd be proud.

Love,

Alex

33.

Dear Ruby,

I’ve been thinking about Dad a lot lately. I think it’s because of graduation and officially being done with college which sort of makes me a real adult. I’ve been think about that a lot, being an adult, what it means. I think in a way I’ve been an adult for a very long time. Since before you were born, since even before Sam got pregnant. I think I’ve been an adult, the bigger person in the room, since Dad died. 

A lot of the decisions I’ve made in life, I’ve made because of you, and I can’t help but wonder what he would think about this. Sure, he used to work for the DEO, but what would he think about me working there ? I think he’d be glad that J’onn found me. What would he think about Kara and I ? About our fights and all the times I pushed her away ? I think ultimately he’d be happy we still found each others. 

All of this lead me to realise that between Maggie and I, we don’t even have one dad ; hers’s a dick and mine’s dead. Kara joked about it in the way one does in a hard conversation, when there's not much that can be done to make it better. She said she'd walk me down the aisle at mine and Maggie's wedding if I was okay with her looking better than me in a suit. Which of course I'm okay with that. Kara looks better than anyone in a suit so there's no point with even trying. And I'd love for her to walk me down the aisle. But marriage though ? That's a weird thought. I know u-hauling is a lesbian thing and that's basically what Sam and I did, but I think I'm a bit too young for marriage ; even if I do want to spend the rest of my life with Maggie. I hope that’s what she wants too. I think Dad would have loved her ; and I know he loved Sam, but what would he think of you ?

Love,

Alex

34\. 

Dear Ruby,

Today’s Valentine’s day. It doesn't mean much though because Maggie doesn't like it and I don't care much either way. Well I do care, I used to celebrate it with Sam and thought it was a fun little holiday, but I do understand why someone would not want to make a big deal out of this. We're still spending the day together though, and I bought fresh flowers for the apartment and she rolled her eyes at me like I'm insufferable and God, I love her. I think I might be ready to say it, but I'm not in a hurry, and I think she knows anyway. 

Because even if I'm still scared sometimes and even if such words seem impossible to utter, I never stop showing her. I'm here, I'm present, I remind her to be careful when she goes to work and I stock up on her disgusting ice cream, I bring an extra scarf everywhere because she always forgets and I don't drink when she's had a hard day at work so I can carry her home from the bar. She's my sun. She's my sun in the way Earth's sun gives powers to Kara ; Maggie gives me strength. 

Love,

Alex

35.

Dear Ruby,

I told Maggie I love her. That’s all. 

There’s not much to be said about it. Or actually there are a thousand of things I could say about this but I’m not sure my words could ever do justice to this moment and this feeling.

I came home from work and she was in the kitchen, dancing and cooking spaghettis. The bandaid covering the gash in her forehead from when some dude she was trying to arrest head butted her was hanging limply, she looked ridiculous, and I just said "I love you." Then I said it again.

I’m happy, Ruby. I’m happy.

Love,

Alex

36\. 

Dear Ruby,

Happy birthday.

Love,

Alex

37.

Dear Ruby,

I asked Maggie to marry me. 

Okay, that does require a bit of context but the important thing is I asked Maggie to marry me and she said yes. 

Someone set off bombs in National City. As in multiple bombs. Some in the alien neighbourhood, some in the financial district, and then one in the children's hospital. It was impossible to be everywhere at once. We did try, both the DEO and the NCPD and then Kara called Kal to the rescue because I made her promise that she wouldn't be too obvious with her powers. Similar explosions happened in Metropolis and he had to make a choice. I don't resent him, I can’t. 

A building collapsed on Maggie and I. Not a small one. And we got trapped under the rubble. I don’t even know how we got lucky enough to not be crushed to death ; I don’t want to think too much about it. I couldn't move an inch because there was a metallic pole just above my leg and if I'd so much as breathed in that direction it would have collapsed on it. Maggie was right next to me. Thanks God she was right next to me. A hand grabbed mine and it wasn't hers. It was a small bright orange one and I recognised it because I'd helped them paint their nails just a week before. It was almost severed from the rest of their body that must have been somewhere else beneath the rubble.

I started panicking. I think. I wanted to stay level headed, for Maggie, for everyone, but I couldn't breathe and it smelled like blood and burnt flesh and I thought I'd never see the light of day again. I thought I’d never see Kara again. Maggie, Maggie was crying, tears drawing clear tracks in the soot on her face and she just put her hand on my heart and breathed with me until I could breathe on my own again.

Then her torch gave out and we were in the dark. I couldn't see the little dead hand wrapped around mine anymore, and I couldn't see the pole threatening to crush my leg ; so I turned towards her and I said "If we get out of here, will you marry me ?" And she said yes. We stayed there for God knows how long, her head on my shoulder, trying not to fall asleep because God knows what would have happened if we'd so much as closed our eyes ; until eventually something moved above us and Kara's face appeared in a hole. She dragged us out, hugged me until I had bruises and when we were finally standing under the sun, Maggie turned to me and said, "I love you, and the answer is still yes."

So that’s it, I asked Maggie to marry me and she said yes.

Love,

Alex

38.

Dear Ruby,

Life as an engaged woman is, well not much different than life pre-engagement at all. I feel secure in my happiness and secure in my love for Maggie. We bought rings for each other ; they're beautiful but practical for when we're out on the field. I didn't think I could find a ring that fits under tactical gloves, but apparently there's a market for that and finding this out made me happy in a giddy sort of way.

Mum came in from Midvale to see us, she's really happy ; but Kara, Kara is ecstatic. She's taking her sister role very seriously and she bought a bunch of wedding magazines that she reads religiously at all hours of the day. I'm happy that she's invested like that but it's also very funny. She says she's studying Earth's customs, and I think I might let her drop a couple of kryptonian specific details in the ceremony, since I'm sort of Kryptonian by affiliation. By affiliation to Kara I mean, not to you or Sam. I've decided that the fact that you're no longer in my life doesn't mean that I should sever my connection to a world and a civilisation I learned so much about. It makes her happy, I think. Since the attack, she's been hovering around me and Maggie very protectively ; I mean more that usual. But there's also something new in her eyes, a glint of fulfilment and happiness that wasn't there before. I think I know what it might be but I'll let her come to me first.

I hope you're happy too ; I think you are, you were a very happy baby.

Love,

Alex

39.

Dear Ruby,

So, I think I should have talked to Kara, maybe then I wouldn't have been scarred for life. I came by for sisters' night and found her getting it on on the couch with Lucy. So I was right, but I wish I couldn't unsee that. Maggie thinks it's hilarious ; of course.

I need to go bleach my eyes.

Love,

Alex

40.

Dear Ruby,

I'm happy, Kara's happy ; it's like we're living in a perfect bubble of happiness, one that's see-through enough that we can see the shit happening all around us but that's strong enough to protect us and keep us happy. I didn't think I'd ever feel like that again.

We're taking everyone to Midvale for a break ; the town is beautiful in the spring and I think Maggie will like it. Kara's taking Lucy of course, but also her two friends from college, James and Winn, who might are might not be involved in some way. Maggie, of all people, pointed out that not everyone is gay ; and Lucy agreed, said that some are bisexual, and winked, so Winn and James are definitely into each other. She was playing with Kara's bicep so I had to look away. There are some images that I don't want imprinted in my mind no matter how innocent they might seem. You'll understand when you're older. Or you won't. Good luck to Sam for the sex talk.

Love,

Alex

41.

Dear Ruby,

Midvale in the spring is, well I don't really know how to explain it ; it's special. Kara would to this better, since she can decompose smells without thinking about it and her eyes pick up colours that I don't have a name for, but for the sake of keeping up with my writing habits thing even when I'm unabashedly happy, I'll give it a try.

Midvale in the spring is blue, and green, and cottony white. It's sea salt, freshly sprouted flowers, and warm bread drifting from the open window of the baker on Main Street. It's tickling grass, rough sand in my sheets and the not quite forgotten feel of Dad's old wood tennis racket in my hand. Maggie is shit at tennis, but it's better than Kara who doesn't play at all because she keeps launching the balls in the stratosphere. Somehow she never quite got the handle on this and she's so upset by it that it's kind of hilarious.

Mum's happy that the house is full ; even if it means it's loud and littered with sand and mud because Kara never takes off her shoes when she comes home from her morning run and Winn has an uncanny way of collecting sand in every nook and cranny of his clothes. I think it gets lonely out there, now that everybody's gone. I've always had someone to come home to, you and Sam, then Kara, and now Maggie ; Mum doesn't have anyone anymore. Her and Patricia used to be very good friends but it doesn't take a genius to guess why their friendship was jeopardised. I don't know if Sam even bothers with visiting her mother anymore so I hope Mum and Patricia can find each other again. And invite me to their bake-offs. I seriously hope they invite me to their bake-offs.

We play board games every night and it's a good thing Kara isn't too much of a sore looser because all our games are lead lined. Maggie kicks everybody's ass at Cluedo, James is very good at Monopoly, Lucy is scarily good at Jenga and Winn is crazily inventive when playing charades. Kara remains unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit but I'm 99% sure it's because she's memorised all the answers. She's sneaky like that. I've been looking at her and Lucy a lot. Not in a creepy way, they're just always there. They move in sync, almost always in each others vicinity. Kara smiles a lot more now ; I'm happy that she's happy.

I took Maggie to the same restaurant Sam and I had our first date. Not just because it's the only fancy place for miles, but because I want to make new positive memories there. I told her about that time Sam threw up on me when she was pregnant which on insight might not have been a very good idea because she looked seriously disturbed. We still had a nice evening though ; they had vegan ice cream at the restaurant, I'm still not a big fan but it's growing on me.

Love,

Alex

42.

Dear Ruby,

I had a long painful and healing discussion with Mum. About Maggie. Now that the excitement of the engagement has died down (on Mum's side, I'm still very excited about being engaged (God, I'm engaged !)), she wanted to know if I was sure about this. This being marrying Maggie. And I'm sure about marrying Maggie, but it still got me thinking, and so I told her about it. I told her about what it's like waking up next to Maggie, and that it's what I want to do for the rest of my life. I told her about coming home to her everyday, about dancing in the kitchen and overcooking pasta. I told her Maggie makes me feel whole even when I'm really not. I told her she makes me happy and that given the uncertainty that comes with our job, it's a precious feeling that I want to keep and cherish forever. There was glint of something in her eyes and I know, I just know that she was thinking about Sam ; but when she opened her mouth, she talked about Dad. She told me about falling in love with him. She told me about the boundless happiness born from being with him, the big and little things, the splinters he kept getting in his hands this one summer he built the outside deck, the donuts he'd run to town to get for her when she was pregnant. She told me about the joy of my birth, how her heart stretched to accommodate more love than she ever thought was possible to feel. She told me about the twist in her guts every time he left with the DEO, the cold emptiness left by his death, the bottle of his cologne she still keeps in the bathroom. She told me to trust my heart and that's exactly what I intend to do.

Love,

Alex

43.

Dear Ruby,

Back to National City, back to work, back to not enough sleep. My living room is a wedding plan clusterfuck, and alright, half of it is maybe my stuff because I got a little overboard but the rest is definitely Kara steadily slipping into madness and Maggie printing out Mum's daily mood boards. You can picture Lucy laughing on the sidelines. It's maybe a little stressful, choosing a colour scheme and flowers and a menu and a venue, Midvale or National City (can we afford to fly everyone to Hawaii ?) traditional or not, should we extend an invitation to Maggie's estranged family, can she get her clothes tailored to hide her gun... It's a bit crazy, but it's Maggie I'm marrying and I love her, so I'm okay. She's much more tethered and level headed than I am, but she humours me with an ever present smile and that twinkle of love in her eyes I love so much. Even if I'm going slightly unhinged over pastel colours, she's here, and she loves me, and I'm happy.

Love,

Alex

44.

Where did I go wrong, where did I go wrong, God, where did I go wrong ?

45.

Dear Ruby,

Maggie is gone. That's all.

Well that's not all but, but I'm just tired.

Love,

Alex

46.

Dear Ruby,

I don't, I don't know where to start. I really don't. I feel like I've been torn apart and put back together the wrong way. Like my limbs aren't my limbs anymore and my heart isn't beating in my chest and I can't breathe. I can't breathe without Maggie.

I'm writing this from Kara's couch. My couch again I suppose. And I haven't moved at all in so long that I'm not sure my legs could carry me anymore if I were to try. There's no point in moving anyway, is it ? I'm not going to come home to Maggie anymore and when I wake up it won't be next to her and the next time I wipe a stain it won't be from her face. There's no point in moving if it's not to get to her.

She doesn't want kids. I think that's the thing that I should say, the thing that is important to note, to repeat over and over again until I fully understand why we had to break up. She doesn't want kids and thought that I wouldn't want them either ; because of what happened with you. We should have talked about it. Maybe I should have explained earlier or better that no matter what my therapist says and no matter what I write and repeat day after day, I'm always going to be your mum. And I'm always going to want to be a mum.

I tried to fix it, I tried to not want this, but I can't. I can't and now she's gone and I miss her and I miss you and. And I didn't think my heart could break even further, I didn't think it was possible to go on like that still breathing and living but torn apart.

Kara is going to come home soon, I think. I should move. I really should move.

Love,

Alex

47.

Dear Maggie,

I don't like writing to you. I don't like writing to you because it means you're not there and this time it's even worse because you're gone for real. I'm not sure knowing this was the right decision makes it any better. Is it even the right decision ? How can it be when leaving you on the belief that I will someday have a kid means I'll never come home to you again. That I'll never wake up next to you again and that I won't see your eyes lit up when you see me anymore. That I can't kiss you or hold you, and that I lost my perfect game night partner.

You're everywhere in my life. Your smell is on my shirt, your picture in my wallet, your stupid ice cream in my freezer. I moved out of our apartment. I know you did too, but I just couldn't be there without you. Kara is going to take care of everything. The lease, and cancelling wedding things. She's also moved all of my things back in her (our) apartment and done my laundry and stocked up the fridge with everything I like and bought me a new shampoo that doesn't remind me of you. It's silly, but it's all I can focus on, the fact that she bought a shampoo that doesn't smell like you. I don't know what I would do without her. I really don't.

We're back in Midvale. I took all the days off I could and Kara is just not going to school I suppose. She didn't let me protest ; and I'm glad she didn't. It's quiet here, I like it. I just don't sleep much, I can't without you. I don't cry a lot either, I don't think I can. But when I do, Kara is always there to hold me. Mum too. I get mad a lot however. I yell and yell and yell until my voice is hoarse and I can't anymore. I'm not really sure who I'm mad at though. You ? Me ? Sam ? Probably all three of us if I'm being honest. You for assuming I didn't want children, me for assuming you would, and Sam, Sam for taking my daughter away from me.

Being with you, being in love with you, it helped. You patched my heart and made it less wonky and now that you're gone it's back to beating for no reason. Except it's worse this time, because on top of missing my daughter relentlessly, I miss you fiercelessly. And I have to hope, hope that I will be alright again, hope that I can get over you and move on and live my life just like I've done before. But for now, for now I don't know if I have enough strength to carry that much pain.

I miss you. God, I miss you.

Love,

Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started working on the third chapter (Kelly !) but fair warning it won't be posted until the end of [Dreamboat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20460731) for spoiler reasons ^^


	3. Kelly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I'm on a roll of updates today and even if I suppose some of you might be mad about _Dreamboat_ I hope you'll enjoy this anyway. In this chapter, Alex falls in love with a soldier and it's a mess because I know nothing about the army ! Also, more Danvers sisters because I love them.  
> Side note, I double checked and on the show Kelly's dead fiancée doesn't have a name. I was watching the L Word as I was writing this so her name is now Dylan and that's all ^^
> 
> As always, the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0tB2sDnZovnDJxQTu7gevx?si=pnhz-SR1Ri6jREnHlBabTQ) has been updated. 
> 
> **Important note : the starred letters (*) are the one Alex actually sends.**

1.

Dear Ruby,

I am. That's it. I just am. And it's gonna have to be enough for now.

Love,

Alex

2.

Dear Ruby,

Life goes on. Ultimately I think that's the hardest part. You lose someone, they leave you or you leave them and the Earth doesn't stop spinning, the Sun doesn't stop rising, the universe doesn't stop moving. The world goes on, with or without you, and you have to keep getting up in the morning and living like it isn't the most excruciating thing to do. Every new day I miss Maggie just as much as the last, but I go on, because that's what I'm supposed to do.

Foolishly I wish for you to never know heartbreak, but I know it's no use, heartbreak is a part of life, at least that's what everybody says. And I suppose that's true, because even if Maggie and I aren't meant for each other, I don't think I'd take back the moments and love we shared. I just don't know what to do with the hole in my heart, because when she left, she ripped apart the foundation of all the work I'd done to heal from you.

I miss her and I miss you.

Love,

Alex

3.

Dear Ruby,

I have a cold and I feel miserable. It feels petty and almost unimportant to write this down but I have to because I never get sick and now I am and I feel like shit. I'm alone. Bundled up under the covers and surrounded by a thousand used tissues with no one to take care of me. I could call Kara I suppose, but she's with Lucy and I don't want to bother her more that I already do. She deserves a break from me. I wish I could get a break from myself.

Love,

Alex

4.

Dear Ruby,

So I don't have a cold. I have a particularly strong strand of the flu and Kara is really really mad that I didn't call her. She came home completely disheveled saying my heartbeat sounded weird and then proceeded to fully panic about Argo fever before she remembered that it's 1. an illness that disappeared with Krypton and 2. humans wouldn't be able to catch it anyway. I still feel like shit, but at least I'm (probably) not dying.

She's in the kitchen now, making an Earth friendly version of a kryptonian soup, taking care of me as she always does. I feel a bit stupid for not calling her earlier ; she's always there for me and she never minds. That's the best thing about, well about everything, I still have my sister.

Love,

Alex

5.

Dear Ruby,

I've decided to make friends. Okay, now that I've written this down I do realise that it sounds a bit weird and that might be why Kara gently laughed when I said that. So let me back-pedal ; I want to have friends that are not Kara's friends and therefore mine simply by proxy. I want to make a meaningful connection with someone as an adult. 

Because I realised that apart from Sam I never really had a true friend ; and then of course she wasn't just my friend anymore. I have Kara of course, she's my best friend, but she's also my sister, and I think it's about time that I get out of my own head and make a friend. Preferably a gay friend.

Kara tried to point out that I have friends of my own, namely J'onn and Vasquez. But J'onn is more of a mentor and Vasquez is a coworker with whom I played pool once ; I'm not sure they qualify as friends.

I've been feeling lonely is, I think, the gist of it. And it's not a new feeling, I've been somewhat lonely for a good part of my life, even if I have Mum, and Kara, and Kara's friends. But even if I've been feeling like this for a while, even if it's, in a way, comfortable, I can't spend the rest of my life like that, lonely, and ultimately just missing people who aren't there. I need to do something about it, I need to make a friend.

Love,

Alex

6.

Dear Ruby,

I met someone today ; her name is Kelly, Kelly Olsen. Which I realise is sort of funny because I said I wanted to make friends on my own and she's James' sister. That's not how I met her though so I suppose that still counts. We bumped into each other at _Noonan's_. I was waiting for Kara and Lucy, they were late, I got a bit antsy, tripped, and spilled my coffee on Kelly's very white shirt. She wasn't mad, not at all, instead she laughed, said she should probably stop wearing white and offered to buy me a new coffee because apparently I looked "a bit out of it." She ended up recognising me from a group picture she saw at James' and waited with me for Kara and Lucy. Here's what I now about her so far : she's a military psychologist, stationed outside of National City for the time being, she's got kind eyes, we have the exact same boots. That's a good place to start a friendship, right ? Having the same boots ?

Love,

Alex

7.

Dear Ruby,

I saw Kelly again today. We met up for coffee at _Noonan's_ and I learned two new things about her : she's allergic to blueberries and hazelnuts. So I guess that's one thing with two sub-categories ; but it still is something new.

I've been trying to stick to a routine, to stay focused and get better. I've also been trying to cut down my drinking a little. Not for me, I don't really care if I fuck up my liver because for a moment I forget about you and I forget about Maggie. I'm doing it for Kara ; she worries too much about me. On weekdays, it's easier to stay clear headed because I go to work, I have a schedule and things to do ; but weekends, weekends are terrible, it's when I miss Maggie the most, it's when waking up alone is the most soul crushing. So I'm planning things, lining up stuff in the future so I will want to get out of bed.

On Sundays, I have brunch with Kara. I watch her inhale a ton of food and she gently mocks my black coffee. Then we go for a walk, or to the animal shelter. Do you think I should get a cat ? I think I'd like a dog better, and they're a good excuse to get out of the house.

On Saturdays, Kara has class in the morning, so it's just me. Me and my thoughts, and it's hard to get out of bed. I feel both leaden and hollow and the moment Kara is out the door, I can't breathe. But this morning, knowing I was seeing Kelly for coffee, it helped. I got up and I got dressed, I even put on a clean shirt when usually I wear whatever I can grasp. I think I'd like seeing Kelly on Saturdays. I'd like for her to be part of my routine if her job allows it, and if she wants to of course. It'd be nice to have a friend.

Love,

Alex

8.

Dear Ruby,

It's Saturday again and I got out of bed in a breeze. To see Kelly again. Here's what I learned today : she takes her coffee with milk, two sugars and a dash of cinnamon, a levity she allows herself when she's not deployed ; and she has a scar on her right forearm, from shrapnel. It made me feel queasy for a moment, the scar I mean. Which is kind of hypocritical on my part because my job is dangerous too, but I don't like when others put themselves in harms way. Then it made me think ; because Kara probably doesn't like that I throw myself into battle either, so I think I can understand why Kelly does it, and though our friendship is new and tentative, I'm proud of her.

Love,

Alex

9.

Dear Ruby,

Maggie, Maggie called. She couldn't find her passport and thought I might have it. It's true. It was still in the backpack I had with me in Italy. I forgot about it.

She called me, and, and her voice, warm, shaky, wrecked me. It's like I've been pulled inside out, ruined and exposed and I can't act.

I have her address now, she wants me to send her passport there. I don't want to have her address, I don't want to know where she is. And I didn't want to hear her voice. God, I didn't want to hear her voice.

Love,

Alex

10.

Dear Maggie,

Next time you fucking want something call literally anyone but me. You ruined everything. 

~~Love~~ ,

Alex

11.

Dear Ruby,

I was doing good, right ? Objectively. I was doing good. I was getting up every morning, and I was drinking less and I was engaging with people and now, now I just want to sleep. I think I want to sleep. 

Love,

Alex

12.

Dear Ruby,

J’onn says I’ve been reckless lately, so he gave me the day off to figure my shit out. That’s not how he said it. J’onn would never say _shit_. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard him swear. 

I wasn’t going to move, couldn’t see the point of it really except maybe to search the apartment for alcohol. I know Kara has been hiding it from me. Can’t really blame her for that can I ? 

Then Kelly called me. She sounded nervous, or maybe it was just her voice being distorted by the phone. It might also have been both. She asked me if it was okay that she was calling, if I was okay with talking on the phone in general. I said yes, because hearing her voice made me want to get out of bed. She asked if I was going to be here for game night because Kara invited her and she doesn’t really know anyone apart from me. Her and James don’t get along that well I think. I wasn't sure I was going to come, because game night without Maggie is weird, pointless ; but Kelly asked and I decided I'd go. Well my answer was more along the line of "sure I'll be there. What kind of toppings do you want on your pizza ?" And she replied "mushrooms" in a weird voice like I'd just offered to get her the moon and she didn’t know how to react. So I guess that's another thing I know about Kelly ; she likes mushrooms.

When I hung up the phone, I had a text from J'onn : "I'm here whenever you want to talk." And I remembered something that I don't even know how I forgot ; he was there to pick me up from the bottom the first time. He won't mind being there for me again. Maybe Kara is right ; maybe J’onn is my friend.

Love,

Alex

13.

Dear Ruby,

Game night was weird. Weird. I think that’s the right word. Not just because of Maggie's absence, but because I don't think Kelly's shoulders relaxed for even one second. We walked to James' together and she was quiet but not overly so, like she was simply lost in thoughts and not planning escape routes. But the moment we stepped foot inside of the apartment she tensed like a coil. It took me a while to figure it out, but I think I know what was up. Her eyes kept trailing the room, watching James, watching Winn, watching everyone but Kara and Lucy cuddled up on the couch. Her avoidance was purposeful, I'm sure of it ; and I think she might be homophobic. It sucks. This might be a childish way to phrase it, but it sucks, it really does. I was happy to have a new friend and she's an excellent Pictionary partner, but I want nothing to do with that.

Love,

Alex

14.

Dear Ruby,

It’s Saturday. Of course it’s Saturday. There’s a Saturday once a week and 52 week in a year. It’s Saturday pretty often. It shouldn’t matter because time is a social construct and all that jazz. That’s what Kara says at least, but I’m not sure she should have a say on this ; after all, she was pretty confused by Earth time when she first landed. 

I’m not seeing Kelly today. I agonised all week over this, wondering how I could cancel on her because I don’t know how to ask her if she’s homophobic. In the end, there was no need for it, she texted me last night to cancel herself because something came up at work. I’m relieved. And disappointed. Maybe I should just walk everywhere with a pride pin on my jacket like Kara does. 

I’m in bed right now, trying to think of good enough things to do today to warrant getting out of bed. So far all I know is that I should do my laundry. Maybe I’ll go see J’onn. Talk to him. Tell him I’m not doing so great but that I’m trying. Trying counts for something, right ?

Love,

Alex

15.

Dear Ruby,

I got coffee with J’onn. I seldom see him outside of the DEO and it was a bit peculiar to see him out of his usual black polo shirt. He was wearing a tan jacket and aviator sunglasses. Sometimes, he reminds me of Dad. Not in a bad way, though it does make me feel a bit sad. 

I don’t remember hearing him laugh ever before but today he did. I can’t remember what I said, but it must have been funny. J’onn is quiet, doesn’t speak much unless it’s needed and half of the time, when he opens his mouth it’s to deliver pearls of wisdom. He’s got that same faraway look in his eyes that Kara has. The one that makes my heart ache and makes me want to protect her from everything for the rest of times. I don’t think I could protect J’onn from anything.

I told him about Maggie. About breaking off the engagement, and why. About waking up without her in the morning, and how it takes me a moment to remember how to breathe when I remember she’s not next to me. I told him about missing you, about the hole in my chest, about the cold. And I told him I’m trying. 

He said he’s proud of me ; and that matters more to me than maybe everything everyone has said to me in the past months. He told me a little about his wife and daughters who died on Mars. I know now why his smile is so sad. I invited him to game night ; I need a game buddy, and he needs a family.

Love,

Alex

16.

Dear Ruby,

With how uncomfortable Kelly was last time, I didn’t think she’d come to game night again ; but she did, and with someone. Her name is Dylan, she’s got short severe hair and a deep warm laugh ; Kara and her hit it off immediately. I judged Kelly too quickly, but I’m happy that she’s got someone in her life and a safe space with us. I’ll do everything I can from now on to make her feel welcomed and accepted. 

Dylan is very nice, and a good sport. She didn’t leave Kelly’s side all night ; not because she was intimidated by us or unsure of her place in the group but because they seem to orbit around each other like two radiant stars in a void of rejection. They looked so in love and my heart ached a little when they left and Dylan gave her jacket to Kelly because it was cold ; it reminded me of Maggie and I.

Love,

Alex

17.

Dear Ruby,

It's Valentine's Day. It's Valentine's and my life is so different from last year yet I don't think that I'm unhappy. I was dreading it. Because we had people over for Thanksgiving, we invited the usual suspects and Kelly, Dylan and J'onn, it was lively and fun. And we spent Christmas in Midvale where, though I missed Maggie gut wrenchingly, I wasn't alone. Valentine's Day is the first "holiday" since she left that I'm not spending with her, and it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I went to bed last night, tired and sore after a long day at work and I felt this little twinge in my heart at the idea of waking up alone. But this morning, I'm feeling fine ; mostly fine. For a moment I did expect to find Maggie here, grumbling about this fake holiday and promising to be home on time for dinner ; but when I shook off the remnant of sleep, I wasn't feeling worse than usual. I think it's a good thing. I might feel different tonight, coming home to an empty apartment and knowing that Kara is out with Lucy and Kelly is out with Dylan, but for now I feel okay. I might watch _Terminator_ when I get off work, and crack open the good wine.

I never thought I’d have the strength to still be standing and I think I'm proud of myself. That's something I need to say to my therapist ; that I'm proud of myself.

Love,

Alex

18.

Dear Ruby,

The DEO faced what was deemed an "unforeseen situation today." I don't understand how it could be considered as such, but maybe it's because I know some aliens can breed with humans. It was a girl, no older than fifteen, with half formed gills, dark hair and eyes of water. Her developing powers drove her mad and she took out half a city block. I was on the front line, I had to take her down, it's the order that I received and I, I couldn't. I was going to reason with J'onn but another agent side stepped me and shot a bullet in her head. It went in clean between the eyes. She was just a child...

I remember how Sam and Kara were afraid, how Sam wanted to cast herself away from society when her heat vision first manifested. What's going to happen to you Ruby ? What's going to happen to you ?

Love,

Alex

19.

Dear Ruby,

Happy birthday.

I got you something. A book. The first _Harry Potter_. It's stupid. You probably already have it and it's not like I can give it to you anyway but I saw it in a book shop and I just had to. I love this book.

Love,

Alex

20.

Dear Ruby,

Buying that book was stupid. I don't know what I was thinking about. Maybe that I could will it into existence at your side so you would have a piece of me in your life. Now I have it and I have no use for it. I stashed it into my underwear drawer but I can feel it everywhere I go, like it's suddenly become sentient and is haunting me. 

I hope Sam at least buys it for you ; it's a nice book.

I don't feel so good.

Love,

Alex

21.

Dear Ruby,

I talked about you with Kelly today. I didn't intend to but, but she's easy to talk to. She’s a good listener, and well it probably comes from her line of work but it doesn't make me want to talk to her any less. I looked, forlorn, I suppose, after the _Harry Potter incident_. At least that's the word she used.

I didn't say much at first, just that I have a daughter who I haven't seen in five years. Then I told her your name, and that I miss you sometimes. That it's painful sometimes, thinking about you. I told her you just turned seven, and that I don't even know what your favourite book is, your favourite snack. That I don't know if you like school or what the name of your best friend is. 

I started to spiral in all of these thoughts. I was panicking, hyperventilating ; and I'm used to losing my shit in public spaces but it still is embarrassing. Kelly grabbed my hand (her hands are so soft, I don't know how that's possible) and asked me about what I do know about you. So I told her you don't like purple. And I liked that it's a very random thing to know about someone. I told her about your favourite teddy and that your favourite person outside of Sam and I was Kara. 

She told me that none of this is my fault which I've already been told plenty of times but was still good to hear. It's nice to have a friend.

Love,

Alex

22.

Dear Ruby,

I went out with Dylan today. Yes, just Dylan. Kelly was supposed to be there too but she got called away. Dylan is, rough around the edges, yes, I think that'd be a good way to describe her. She was so warm and open when Kelly was there but alone she's more guarded, careful. I can understand that. And she's still nice, in her own gruff way. She likes the same dumb comic books as Sam ; and drinks her coffee black. She lights up every time she talks about Kelly in a really heart warming way and she kept patting her pocket during our entire lunch ; I think I know why. She had to leave abruptly but I had a surprisingly nice time with her. I'm glad Kelly has her.

Love,

Alex

23.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly and Dylan got engaged last night. And deployed. Their squadron is leaving tonight so there'll be no time to celebrate that. It's sudden, abrupt in a way that leaves me stranded with no idea how to feel. Well I'm happy about the engagement ; they go well together, make each other happy. But I don't know how to feel about the deployment ; we've barely had time to become friends and they already have to go. It makes me feel uneasy, deep in my guts, I think I'm scared, but I don't know if I know them enough to be allowed to. Then there's the fact that apart from our immediate friends circle, no one can know about the engagement, and that, well that makes me sad. The world is fucked up Ruby.

Love,

Alex

24.

Dear Ruby,

I’m still not very good at making friends and with Kelly gone I’m struggling with making new ones. I mean, sure, Kelly is still my friend, but she's my friend at war, on another continent, and I can't exactly text her whenever I want to. I've decided to maintain my routine, so I still go for coffee every Saturday morning, just alone. Is not altogether disagreeable, I just have to relearn how to be alone with my thoughts ; it's a valuable skill to have. 

I'm alone a lot lately though, with Kara having basically u-hauled at Lucy's place. I can't really blame her, they're young and in love and very cute. And at least this way there's less risk that I'll find them making out on my couch ; which is something I'm very grateful for. Please never inflict that on your mum, or on your siblings if you have sibling, which is something I'll never know I suppose.

Love,

Alex

25*.

Dear Kelly,

I hope this finds you well.

I’m sorry, I don’t have much experience with this. Or at all. I'll be honest and admit that I hesitated a lot before sending you this : I was wondering if we've been friend for long enough for me to write to you. Kara knocked some sense into me and said that you'd be happy with whatever I'd send, something about it being "the thought that counts." You don't know her very well yet but that's something my sister is very good at, helping me sort my shit. 

The weather is getting warm. Or at least warmer than it was a couple of weeks ago, this is California after all, it's hot all the time. What I mean is summer is right around the corner and it's really nice if only because people always seem to be in a better mood at the beginning of summer ; it makes my job easier. Of course it's going to get harder in a few weeks, when it gets too hot to breathe properly and people are annoyed and unchained again. For now though, it's nice.

Game night is at my place tonight which mean I have to clean. I don't really like cleaning. I guess it's a bit of a trivial fact about me and it doesn't shine the best light on me but that's a truth of my life, I don't like cleaning, and I suck at it. 

I hope this package can give you a little taste of home ; this was the last tube of ground cinnamon at the store and I had to fight a grandma over it. The comics are for D ; I hope she's doing well.

Stay safe,

Alex

26.

Dear Ruby,

Here’s our current game night arrangement : Kara plays with Lucy, Winn is with James, and I pair up with J’onn. Sometimes we switch it up, at Kara’s insistence, because the two of us make a killer team, and in this case Lucy is with James, and Winn is with J’onn, which considering that Winn is terrified of J’onn’s rough attitude, is hilarious. Most of the time though, I play with J'onn and we make a pretty decent team. I wonder if he reads my mind even if he's denied it several times already.

Game nights are my second favourite nights, right after sisters night. These are the nights that remind me that I have a purpose outside of my job, that there is a reason why my heart is still beating and I'm breathing and moving not just through life, but with it ; I'm here to make my friends happy. It's on these nights, when I'm surrounded by my friends and my sister, drinking water and not wine, that it's easier for me to be. I don't know if I'm happy, happiness is a strange thing for me, but I'm better, and that's a huge thing.

Love,

Alex

27.

Dear Ruby,

I arrested a very weird alien today. For their own protection. For real this time. It's not just something we said to make ourselves feel better. This alien in particular, whose name I'm not sure can be written down with any of the letters of our alphabet, is a round ball. That it's, a round ball. But they live on a ten hours cycle, from the size of a pea to approximately a wrinkled soccer ball, and constantly regenerate. This was starting to freak the neighbours out, a lot, and when people are freaked out, they become violent. And so I had to stare in the eyes (?) of this ancient ten hours old alien and tell them I was going to lock them up, for protection.

It got me thinking about life, which I agree, is something I do a lot. It got me thinking about life and death and what it's going to be for me and Kara when I'm old and dependant and she presumably isn't. Will I grow senile ? Will I lose my mind ? Am I going to become a burden ? Death has always been a very present and real possibility, because of my job, but growing old is another thing entirely. Getting sick, losing who I am ; no matter which way I look at it, it's terrifying. I talked about it with Kara, but death makes her go quiet, so I really don't know. Maybe as I grow older, I will be less scared about it.

Love,

Alex

28.

Dear Ruby,

I love my sister, I do, but sometimes her and Lucy can be a little bit gross. A lot. 

We went to the beach today, had a picnic so that Kara could take her mind off things for a moment before passing the last of her exams. It was a really nice day, of the blue sky and cottony clouds kind and it’s always cooler by the sea. I’ve always loved the sea. We were longing on the sand in our bathing suits, J’onn in tiny Speedos that are an insult to all sapient life in the galaxy, and Kara in new board shorts that are absolutely horrendous but make her so happy that I can’t say anything bad about them. I started drifting to sleep, vaguely aware of the fact that I was going to get sunburned, when Kara and Lucy started feeding each other strawberries. Feeding. Each other. Strawberries. I’m traumatised. Was I ever this gross with anyone ? I can’t ask Kara, she’d probably say yes just to make fun of me. 

They’re in love and most of the time it’s very cute, but some stuff, I wish I didn’t have to witness.

Love,

Alex

29*. 

Dear Kelly,

Kara graduated today ! I’m so proud of her. She’s come such a long way since the day Mum and Dad took her in. We’ve come such a long way. Our journey as sisters has been bumpy, to put it mildly, but I don’t know who or where I’d be without her ; she’s the better half of our duo, my lighthouse in the storm, she gives me wings, and supports me when I can’t fly on my own. 

She looked dashing in the grey and blue of NCU’s robes (thanks God this university has descent colours) and she was beaming so much as she crossed the stage you’d think she was trying to outshine the sun. Well there’s no need to try, Kara outshines the sun everyday. 

Sorry about all that gushing, I’m just really proud of my sister. I’ve enclosed a picture so you can see for yourself. 

How are you ? I’m glad that my previous package found you well, that the cinnamon could make your days brighter and that D enjoyed her comics. I’ve put chocolate in this one, which now that I think about it, will probably be melted by the time it gets to you but as Kara kindly reminded, it’s the though that counts. The red berries one is open because I tested it in my lab for blueberries, just in case. It’s safe, you can eat it. 

I was glad to hear from you. I waited until Saturday to read your letter and I did so at _Noonan’s_ , this way, it was a little bit like you were there, getting coffee with me.

Stay safe,

Alex

30.

Dear Ruby,

We’re in Midvale for a few days, just to take a break before Kara starts looking for a job and I get back to mine. Midvale at this time of the year is bright blue skies and hot sand getting just about everywhere. Loud crickets in the grass in the evening and the poignant smell of heat rising from the gravel in the driveway. We sleep with the window open, the sound of the waves drifting into our bedroom. Kara sleep flies and sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night, I catch her floating in the moonlight.

Midvale is not that far from National City, but it’s further north by enough miles that it’s cooler, and I enjoy being away from the heated pavements of the city. It's a bit touristy, but it's still not hard to find a good spot to lay down and we spent the whole day swimming. Mum is working the night shift at the hospital so after dinner, when Kara takes her coffee outside to call Lucy, I think I'll sit down and write to Kelly again.

Love,

Alex

31*.

Dear Kelly,

Kara and I are in Midvale for a few days, just the two of us, enjoying our time off and each other's company. It's nice to have some time to just be with my sister.

We go to the beach everyday, and Kara is single handedly keeping the baker on Main Street in business. I'm sending you some biscuits from this place, they're truly amazing and go well with instant herbal tea so I've included two cans of that as well. 

My Mum is working a lot these days, it's crazy how many tourists can get injured in such a short amount of time. Though maybe I shouldn't criticise them too much because just yesterday I tripped on the way home and split my knee open. I'm also sunburnt in various places and my nose is peeling ; it's disgusting. I grew up in Midvale, yet somehow, I never remember that sunscreen is something I definitely should put on. Do you have sunscreen with you ? I should add some. I'm gonna add some. God, I'm turning into my mother.

It's quiet here, the sun is about to set and the sky is somehow both blue, purple and bright pink. I with I could describe the smell wafting in through the window, it's a mixture of sea salt, hot gravel and freshly cut grass but somehow, this isn't at all what it smells like. When you get home, we should take a trip there, all of us ; you and Dylan, Kara and Lucy, James and Winn, and me. I think you'd like it here.

I took good note of the fact that you were moving and I hope this package doesn't get lost along the way though I suppose the people who handle this know what they're doing. I'm glad to know that the chocolate wasn't too melted when it arrived.

Stay safe,

Alex

32.

Dear Ruby,

Since we came home from Midvale, Kara has been having a hard time. She keeps a straight face, of course, happy go lucky as ever even as she spends her days wiping tables at _Noonan’s_. She smells like coffee beans permanently, the scent even covering the delicate lavender that used to cling to her and waft in her wake. It bother her, I can see it. She's constantly washing her clothes, even the Superman t-shirt that she never parts from (Kara doesn't sweat, so laundry is fortunately optional for her). 

Her and Lucy are on different schedules, they see less of each other and even when she smiles, Kara has a permanent crinkle between her eyes. And when she's not at work or enjoying some rare time with her girlfriend, she’s is on my couch, talking a lot, but never about stuff that matters. 

I think I know why. Well, I also think it doesn't take a genius to guess what's happening but curiously, nobody else seems to have noticed, or care enough to do anything about it. It's like to anybody else, it doesn't matter that she spends her time lowering the sound of the TV, or has been refusing to play Mario Kart with Winn for weeks ; it's like nobody has noticed that Kara has a problem with noise, and coffee shops are very loud when you’re behind the counter. 

It's not a new thing, and it's rarely discussed because unless she's tired or upset, Kara deals very well with her superpowered senses. But she's been tired, and upset, and the world is too loud and too bright, and she's in pain. My sister is in pain, and I don't know how to make it better. And everybody is so oblivious to that, including her fucking girlfriend and I, I don't know, it makes me angry.

Love,

Alex

33\. 

Dear Ruby,

I made it better. And by I made it better I mean I, gently, knocked some sense in Lucy so she'd be more mindful of her sunshine and rainbows girlfriend. I feared that she only cared about Kara when she's happy but as it turned out she's just terribly oblivious and maybe a bit self-centered. Sometimes I fear that I'm seeing things that are not there but I feel like she cared more about Kara when they weren't together. I'll have to keep an eye on her. The gist of it is that things are better now, if only a little. James gifted Kara flimsy noise cancelling headphones and Winn only plays Mario Kart with the sound off. They're paying attention now and maybe it's because I scared them a little but it's the result that counts, not the way I got there. They're not bad people. At least I don't think so.

Kara reduced her hours at _Noonan's_. She's working enough to pay for rent and food, but the rest of the time she hangs out in the alien dive bar, she put up a secret newsletter for the alien community of National City. It's got a small readership and she won't be able to put it on her resume but it's practise, she says, and most of all, it's useful and it makes her happy. She interviews aliens, has a small Earth's science column and another dedicated to idioms and Earth's customs. I’ve read it, it’s really good ; and it helps a lot of people. That’s something that Kara has always wanted to do ; help. 

Love,

Alex

34*.

Dear Kelly,

I’m happy to report that Kara found a job ! She know works at CatCo as Cat Grant's personal assistant. Yes, Cat Grant. That woman is as terrible and amazing as we've all heard. Kara seems to like her, or at least she respects her, or maybe it's her end goal that keeps her focused here. Personally, I find Cat Grant terrifying. I picked up Kara from work the other day and even as a trained field agent I thought I'd have to run for my life. What matters is that Kara as a good job, and perspective of an even better one if she can handle Cat Grant. I have no doubt that she can make it ; she'll be a reporter in no time. Winn and James also applied to positions at CatCo but I'm sure James already told you that ; this place seems to be the job hub of National City.

Autumn is steadily coming towards us, or well, as far as autumn goes here. Kara is of course very excited by the prospect of Pumpkin Spice everything and she's to blame for that terrible bright orange aroma that you might want to keep away from your coffee (seriously, I take no responsibility in this, I'm pretty sure it's poison). From me, you'll find a new tube of ground cinnamon and enough chocolate to feed an army (sorry, bad joke ?). I look forward to seeing you when you come home.

Stay safe,

Alex

35.

Dear Ruby,

Cat Grant made Kara cried but apparently I am "not allowed to intervene." Which I suppose is true but still. I know I need to reign in my instincts, to not just jump to everybody's throat every time Kara is hurt, but no matter what I do, sometimes when I look at her, I still see that little alien, lost and afraid, and I need to protect her.

Love,

Alex

36.

Dear Ruby,

Dylan is dead. Even as I write it, it doesn't seem real. It's a nightmare and I'm going to wake up and everything will be okay. 

There was an ambush. This is all I could gather from Kelly's short note. With the way this snail mail work, I don’t even know when it happened. I just know that there's a huge chance that it happened before my package arrived and that Kelly had to open it on her own. If she opened it all. I hope she didn't ; there are comics for Dylan in it.

Dylan is dead. She's dead and Kelly is still over there, alone, and she has to keep going because nobody knew about them. 

This is not how this was supposed to go. They were supposed to come home, together and alive, finish their contracts and get married. This is not how this was supposed to go but now Dylan is dead and Kelly can’t even go to the funeral. She can't go to the funeral. God. This isn't a real thing.

I don't know how to help. I don't know how to make it better. I need to fix this but this isn't something that can be fixed. How can this be something that can't be fixed ?

Love,

Alex

37.

Dear Ruby,

We went to the funeral. Kara and I. I don’t know if Dylan’s parents knew about her and Kelly. They're assholes. Or that's what I gathered from my short interaction with them. Maybe they're just grieving. They were eyeing Kara like she was the devil. And sure her tie was bit crooked but I don't think that was the problem. I don't want to think about what they thought of their daughter. The only small comfort there is that Dylan was buried in her uniform, so I know they won't have forced her dead body into a frilly dress. 

It wasn't a nice ceremony by any stretch of the term, lots of bullshit, but I'm glad we went. Someone had to lay Dylan to rest properly, no matter the short amount of time we knew her.

I'll write to Kelly later. About what, I don't know, but I'll write to her.

Love,

Alex

38*.

Dear Kelly,

It took me a while to sit down and write to you. I’m sorry, I hope you can forgive me. Truth be told, I didn't know where to begin, or even just what to say to make it better. There's no making this better, is it ? I wanted you to know that Kara and I went to the funeral, and so even if D's family is an array of asshole, she was among like-minded people until the very end. The cemetery is nice, quiet ; I brought flowers there for you. If you need someone to visit with you when you come back, I'll come with you, you won't have to be alone.

I know it doesn't change anything ultimately, but she was loved, by you, so much, and by all of us. We didn't know her for long, but she was our friend. You're our friend too, and I promise that when you come home, you won’t be alone. 

I've added something special to this package. I hope it's not too silly, or unwelcomed, but Harry Potter always make me feel better ; and even if you don't want to feel better, I hope you know you're allowed to, on your own time. 

Stay safe.

Love,

Alex

39.

Dear Ruby,

Today was wild. 

The coast's power grid had been unstable for a couple of days for unknown reasons and the DEO was part of the organisations charged with monitoring this in case it was not due to human activity. And well, it had nothing to do with human activity. 

I have a third degree burn on my stomach from facing an alien feeding themselves with electricity and Kara is really mad that I didn't let her expose herself to help me. She'll get over it, hopefully.

That's not all that happened though, because a power cut disabled the DEO's security system and somehow also fried our back up generator and we were overrun by prisoners. So Kara, still mad that she hadn't been able to help me do my job, infiltrated the building and rounded them up. 18 of my coworkers now have to sign additional NDAs because they saw my undercover alien sister shoot lasers with her eyes. J'onn is more than a little bit annoyed. And I am tired. So tired Ruby, so so tired.

Kara apologised, and things will settle down and maybe I'll manage to push back the conversation of her joining the DEO for a bit longer. For now, I just want to sleep.

In other news, Kelly will be home in two weeks. I'll pick her up from the airport. James was supposed to do it but I don't think he knows how to handle his sister's grief, so he's bailing.

Love,

Alex

40.

Dear Ruby,

I picked Kelly up from the airport. She's on leave for now and won't be returning to her base for a while. She'll be staying in James's guest room. She looked normal when she got out of the plane. As far as normal go I suppose. She bid goodbye to a few people, looked around for James, spotted me instead, greeted me with a tired smile and refused to let me carry her pack. The moment we got in the car though, God, I'd never seen anything like that. Mum wasn't like that when Dad died and Kara wasn't like that either when she crashed on Earth. Kelly was, she was just emotionless. I don't know what I was expecting, maybe for her to cry, to break down ; instead she just turned to stone and didn't say a thing. Getting her out of the car when we got there was a hassle, she simply was a dead weight and I had to carry her all the way to James's apartment. I sat her on the couch and she hadn't moved at all by the time I left. I've been texting James. He says she still hasn't moved, and she isn't eating. I think it's catching up with her, and she's going to need all the help she can get.

I wish Dylan was here, but it's an empty wish, and if Dylan was here, Kelly wouldn't be like that.

Love,

Alex

41.

Dear Ruby,

I saw Kelly today. Well, I saw her everyday this week. I go there after work, sometimes during my lunch break even. She’s been mostly unresponsive. Doesn’t talk, but yesterday she made me tea and sat with me for a while listening to me talk about my day. At least I suppose she was listening because she was looking at me but she might have been miles away. 

Today was different. It was different because she received a letter from Dylan. It was in the farewell package containing Dylan's belonging that was mailed to her parents. I supposed they decided to stop withholding it. When I arrived at James' she was sobbing, curled on the couch with the letter clutched in her hand.

I didn't know what to do so I tried giving her space, made some tea and found some stale cookies in a cupboard, tidied up a bit (James is so messy), until there was nothing left to occupy my hands or justify my presence so I patted her on the back hoping to provide comfort. Admittedly it was a very weird thing to do and I still feel awkward as I think of it. But at the light touch, Kelly uncurled from her spot and instead leaned into me to cry, so I held her. I held her for a long time until there was not a tear left in her body and even then I didn’t let go. She spoke at some point, her words weak and disjointed but I think I heard a "thank you." She's asleep now, lying on the couch with her feet on my lap and I'm writing as I wait for James to come home. I won't leave her alone.

Love,

Alex

42.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly came to see me today. I had the day off and was getting ready to visit her when she just showed up on my doorstep in a stain sweatshirt and with mismatched socks peeking from under her trainers. She showed up with a can of my favourite herbal tea and the copy of _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_ I sent to her. The spine is broken, the cover stained with mud ; she said she read it three times. She tried to give it back to me but I gently forced it into her hands, saying it was a gift. She didn't say anything, just shoved it in her back pocket and shivered. I tried to get her inside, offered her some breakfast but she mumbled something about needing a change of scenery so we went for a walk instead. I gave her one of my jackets.

We walked thrice around the pond in the park down the street before sitting down on a bench with peeling paint. Kelly didn't say much except when she spotted some dandelions and told me these were Dylan's favourite flowers. And then she laughed, and laughed, and laughed, in an almost unhinged way, bent forward with tears springing from her eyes. Then she started crying, shied away from my touch and started rocking, her knees hugged against her chest. So I got up and started picking dandelions, a lot of them, until my knees were stained with mud and grass and I had no more room in my hands. Then I tugged Kelly until she got up, and we drove out of National City and all the way to Dylan's hometown to put the dandelions on her grave.

She’s asleep on the couch now. Kara came by for sister's night and we watched a movie on mute with the subtitles on. She eyed Kelly curiously, then me, and I had a funny inadequate feeling in my chest that I will not deal with right now. 

Love,

Alex

43.

Dear Ruby,

Merry Christmas ! 

Kara, Lucy, Winn and I are in Midvale. Kelly and James went to see their aunt at the hospice in Calvintown. It's not a very happy way to spend Christmas in my opinion, especially with the way James has been treading on eggshells around Kelly, but it's not like I could just drag her to Midvale with me. Instead, we'll have another Christmas when we're all back in National City. 

Kara and Lucy are, as always, disgustingly cute and Winn never tires of making faces at them. I wish you could have known Winn, he's a funny guy, I think he'd make you laugh. Well, I wish a lot of things when it comes to you, and none of them can come true. Christmas makes me miss you. I wish you were here, I wish I could shower you with gifts, I wish you'd wake me up at 5am to open them. Kara picked up on this of course, took me for a long walk this morning and hugged me tight on the beach when I wouldn't say what was wrong.

Sometimes I feel stupid, missing you after all this time, but still, I miss you kid.

Love,

Alex

44.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly went back to base this morning. I dropped her off and though she was silent the entire ride, there was a weird glint in her eyes ; I couldn’t tell if she was excited of going back to work or not. She only spoke to say thank you, right before getting out of the car. She grabbed my hand, squeezed briefly, and I could tell she wasn’t solely thanking me for the ride. I wanted to tell her there was no reason to thank me, friends helps each other, that’s a thing ; but her hand felt funny on my hand and I forgot how to speak. I’m not sure I like that. 

She walked into base with her head high, duffle bag slung over her shoulder and I stayed there for a moment, watching her go until she was nothing more than a uniform in a sea of uniforms. 

I’m at the DEO now and it’s quiet. It’s one of these shifts where nothing is happening and all there is to do is paperwork ; paperwork is boring. Unless you’re Pam from HR and then paperwork is your entire life I suppose. After work I’ll go for drinks with Vasquez, play pool for a moment so I don’t have to go back to an empty house where my friend isn’t sleeping on my couch. I’d ask Kara, but it’s her date night with Lucy.

Love,

Alex

45.

Dear Ruby,

I’m getting coffee with Kelly again, every Saturday morning at 10am sharp. She’s quiet a lot, lost in her head most of the time in a way that I’m still not used ; she used to be such a lively person. She started by taking her coffee black, like Dylan, even if she doesn’t really like it and it makes her nose scrunch up in disgust. It took me three Saturdays to coax her towards her terrible cinnamon concoction again. 

She hasn’t been sleeping well, it’s written clear as day on her face, the circles under her eyes darker each time we meet. It took me four Saturdays to get her to talk about it. She can’t sleep on base ; her room reminds her about Dylan. Well everything and everywhere reminds her about Dylan but her room the most. She has nightmares every night, and sometimes when she speaks her hands start shaking just thinking about it. So on the fifth Saturday, I brought her a key. For some reason I have four copies of my apartment key even though I live alone and Kara already has one. She tried to give it back of course, but I slipped it into her hand and closed her fist on it, kept mine wrapped around hers until she gave in. I told her she was welcomed to sleep on my couch anytime at any hour of the night. I know she has to get up early and sometimes goes to bed very late so when she brought up exactly that I pointed at the key and said I already knew it. I told her I’m a heavy sleeper and she wouldn’t bother me which is a lie but she doesn’t have to know that. Seven time since that day I’ve found her on my couch when I got up for a glass of water. I usually keep my water on the bedside table, but it gives me an excuse to check on her. 

I also looked into finding her a non army related shrink, so she can talk about Dylan freely and without fear. In that regard, I think the army fucking sucks, but it’s Kelly’s whole life, so I won’t say anything. Today is the eighth Saturday, she’s meeting her new therapist after we get coffee ; I hope it will help. Sometimes, I fear that I’m doing too much for her and other times, I know that I’m not doing enough. There are nights when I’m the one who can’t sleep and Kara is the one who comes by. I always sleep better with my sister by my side.

Love,

Alex

46.

Dear Ruby,

Happy birthday. I hope it’s a good one ; I can’t really remember what I did for my eighth birthday.

Love,

Alex

47.

Dear Ruby,

Life has a not funny way of really sucking sometimes and it makes me angry. Mostly because I can't really do anything about it. Things were looking up for Kelly, as far as things can look up when your secret fiancée dies at war I mean, and then her aunt died.

Kelly was quiet during the whole funeral, didn’t say a single word. We all went there with her and James. It was a peaceful ceremony, not many people where there since her aunt’s friends are all already dead. She did have one hospice buddy, but he fell asleep and started snoring loudly in the middle of the church. It was a little bit funny, and it’s the only time Kelly smiled. She went straight back to her base afterward, I dropped her off and she silently said goodbye. She did text me to promise we’d see each other for coffee on Saturday like we always do, so I know she’ll be okay. Mostly okay.

Love, 

Alex

48.

Dear Ruby,

Lionel Luthor died. Some cancer or another, big funeral, blah blah blah. The gist of it is that Lex Luthor is going to move back to National City for a while, to spend more time with his family, and J'onn wants us to keep an eye on him. Unofficially. I'd rather he go spew his bullshit in some other city but I guess I'm on surveillance duty from now on. J'onn says he wants good agents on the case but I can't help but feel like he's teaching me some kind of lesson of the sit back and observe instead of jumping head first variety. Knowing him, I'm probably right.

I didn't learn much. Lex Luthor is an asshole who uses his billion dollars weaponry contracts as a soap box for his xenophobic bullshit. His mother, Lillian is a former doctor turned board member and one-woman charity ; and his sister is just smart and pretty as far as I know, there’s not much about her out there. 

Since he’s moved here, there’s been even more unrest in the alien community ; Kara’s newsletter now has an advice section about ways to masquerade as a human. She says she feels like a fraud, for blending in so easily, and I don't know what to tell her, because I think we're lucky that my sister doesn't stand out too much.

Love,

Alex

49.

Dear Ruby,

Kara is annoying. She doesn’t do it on purpose, at least I don’t think so, but she has a way of looking at me and Kelly like she knows things and it puts me on edge. 

Being friends with Kelly is easy, and warm. She makes me happy, and I think I make her happy too ; at least she seems to smile more when she's around me. Kelly is like the sun peeking out behind the clouds on a rainy day, she's the promise of something else. I'm starting to feel it, simmering in my guts when I look at her, when she laughs, when she leans into me at game night ; but I don't want to be scared by it and most of all, I don't want to scare her. She's fragile, barely put back together and when Kara looks at us, I'm afraid that whatever this is will crumble to dust and I will lose my friend. For now I want easy and nice ; Kelly needs a friend, and I need a friend too.

Love,

Alex

50.

Dear Ruby,

Kara and Lucy had a fight. It was petty and inconsequential, something about Kara leaving donut crumbs on the kitchen counter, and they've made up already ; but they never fight, and by that, I mean never. Not even when they were friends and not once since they've started dating. They're this happy go lucky couple that's annoyingly in love and agrees about everything ; they never fight. 

Kara was a bit shaken up by this, both by the fact that Lucy yelled at her for the first time ever and by the triviality of the argument. Kara has always left crumbs everywhere, it's how we know she's home. Crumbs anywhere in a room ? Kara was there recently ! I don't even know why I'm so riled up by that. I just don't like seeing Kara hurt.

Love,

Alex

51.

Dear Ruby,

Sometimes a piece of your life falls into place and you don’t realise it until much later ; and sometimes you can see things starting to fit in in real time. It can take you months after someone walks into your life, after you bump into them in a coffee shop, to realise that your life has changed the moment they entered it, to understand that you became tethered to another soul the moment you crossed path with them. And sometimes all it takes is a short walk in the park to see a piece of the puzzle fall into place. Kelly had ice cream on the corner of her mouth, the strawberry kind that doesn't really taste like strawberry, and for a second, I could see the future, I was content. I don't even think it's weird, I just know, in my heart, that things will be alright. 

Love,

Alex

52.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly slept in my bed last night. Platonically. She slept in my bed platonically. My upstairs neighbour has a leak and it ruined my living room, the couch is trashed and smells like a sewer rat. 

It was one of these hard nights for Kelly, so she came by and ended up in my bed because I categorically refused to send her back to base. It occurred to me this morning, when she was gone, that she could have just slept in Kara's old room, she could have slept in Kara's old room from the beginning. I’m glad it never came up.

We drifted towards each other during the night, as people do. Turns out she's a big spoon. I think she slept okay, at least her breathing seemed even, but the moment I awoke in her arms, I couldn't go back to sleep. She was gone before dawn ; and the world has shifted on its axis.

Love,

Alex

53.

Dear Ruby,

It’s a thing now, Kelly sleeping in my bed when she comes over. Kara knows, of course she does, she can smell her ; which yes, is as creepy as it sounds. I sleep better when she’s here, wake up less, which is a miracle considering how stressed I am these days. 

This Lex Luthor surveillance thing is not fun, and I really hope he fucks off back to Metropolis soon so I can do something else. I don’t even understand how he’s allowed to speak publicly, he’s doing so much harm. Kelly agrees. She's pro alien rights which is a relief, though maybe I should start asking people straight away if they're assholes, no matter how dangerous that would be.

She doesn’t know about Kara, and this time, I won’t guilt trip her into confessing her origins. There was a moment during our last game night when James almost mentioned it but I spilled wine on my shirt to divert attention from him and we ended up calling it a night on the basis that I was tired. I wasn’t, and I had trouble sleeping after. Not because of Kara, but because the weather is getting hot and Kelly runs cold so there is now an extra blanket permanently on my bed. I have to sleep in shorts, but I don't mind.

Love,

Alex

54.

Dear Ruby,

Kara and I are taking a short break in Midvale ; it’s almost a miracle that she got time off baby-sitting Cat Grant, and I am personally happy to report that Lex Luthor packed is bags and went back to Metropolis to be someone else’s problem. 

Kelly couldn't come, which was to be expected, but Lucy isn't here either which is much more surprising. Her and Kara have been practically joined at the hip since their little fight. She doesn't seem to mind ; they call each other every night and we instead get to spend a lot of time together. We go for long walks on the beach and discreet flights in the woods (though Mum somehow always seems to know about that) ; and Kara broke her burger eating record at the diner twice in a week. She's good at a lot of things, but eating garbage is probably the superpower she focuses the most on. And it's not even a Kryptonian thing, I remember Sam eating much more healthily. I wonder what your eating habits are ; though I suppose at your age, your mother probably still monitors everything that goes into your mouth.

I found a nice postcard to send to Kelly and I’ll write to her soon, maybe tomorrow.

Love,

Alex

55*.

Dear Kelly,

I hope this finds you well and that you’ll like this little piece of Midvale ; maybe next time, you’ll be able to come with me. I think you’d like it here, it’s quiet. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if I should send you one of these atrocious touristy postcards but I like this one better, it’s my favourite view of Midvale. 

It’s raining today, a lot. Kara came from her run drenched to the bone and smelling like a wet dog. Do you like dogs ? I don't recall ever asking you that. 

I'm sorry, I never really know what to write on postcards, they seem so formatted and remind me of my childhood, of sand sticking in sunscreen on a different beach and the stuffy scent of my grandma's house. I usually spew banalities until I run out of space. And I ran out of space. Sorry about that. 

I miss you, a little. I hope the fact that I’m about to face a storm to post that will convey it well. 

Take care,

Alex

56.

Dear Ruby,

Coffee with Kelly was amazing. I enjoyed my time off in Midvale, but I missed her, a lot. Seeing her made me feel whole in the strangest of ways, like there had been a tiny gear out of place for the past week and it clicked back with just a glance at her. She seemed healthy, happy, happier even, and I love seeing her like that.

Her smile got a bit weird when we said goodbye, tensed even, like she wanted to say something but didn't know how. I feel like I often make that face too. She'll tell me when she's ready, I know she will.

Love,

Alex

57.

Dear Ruby,

I’m angry. Angrier by the minute as I write this down because I know I’m not allowed to be angry about this. Kelly is just my friend and I don’t have a say in what she chooses to do. Even if I had any power over her decision, I wouldn’t go against her, but God, I’m so angry. 

Her contract with the army ended, and she signed up again. For another four years. I suppose that this is what she wanted to tell me on Saturday. Instead I had to hear about this from James who casually mentioned it on game night when Kelly wasn’t there like it’s nothing. 

They’re probably going to ship her oversea again and I will be worried and I will miss her and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do because I know I’m falling in love with her and when yesterday it was easy and welcomed, it’s now terrible and gut wrenching, and I don’t want to. 

She texted me twice and I haven’t answered yet. It’s only a matter of time before she shows up here but I don’t know what to say to her. I’ll just ask Kara to get her to leave. She’s here now, making dinner and not asking questions. I'm grateful for that, if I have to speak it will only make everything worse.

Love,

Alex

58.

Dear Ruby,

I did something stupid. Sure, it was only a matter of time before I jumped head first into danger again but this time it’s really really stupid. Like accidentally inhaling alien fumes and turning myself toxic in the process stupid. I’m in quarantine for the next two weeks and I feel so so stupid. I could have died, that much is clear, and I have a feeling a lot of people are going to slap some sense into me once I’m touchable again. Kara will no doubt be the first one. 

She visits every day and stays as long as she can, touching my hand on the thick glass panel when I feel like I can’t breathe. My cell is so small, so constricting, and it feels like my heart is ready to give out with how fast it's beating. I'm scared, and I don't want to say it but with Kara I don't need to, she just knows. Sometimes it's a curse, the way she reads me like an open book, but mostly, it's a blessing, and I don't have it in me anymore to be astonished by how much I need my sister in my life.

I was allowed to keep my phone, and I think I’ll text Kelly later. Apologise for being an asshole about her life choices. Tell her I miss her.

Love,

Alex

59.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly came to see me, Kara brought her with her. Her fingers were clenched in a strange position from the endless NDA she had to sign, and she had a weary look on her face, not quite as weary as after Dylan's death, but enough to make my heart ache ; I don't want to cause her pain.

I apologised for getting mad at her and she apologised for not telling me and our words got all mixed up ; it made us laugh. She said she didn't want to lie to me and told me straight away that she agreed to reduce her dwell time because they need more psychologists oversea. She'll be gone before I'm out of quarantine. For nine months. And I’ll only miss her by a day. It felt like a punch in the guts, I almost thought I was going to throw up, but I pushed it back, and was supportive instead.

We talked for hours, sitting almost side by side against the glass ; I would have killed someone to be able to touch her. She left late in the night, and only because she was called back to base. She had a glint in her eyes, a twinkle of something that I'd seen before on her but that seemed to shine anew ; and she told me she likes me. She kissed the tip of her fingers, put them on the glass and after I mirrored the gesture, she said it again, "I like you." And it's that kind of "I like you," the kind that sparks butterfly in my stomach and the kind that now makes me cry because I'm here and she'll be over there and it feels unfair. It feels so unfair.

Love,

Alex

60.

Dear Ruby,

Dylan has been dead for a year. I noticed that when I checked the time on my phone because I couldn’t sleep. Kelly is leaving tomorrow.

Love,

Alex

61.

Dear Ruby,

J’onn let me out early. 

He's been visiting every day too, not just to monitor me but to talk, to make sure I was as okay as can be, so when he came by this morning, it wasn't unusual, even if the sun wasn't up yet. But then he told me I wasn't contagious anymore and there was no point in keeping me locked up. When he winked, I broke into a run.

I ran all the way to the airport. I didn't take a taxi and I didn't call Kara, I just ran and ran until my legs and my lungs were ready to give out and I'm sure I caught pneumonia on the way because Hell was pouring over. I bursted into the airport, waving my fake FBI badge and tripped twice on the way to Kelly's terminal. Kara and James were there to see her off but I breezed past them, caught her before she'd crossed security and I, I kissed her.

It wasn't exceptional. Not the first time, I almost knocked her teeth out, lost my balance and tipped us over. The second time however, when she kissed me, another piece of our lives fell into place and I swear I felt the universe shiver. 

Things will be okay, and she will come back. I know that with the utmost clarity.

Love,

Alex

62*.

Dear Kelly,

I hope this finds you well. It's strange, starting this letter like this when it's not really what I want to tell you at all. Well I do hope this finds you well, just, you know.

In case I haven't made it clear, I like you too. But I would like to apologise for jumping you at the airport and kissing you without your consent. If you want, we can take it back and never talk about it again, or simply put it on hold until you come back. We can do whatever you want. I'll follow your pace and if you want to wait, then I'll wait. I would wait a thousand years for you.

I miss you already, a lot. Don’t worry about me though, I’m insanely good at missing people ; which I'm not sure is an okay thing to say, but I feel like I can tell you everything. I'm steadily driving Kara into madness though and if I stop long enough to think about it, it's a little bit funny. She's used to handling me anyway, and I know she's not really annoyed, only worried. 

Today is Saturday ; the week was excruciatingly long, I think J’onn is trying to keep me busy. I’m writing to you from _Noonan’s_ where I decided to try that coffee you like and I’m sorry but it’s disgusting. Much too sweet for me. I don’t know how anyone can drink that. I could literally feel my arteries clogging, something I have no doubt will make Kara laugh. Yesterday evening we went for a walk on the waterfront and I found an antique bookstore. There was this very weird book about rare fishes full of hand drawn pictures and for some reason, I could picture your smile if you were to read it. It's very old, so I hope it doesn't disintegrate before it makes it to you.

Stay safe.

Love,

Alex

63.

Dear Ruby,

Winter is coming which admittedly doesn’t mean much for California except that Christmas is just around the corner and it’s going to start raining a lot. We'll be spending Christmas in Midvale, but Kara plans on being back here to celebrate the New Year at the underground alien bar. Mum called me to ask how many people she should expect in her house and I accidentally included Kelly. It didn't make me as sad as I thought it would make me ; retrospectively. I know she won't be home for Christmas, but still including her in my plans, knowing she's staple of my life anyway, makes me happy enough to counteract the ache of missing her. 

I still worry a lot, I can't help it, the fear of anything happening to her is an ever present anguish in my life but I keep busy with work and Christmas preparations, and Kara is good at getting me out of my own head. And well, she also gently threatened to hack my phone to cut off all access to war related newsfeeds, so I’m making an effort. She's right, I can't just obsessively check the news for the next seven months or so just in case something happens. And if something does happen to Kelly, it's not like I'll be able to do anything about it anyway. God, I don't want to think about that. I do not want to think about that.

Love,

Alex

64*.

Dear Kelly,

Merry Christmas !

I hope this gets to you on time ; now that I think about it, I might have sent it a bit too late. 

Mum made a bunch of cookies, specifically for you, and the slightly burnt gingerbread is mine. Kara says it's good anyway but Kara eats just about everything so if it seems too suspicious just throw it away, I won't mind. If you choose not to eat it, maybe it can even be converted into a weapon, I know you're resourceful.

It's been pouring rain for a week straight and everything is damp and sticky. I don't mind the rain, I think it's peaceful but I made the mistake of going for a walk and I don't think I'll ever be dry again. Everything smells humid, and it mixes weirdly with the scent of spices and the Christmas tree. Kara lit an impressive fire in the fireplace and we've been battling constantly for the best spot in front of it. Don't worry, I'm not letting James win. 

The house is decked in bright colourful lights and as soon as we crossed the threshold, Mum forced us into various Christmas sweaters. There's one for you too, maybe you can wear it next year if you come with us. To add insult to injury, Kara found herself a new bright red tie with fucking reindeers on it. I think someone needs to knock some sense into her and I've enclosed a picture of her so you can see for yourself. Lucy finds it atrocious, and if she weren't so in love with my sister, I think she'd strangle her with it. That would be inconvenient.

I miss you. Well I miss you all the time, but I especially miss you now. I keep that polaroid you sent on me at all time. It's on my desk as I write this to you, propped against my mug so it feels a little like you're here with me.

Stay safe.

Love,

Alex

65.

Dear Ruby,

Kara and Lucy had another fight. About something inconsequential again a butter knife that had been put away in the wrong drawer. And I know Kara, she's not the kind of person who will yell back, she's taking Lucy's mood swings in stride even if they're more frequent, and she never fights back. I've been trying to get a read on Lucy, to understand what's going on with her all of sudden. I thought things were going good for them, Cat Grant let Kara write an article for the _Tribune_ , as a try out and it went amazing, the editor there loved it and Lucy took her out to one of the city's most expensive restaurant. Only to yell at her the next day, about a fucking butter knife. Last week it was about a window which was opened too wide and on New Year's Eve, it was because Kara had bought the wrong kind of champagne. What the fuck is wrong with her ?

Love,

Alex

66.

Dear Ruby,

Things are going better again between Kara and Lucy. Lucy apologised, her new job is demanding ; at least that’s what Kara told me. But I’m watching her, and if she hurts my sister again, it’s on fucking sight.

Love,

Alex

67*.

Dear Kelly,

I know it doesn't even begin to compare to what you're doing, but sometimes, sometimes life here is a bit hard. A bad day at work, bad news on TV ; sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating. But you always, always make it better ; no matter what, you always manage to make me smile.

You know that thing you said in your last letter, the one that's in my pocket, searing, as I write this ? You know what you said about Dylan, and what you said about me ? Well I'm falling in love with you. It's been a long time coming. Since before you left. But I wanted to keep it for myself, close to my chest until you were doing better, and then until you were home again. But on the day I received your letter, on the day you told me you miss me so much it hurts and I’m the only reason you keep going, on the day you shared Dylan's last words with me, how she knew someone would make you smile and how you know that someone is me, well I had a close call. Don't worry about me, they patched me up well and Kara's already done all the scolding, but I saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could think about was that it would be a shame to go without having told you this. So there, I'm falling in love with you. And it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

I’m counting down the days until you’re here again. I made a silly little calendar and circled the date I’ll be picking you up at the airport. Then maybe we can go on a holiday, just the two of us, wherever you want, I have so many things I want do tell you.

Stay safe.

Love,

Alex

68.

Ruby,

Something’s happened. Something’s happened to Kelly. I don’t. I don’t know what. 

They only told James she's being extradited to a hospital in Germany.

I can't. I can't lose her. Please. I can’t lose her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I fucked up and this is going to be longer than planned. There'll be at least one more chapter but who cares, Alex and Kelly are amazing.


	4. Kelly anew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know it's been 84 years but I had to sell my soul to finish this one and as a thank you for reading it there'll be a bonus letter posted right after this chapter !
> 
> Same as the previous chapter, stared letters (*) are the one Alex sends.
> 
> [Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0tB2sDnZovnDJxQTu7gevx?si=eW7ekPgRRtWGrLT3ri2ohg) has been updated.

1.

Dear Ruby,

We stayed up all night, seating in a circle around James’ phone, and finally, finally this morning we got news from Kelly. She’s, she’s not okay. But she’s alive, and she’s breathing, and they’re taking good care of her. She’s been evacuated to Germany. She’s coming home. I don’t know when, but she’s coming home.

Love,

Alex

2.

Dear Ruby,

I got to facetime her. I got to see her face. I got to talk to her. God, I got to talk to her.

She was confused, her voice was rough and there were gaps in her speech, but she recognised me, smiled when she saw my pixelated face through James’ phone. Smiled as much as she could anyway, because her face is covered in bruises and it looks very painful. Still, her smile is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

There was an ambush is what I understood from the situation. They came out of nowhere and she lost half of her squad. They don't know if she'll be able to walk again. She sleeps a lot, but she's conscious and mostly alert when awake, and the doctors said she’d be fit for transport by the end of the week. We're making arrangement here, for where she's going to live when she gets out of the hospital. James only has one bedroom and no elevator, so Kara offered her old room in my apartment and Kelly didn't seem opposed to it. We didn't talk about it, but I think she knows she isn't fit for service anymore.

She fell asleep while we were talking and a nurse picked up the phone to hang up for her. She frowned and said something in german that Kara refused to translate when I clumsily repeated it to her. It doesn't matter though, because Kelly is coming home.

Love,

Alex

3.

Dear Ruby,

I’m going a little, unhinged, I’d say. Keeping my eyes on my watch, pacing around until I know Kelly’s plane will have touched down at the airport. J’onn kicked me out early, not that it’s of any use really, I’m just pacing in a different place.

The thing is, I won’t be allowed at the airport and I won’t be allowed at the hospital either at least for the first few hours. James being her only family, he’s the only one who can be there until everything is in order and Kelly explicitly says she’s okay with visitors. And it fucking sucks. She might not even be conscious when she arrives ; they knocked her out for the flight.

She's gonna be so close, yet out of reach and I can feel each and every one of my cells buzzing with the need to be near her. Kara will come by later to keep me company and she’ll drive me to the hospital as soon as we’re allowed here. I'm apparently not allowed to drive a car at the moment because I'm too nervous but with the way she drives, we might make the trip there in a fucking ambulance.

Love,

Alex

4.

Dear Ruby,

She's asleep ; would look almost peaceful if it weren't for the map of cuts and bruises on her face. She's covered in wires, tubes stick out of her skin. She's so beautiful.

She can't feel anything below her waist. They had to perform emergency surgery on her spine in Germany and both of her legs are in casts. She frowns when she looks at them, but doesn't speak about what happened. She didn't say much at all really, mostly wanted to hear about me. So I talked about everything, about every menial little thing that have happened since she left, every bird I’ve seen, every cup of coffee I’ve had, until my voice was hoarse and she was asleep, her grasp feeble around my hand. 

I feel better now that she's here but, but I'm scared too. There's no easy way through this for her, and I, I’m really scared.

Love,

Alex

5.

Dear Ruby,

Work is a place I have to go to pay my bills. Work is also a place where Kelly isn’t and I’ve been, distracted. I almost got blown up today, again, so I’m on paperwork duty until I, and I quote "get my shit together." J’onn is worried about me ; that much is clear. Kara is worried about me too ; and I’m worried about Kelly. I’m stuck in an endless cycle of anguish and honestly, I just want to take a nap and eat pizza. 

I went to see her again today. Well I visit her everyday. I go there after work, unless there's an emergency, and I stay until the end of visiting hours. The bruises are fading, her face is less hollow, but by contrast, the circles under her eyes are deeper and I don't think she's ever been more tired. She takes a lot of naps when I'm here, says she sleeps better when I'm around. I left her my sweater, and when I came by today, she was using it as a pillow. I think my heart broke and mended itself at the sight.

Apart from me, and Kara, she doesn't receive much visitors. James comes by two or three times a week ; and most of her friends are dead. God, most of her friends are dead. And she doesn't even talk about it. Doesn't talk much at all. She spends a lot of time in her head, and I think it's dark in here. I brought her a couple of books, to distract her and I intended on reading aloud to her but she motioned for her knapsack and clumsily retrieved a battered copy of _Harry Potter_ from it, the one I gifted her ; so that’s what we’re reading for now.

Love,

Alex

6.

Dear Ruby,

Happy birthday.

Love,

Alex

7.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly started feeling her legs again today, and it’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever witnessed. I said that fully knowing the extent of the comparison with the fucked up shit I’ve seen in my life. They've slowly taken her off the painkillers and she's been having some mild physiotherapy with not much progress until today.

We were taking turns reading out loud, and it was nice, low sun streaming into the room, her head a comfortable weight on my chest, when I felt something tremble. Spasms, she was having spasms. And she started screaming, screaming at the top of her lungs, not so much in pain I think, but in rage, like, like she didn't want to feel her legs.

Nurses and doctors came in guns blazing and I was thrown out of the room unceremoniously. I didn't leave. I couldn't. There's no way I could leave her there, alone, and angry and scared. So I stayed, numb on the terrible plastic chairs they somehow think is a good idea to have in the waiting room. I stayed until Kara came in, dragging James behind her because he's allowed to be here, family privilege and all that bullshit. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but she pointed at me several times and she was very angry. Angrier than I've ever seen her when it comes to James. Then she took me home, and she’s still here, aggressively cooking. She had a fight with Lucy over the phone, and I think she’ll be staying in her old room tonight. Maybe I’ll stay there with her.

Love,

Alex

8.

Dear Ruby,

Sometimes, sometimes life gets shitty very fast and no matter how many times this has happened, I always, always get caught off guard. Because I trust, because I stay hopeful, because when things get better, I let my guard down. 

I thought Kelly would be okay. I didn’t think she’d be okay right away, but I thought she’d be okay eventually ; and now, I’m not so sure anymore. She moved on from her hospital bed to a wheelchair by the window, can take a couple of steps on her own even if her left leg is encased in a brace that seems to be doing most of the job, she eats more, and solid food, but she doesn’t sleep, and she’s entirely unresponsive when it comes to everything else. No good mornings, no good nights, no smiles. And still, she'll be released from the hospital by the end of next week.

To top it off, I haven’t had time to see her in a couple of days, because Kara and Lucy broke up. Well, that's not an accurate wording of what happened. Not at all. What happened is Lucy fucked off to Metropolis and took all of her stuff with her, leaving with no warning and no explanation. It took her three days to call Kara and when she did she put the blame on her, insulted her, broke up with her and announced that she'd been cheating on her with James fucking Olsen who is supposed to be Kara's closest friend. The only reason I'm not pummelling her into the ground right now is because Kara needs me here.

She barely speaks, almost doesn't eat. Yesterday, she showed up with clippers strapped to a piece of kryptonite and asked me to cut her hair. Since then, her jaw has been permanently clenched and her face is taking on a new hardness that I don't like at all. She looks like she'll never smile again, and I don’t know what to do, except be here, unwavering and strong for her even when I’m not sure I can be strong for myself.

Love,

Alex

9.

Dear Ruby,

Kara spent the whole night crying. I didn’t even know one body could contain that much tears and that says a lot because I was also here for her first few months on Earth. 

I don't think I've ever been so mad, and I'm a pretty angry person to begin with. But I've been filled with so much rage lately that I don't know how to deal with it. It's a good thing Lucy moved away because I fear what I could do to her if she were still in the vicinity.

It's not just Kara and Lucy, but also what happened to Kelly, and the general state of the world. I just want to scream you know ? 

I just want to scream.

Love,

Alex

10.

Dear Ruby,

I went to see Kelly today for the first time in a week. She talked, not to say much, but still, it's a progress. She said the nurses have allowed her to call her old therapist and it's helped with putting one step in front of the other, both figuratively and literally. 

She asked if she could still stay at my place and it's going to be a little bit complicated because Kara is back in her old room but I didn't say anything. I'll sleep on the couch if I have too but Kelly will be surrounded by caring people even if I have to sacrifice my back for it. She seemed relieved when I said yes, like she'd been holding her breath since the last time I visited. 

I missed her these past few days, but I needed to be with Kara, and I think she can understand that. I almost asked her if James had at least said goodbye to her before he left, but somehow, I'm not sure he did, and I don't want to make it harder for her.

I kissed her forehead on my way out ; I'm not sure it was an okay thing to do, she didn't say anything about it.

Love,

Alex

11.

Dear Ruby,

I'm going to thank every deity, ancient and modern, of this planet and others, that Kelly was completely out of it by the time we got her home. She was tired enough not to complain when I gave her my bed and most importantly, didn't seem to think much of the fact that Kara carried her upstairs, wheelchair and all, because the elevator is broken. That would have been interesting to explain. This is not an ideal situation and this is certainly not how things were supposed to go. Kara should be back at her place doing gross couple things with Lucy and Kelly should have her own room here with zero suspicious alien activity. 

I don't know how I'm going to deal with that ; I don't know if I can, nor if I should. I mean, considering that James didn't really think twice before leaving and Kelly doesn't have anyone else, someone has to take care of her, but things were going somewhere between the two of us and now I don't know where we stand. I don't know what she expects from me and I don't want her to think I expect anything from her. For now, I just want to take care of her ; because she needs it, because it's the right thing to do, and yes, because I love her. It’s the last one that complicates everything. It's hard these days to know what's happening, to disentangle the things that go through my head, but today, today I think I'm scared.

She's sleeping in my room right now, Kara just went to check on her and when she came back she gave me -the look-, you know the one. I just want for everything to be okay again.

Love,

Alex

12.

Dear Ruby,

Things are settling. I think. If you consider things can settle on ever shifting ground. Maybe it's just that I've become better at picking up the heralding signs of both good and bad times.

Kara is eating more again, which is a good thing ; and Kelly is making the effort to get out of bed every morning, even when she doesn't have physical therapy and if it's to take a nap right after. I found both of them attempting to cook in the kitchen when I came home from work the other day. Kara had sat Kelly on the counter because she still can't stand on her injured leg for too long and they were making some kind of spicy stew that wasn't completely uneatable. They were laughing when I came through the door and immediately stopped when they saw me but I didn't feel too left out ; Kelly proceeded to try to be subtle in her staring all evening and I think they were talking about me.

But then there are really bad days. Days when Kelly just stares at nothing all day, days when Kara comes home from work exhausted and refuses to speak ; and days when I'm the one who's tired and I end up staying late at the DEO so I can over-exercise in an effort not to snap at any of them. I don't even know if these are the days that scare me the most or if I fear the happy days more because they're the ones that make me hopeful.

Love,

Alex

13.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly tripped. 

She'd been doing so good on the -being up on her own two feet- front and then she tripped on her way to the bathroom and split her chin open. No one was home. Kara was stuck with Miss Grant and when I got out of work, I found her on the floor in the bathroom, rolled up on her side with a dripping red towel pressed to her face. 

I asked her why she hadn't call me and when she didn't answer, I started yelling. I didn't want to. God, I didn't want to yell at her ; but I couldn't stop. It was like I was outside of my body, watching myself losing it completely while being entirely powerless to stop myself. That's when she started crying, and babbling. She was apologising I think but my brain couldn't focus on the words.

I broke so many laws driving her to the hospital that I'm probably going to get my licence revoked. I don’t care.

Kara is on the phone right now, my phone because she snapped hers in half, pacing the corridor and yelling for James to come back and be here for Kelly because they won't let anyone who isn't family go in the room with her. 

It's insane, and it makes me so so angry, white hot angry ; because when I see Kelly I see family and I don't understand why it doesn't matter to anyone else when she's alone and hurt and needs someone by her side. Realistically I know she won't stay in the hospital for long. She just needs stitches and they might keep her for the night in case she has a concussion but that's all. But I'm over being rational, and I just need to be near her ; even if we're in a bad place and even if we need to talk.

Love,

Alex

14.

Dear Ruby,

James is here. I don't know if it's because he finally grew a conscience or if it's because Kara sufficiently scared him but he's here. And my hand's in a bowl of ice because I punched his dumb face. I had Kelly's blessing though so I don't feel too bad about it. 

They're in my bedroom now, talking it out. I have a feeling he'll be gone soon but I hope he'll at least have the decency to apologise before leaving. To Kelly, and to Kara. They were best friends for God's sake. To be completely honest I wish Lucy had made the trip too so I could have punch her. Or throw her off a building. 

I'm going to need to work on my anger issues again.

Kara removed herself from the situation as soon as James crossed the threshold. I think she's on the roof. Or at least I heard the stairs that go up there creek after she stormed out of the apartment and I don't know anyone else dumb enough to hang out in a place like that. She shouldn't have to be alone right now and I'll join her in a minute. I just need to breathe first.

Love,

Alex

15.

Dear Ruby,

My life is a joke. 

I'd planned everything. Kara was out of the apartment, I'd made dinner, and I was going to have the big -what now- conversation with Kelly.

And then someone planted a bomb in a notorious alien neighbourhood. The whole thing went up in flames.

The DEO was sent there to corral the uninjured because city officials were afraid we'd end up with "a situation" if we didn't do anything. We were not here to help. J'onn still detached a small strike team. We went in the back, and there was a second bomb. In the clinic I used to work at. I managed to shield my team from most of the debris, but amongst the sick aliens, there were no survivors. 

No survivors.

I locked myself in the bathroom. I'm not sure I can bear Kara looking at me right now. When I took my second shower, there was still soot pooling in the water. So much soot. 

Someone's gonna have to do something about all of this. I don't know who. Me maybe. I'm not sure I'm fit to take down an entire anti alien organisation but I don't want Kara to get involved with DEO business, and the more incidents like that happen, the harder it is to keep her away from this, and the more dangerous it gets.

Love,

Alex

16.

Dear Ruby,

The universe continues to have fun with my life and I am now in Metropolis on what Winn affectionately called a "side quest." He's lucky he's family. And that he maned up for Kara and punched James too ; even if he broke his hand doing so like the wuss he is. James was his best friend too, so I suppose it's not easy for him either, on another level. He's become good friend with Kelly, tries to visit once or twice a week and he's set up an entire gaming system in my bedroom so she doesn't get bored. He's never here when she video calls James ; but then again, neither is Kara. We drifted apart for a while there but I'm glad he's back in my life ; he's like a brother. I asked him to keep an eye on Kara and Kelly while I'm away. I know they don't need a babysitter but still, I'll feel better if I know someone is there for them.

Metropolis is bleak at this time of the year. There's a constant sheet of rain blanketing everything, muffling the sounds, shadowing the headlights of all these identical grey ugly cars. I'm really not a fan of this place but once again J'onn needs someone to keep an eye on Lex Luthor ; which is just about the most boring mission someone can be assigned to. I know it's because he trusts me but still, I'd rather be anywhere else. It doesn't help that this hotel room has probably seen a murder or two.

J'onn recovered fragments from the bomb site and after careful analysis, it would appear that at least some of the components originate from Luthor Corp. I don't know what J'onn expects from this. Not matter how much dirt we have on him, it seems Luthor is always one step ahead, ready to deconstruct each and everyone of our careful investigation. I wish we could just punch him straight to jail. The worst thing is that everyone knows he's a xenophobic asshole involved in shady things ; it's just that they don't care. But I suppose that if he releases the new L-phone early, why does it matters that he also funds terrorist organisations ? It's tiring.

I'm a little bit bored out here to be honest ; and I have too much time to think. Kelly and I text a lot ; it's easier I suppose, to talk when we don't have to look at each other. At least it is for me ; I've always been better at written words than at big speeches. She drove me to the airport with Kara and kissed my cheek before I crossed customs. I haven't stopped thinking about it.

Love,

Alex

17.

Dear Ruby,

I bumped into Lucy in the streets. It was to be expected I suppose ; she does live here after all. She was sauntering down the pavement and I just had to wipe that stupid smug smile off her face. I broke my hand, but it was worth it. 

Curiously, when I recounted the tail to Kara, facetiming from the ER, it made her laugh. It was vaguely humiliating on my part, I will never be able to make fun of Winn ever again, but for her it's progress so I suppose my ego can take a few hit. 

Lucy, ever magnanimous, said she wouldn't press charges for assault. I told her it was a good thing, because they'd never found her body.

J'onn will have me home tomorrow on the first morning plane. He seems to have understood that I'm more effective in National City than I am here. I think he also doesn’t want to have to bail his top agent (his words not mine) from jail.

Kelly said she’d be here with Kara to pick me up from the airport which attenuated just a little the throbbing in my right hand and the annoyance of having to write with my left. I miss her.

Love,

Alex

18*.

Dear Kelly,

I feel like a bit of a coward, writing to you like that when I'm just about to see you, when we weren't even apart for that long. Though to be fair with myself, I don't even know if I will give this letter to you, or if simply writing the words down will help me see more clearly. Usually it works but I really don't know, everything has been so strange lately that I don't know if I can rest on my usual coping mechanisms anymore.

For context I'm on the plane right now, feeling nauseous, and I don't know if it's because of the rough take off or because I promised myself that I would talk to you and still haven't done it. To be fair with the pilot, it's probably the latter. And to be fair with you, none of this is your fault. I'm the one who's been delaying this conversation over and over again because for a long while, the status quo felt more comfortable. It's not comfortable anymore, it's suffocating ; and unless I'm mistaken, I'm not the only one who feels like this.

I'll lay all my cards on the table straight away, if you'll allow me to do so ; I'm in love with you. This hasn't changed because of what happened to you, and I don't think it ever will. That being said, and maybe I should have led with that (see, this is why I need to write things down, I'm floundering already and you're not even here), I don't expect anything from you. The fact that you live with me and that I'm taking care of you, doesn't mean that I expect retribution in any way, shape, or form. You do not owe me anything. I'm doing this because I care, because you deserve someone to be there for you no matter what, even through the hard times.

But if you feel the same, or if you can still see yourself falling for me, I hope you know that you can jump with no hesitation ; I'll be there to catch you, always. I know life isn't easy for you right now, maybe it will never be easy again and maybe I will never fully understand what it's like for you ; but you deserve good things too. Please, know that you deserve good things.

I was going to say that the ball is in your camp, but it sounds too much like an ultimatum. Instead I'll say that I'll follow your lead. Whichever path you choose, whatever pace you set, will be the right one ; with or without me.

Love,

Alex

19.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly and I are going on a date ! Alright, I'll admit that's the short version of that story ; many more things led up to that point, but still, we're going on a date !

We ended up having that conversation, the hard one. And it was every bit as difficult as I thought it would be but it was so, so worth it. I've thought about it a lot since then and I think that even if given the chance, I wouldn't have that conversation sooner ; we both needed time.

She confessed that she too, didn't really know where we stand anymore. And she said, she said that she does love me, but doesn't feel like she deserves me ; that most days, even if she puts on a brave face, she feels broken, like less than she is and that she wouldn't want to impose that on anyone, and especially not on me. She said that most days, she doesn't know what she's doing, or where she's going, that the clear course she'd set for herself disappeared in fog and she doesn't even know where she is.

I don't think words of affirmation ever sprung out of my mouth that fast. I wanted to cover her in love and validation like a thick balm so she'd never be able to feel anything else ever again. I stopped myself just on the edge of being a smothering mess, instead offered to be her lighthouse, the beam of light cutting through the storm to lead her ashore ; in her own time. She looked at me, and I wanted to cry ; but at the same time it was like a weight had been lifted off my chest and I was overwhelmed by the deeply rooted knowledge that we will be okay. I said so, because I needed her to know that there will be a point in time where things will not be that hard, no matter how far it seems. She said that when she's with me, things are already easier ; and then she kissed me.

Tried to at least, because she'd forgotten to put the brakes on her chair and instead tipped forward right onto my lap. I did not complain. Then through tears of laughter, she asked me on a date. I said yes of course.

I have no idea where we're going ; I put on a nice shirt just in case. She's locked herself into the bedroom, and Kara is helping her get ready. I can hear them laughing through the closed door and it makes me so very happy.

Love,

Alex

20.

Dear Ruby,

So, this didn't go as planned. I don't want to go as far as saying it was a disaster because I love her and I don't want our first date to go down in history as an absolute catastrophe ; but it was kind of a disaster.

It sucks that we live together because now she's locked herself in my bedroom and she's been crying for half an hour and I don't know what to do. At least she let me carry her there. I'm still sitting in the corridor, back against the bedroom door, waiting for her to let me in. I won't move, won't leave, until this gets better. The thing is, I don't know how to make it better.

The evening started out so well it's almost maddening how it managed to snowball from there. She emerged from the bedroom, five minutes before the time she said she would "pick me up," in a light blue dress that fit her so well it could have been tailored if I didn't know Kelly looks good in absolutely everything. She had her hair up in a bun, and Kara helped her with her make-up which made us both laugh when she explained it. Considering that Kara thinks eyeliner is the devil, it's incredible how good she is at doing other people's make-up. All in all Kelly looked radiant, unquestionably breathtaking ; in fact, I honestly forgot how to breathe when I saw her, stumbled to my feet and choked on my words. For a short second, I felt blessed by whoever presides over that shit storm that I get to exist at the same time as her. Then I noticed that my supposedly nice and clean shirt had the biggest of creases right in the middle and that my collar was crooked and I started feeling inadequate, like I shouldn't be allowed to breathe the same air as such an angel. She beamed at me nonetheless, her face ready to split in two under the width of her smile and I realised I could have worn a trash bag and she would have been just as content. I felt beautiful under her gaze, handsome even, which hasn't happened in a while ; I took her hand, and we went on. That's more or less when it started to go to shit.

The restaurant isn't far from home, she chose my favourite, so we walked there which on insight was a very bad idea considering that Kelly gets tired really quickly these days. I think I was on a high, things were going so well again and I decided to ignore the looming clouds on the horizon of our evening. The restaurant was packed, and really loud ; Kelly cannot handle noise anymore, she gets fidgety, angsty, and we've agreed a long time ago that it's better if she removes herself from these types of situations. But she had a reservation and was adamant we stay and enjoy ourselves. I let her sit with her back against the wall, she relaxed, and I hoped everything would be alright.

It didn't.

She got up to go to the bathroom. I don't know if it was to pee or to take a breather, but when she got up, her leg gave out from under her and since she'd insisted on not wearing her brace, there was nothing to hold her up and she just collapsed on the table, face first in the food. Suffice to say we went home after that.

And now she's crying. Hyperventilating even by the sound of it and I can't just leave her like that. I need to do something. I need to act, to make it better.

Think. Think. Think.

I can't pick my own lock, can I...?

Love,

Alex

21.

Dear Ruby,

So. I picked my own lock. It was surprisingly easy to do so either I’m really good at it or I need to up the security. Of my bedroom. Yeah, okay, I realised how stupid this is as soon as I wrote it down. 

Kelly’s asleep right now, clinging to me like a koala. Convincing her that she needed to change because her dress was probably not made to sleep in was a bit of a hassle but I managed. Kara couldn't figure out which pyjamas belonged to who when I asked for her help so I think Kelly's sleeping in mine but I don't mind. We probably just need to both stop sleeping in grey t-shirts. I think I’m going to start staying in my bedroom again. I know I'm not fooling anyone, and certainly not Kara, but if someone asks, it's because the couch is bad for my back.

Kelly's got physical therapy tomorrow morning ; I'm going to go with her. Then, if she's up to it, I'm taking her on a second first date. Something simple and stress free, like ice cream on the waterfront and then maybe we can swing by the fair that’s been set up on the pier. She deserves it, and I deserve it too. 

Love,

Alex

22.

Dear Ruby,

I took Kelly to the fair. We had ice cream first, from the best shop in National City (Kara's recommendation) and then cheap cotton candy and I'm sure I would have died a sugary death if acting as a second crutch for Kelly as we walked around and navigating the reasonable crowd hadn’t given me the work out of a lifetime. 

We tried all of the terrible games ; lost at most of them of course and it turns out we're both terrible at fishing plastic ducks. There were a lot of shooting booths, though I don't know if there were more than usual, or if it was just because I was trying to steer clear of them. Clearly, I'm not the most subtle person to ever walk the surface of this planet because Kelly saw right through me and she challenged me to a game. And dammit, she almost won. She was cheating though, flipping her hair and being a cute show off. So I decided to return the favour by channeling my inner Kara, rolled my sleeves up, flexed just a little and won her one of these gigantic plushy. Kelly thinks it's a bear, but it's still a little bit unclear because it seems to have had a past life as a punching bag. 

Dragging the bear (again, unclear) with us for the rest of our date was a bit of a hassle but Kelly loved it so who am I to complain. The guy manning the ferris wheel did try to make us pay an extra ticket because of the human sized plushy but I think I did a good job at subtly threatening him. Or maybe Kelly turned a blind eye. Which might actually be the case because she bribed him so we would get stuck on top. She was dazzling, hair blowing in the breeze and skin glowing under the sun. It was cliché and perfect and I have no choice but to use "tingly" as a descriptor for the way my lips felt after she kissed me. I got sunburned on my neck, but it was worth it.

She’s asleep now, and that goddamn bear (still unclear) is taking all the space in the bed. I hate it ; but I love her so the nightmare plushy is here to stay.

Love,

Alex

23.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly has been making a lot of progress. It's even like's she's taken a gigantic leap forward and it's heartwarming to see. She still has bad days of course, but she's changed therapist and I think it's doing wonders unlocking her mental blocks. We take walks everyday, I make a point of clocking out of the DEO at a reasonable time or taking a real lunch break. We go a bit farther each time and she's expressed an interest in going on a hike soon.

She's doing better, and I'm not. I have nightmares now ; or again. Almost every night. I wake up sweaty and scared, convinced that the world is about to crumble around me. I hear screams and I can never tell where they're coming from. I see Kara a lot in my dreams, and sometimes Kelly too, most of the time dead, both of them. J'onn says I'm stressed and I need to relax. My answer to that was sticking a picture of Lex Luthor to my punching bag.

I've gotten really good at slipping out of bed without Kelly noticing. Kara however, never fails to wake up at the same time as me. When I can't fall asleep, I know for sure I'll find her in the kitchen with a cup of my favourite herbal tea ready. I say it a lot, to the point of feeling like a broken record, but I don't know what I'd do without her.

Love,

Alex

24.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly caught on. Of course she did ; there was only so many times I could carefully slip out of bed before I actually did it at a moment she was already half awake. She said she'd rather I wake her up when I have a nightmare, or at least talk to her in the morning so we can work through this together. I'm not too keen on the first one but maybe I can work on the second.

It seems that having good coping mechanisms and being open comes in waves with me. I feel like I'm caught in the tide, constantly making my way towards the safe shore before being hurtled away from it. You'd think at this point I'd have my life together but I suppose it doesn't work like that ; as long as I'm not alone, I suppose I can learn to be okay with it.

Love,

Alex

25.

Dear Ruby,

I, I forgot your birthday. I'm sorry. It’s never happened before, I don't know how I could forget, how this could happen when celebrating your birthday on my own has been a staple of my life for seven years now. But I did and I woke up a week later, looked at my calendar and felt my heart sink into my stomach like it'd been replaced with lead. I couldn't breathe, couldn't see straight, felt like the world was caving in around me and I was going to die.

In my defence, because Kara said I should cut myself some slack, a lot happened in the past weeks. I got caught up in a whirlwind of events that I had little control over, was swept off my feet and repeatedly smacked down until I was so disoriented and afraid I couldn't have possibly done anything different if I had wanted to. See Ruby, I killed someone. I also had to change therapist, not of my own volition though, she just dropped dead. These two statements are unrelated ; I didn't kill my therapist.

It started when Kara made a new friend ; some dudebro from a sister planet of Krypton who got a gig bartending at the dive bar. Except he apparently used to be a prince or something and wasn't ready to be discreet about neither his lineage nor his affiliation to Krypton. The wrong people found out ; the rest is easy to figure out.

The dive bar was attacked. Not with bombs this time ; no, it was far subtler, and they had kryptonite, the substance from Superman's home planet that has proven to be effective against him in the past. They thought it would have an effect on Kara's friend, it didn't though and regular bullets did the trick. But Kara, sweet stupid and chivalrous Kara, took a kryptonite bullet to the shoulder while she was trying to evacuate a whole group of aliens and I, I saw red Ruby. Red fear, read anger, red everything ; I shot her assailant in the head, while he had his back turned to me, and he didn't get up again.

I shot a man in the back Ruby, in the back.

I haven't slept properly in weeks, I can't. Every time I close my eyes I see my sister oozing green to her death. It's Kelly that holds me back to sleep now more often than the other way around.

I got a promotion at the DEO, for the outstanding work I did up to the point I shot someone in the back. Somedays my hands shake so much that I have to lock myself in my tiny new office until I can breathe properly again.

Wanna know the worst part ? I'd do it again, everyday until the end of times if it could keep my sister safe.

Love,

Alex

26.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly and I are going to go on a holiday. J'onn has granted me extended payed leave for mental health reasons and Kelly wants to travel a bit before she settles down and opens her own practise. As a collateral consequence, it seems that all my relationships are doomed to be tied to Europe as when we closed our eyes and pointed at the map, destiny chose Ireland for us. We're going to go to Dublin, and I think it'll be different enough from what we know to grant us a welcomed reprieve. Kara of course isn't thrilled to know that I'll be travelling this far, she always worries just a bit too much, but she's happy that I'm getting out of bed so I suppose her conflicted emotions will balance out eventually.

She went on a date the other day. It didn't go well. She spent three hours after that trying to get a hold of Lucy so she could and I quote "come pick up the rest of her shit." Kara rarely swears, so when she does, it's serious. It seems though that she's definitely the proud owner of Lucy's bike now, and all her too small gear. When I get back from Ireland, I might buy a bike of my own, so we can go on sisters rides. I'm not sure what Kelly's opinion on bikes is, but if she doesn't like them, I hope I can turn her around and convince her to go with me so we can go on long drives where she has no choice but to hold on to me. That would be so very nice.

Love,

Alex

27.

Dear Ruby,

Dublin is, something else. Different from Paris, very different from Rome, it is unlike any place I have ever been ; and I love it. I never thought I could enjoy a place so up north (I have to thank Metropolis' dreary weather for that), but this is a top contender for my favourite place in the world. Maybe it's only because Kelly is here, but it's already a lot.

I feel like I fell in love with her all over again as we were standing on a cliff at the edge of the ocean. She was standing with her arms open wide, hair blowing in the wind because she doesn't understand the concept of a ponytail. She was trying to convince me that she could see England on the other side, and when she turned around to look at me, I was struck with the peaceful knowledge that this is the person I will spend the rest of my life with. For the first time in a very long time, and even with the wind threatening to blow us straight off the cliff, I was not afraid. Somehow I know that this is it. Not the end of the road, far from it, but the beginning of a beautiful new path weaving our lives together, one I cannot wait to go down on. I'm not afraid because I know she feels it too ; I can see it in her eyes. We went for a stroll along the Liffey today and she kissed me right before we crossed Ha’Penny bridge to Temple Bar. She kissed me with intention, and when we parted, tussled apart by the flow of tourists, she had that look on her face, the kind that replaces all words.

Dublin feels like it exists outside of time ; if it weren't for Kelly, I wouldn't even know what day it is. We're up early every morning, and after a solid breakfast, we're out exploring all day. I think we've seen just about everything you can see in the city and around it in our allocated amount of time. I'd say my favourite was the Guinness Storehouse but that'd make me sound like an alcoholic and I promised I'd make efforts. Instead, I'll say it was North Bull Island, even if I had to carry Kelly on my back all the way back to the bus stop.

Tomorrow we're leaving first thing in the morning, catching the earliest bus at the airport bound north to Galway. From there, we'll explore the west coast down to the Cliffs of Moher ; then it's back home to National City hoping no one will question the amount of food I'm trying to smuggle back for Kara. When I'm abroad, she's the only one I truly miss.

Kelly is asleep next to me right now and it's one of my favourite thing in the world, laying down my thoughts when she's resting next to me, trusting me enough to close her eyes for a minute while I watch over her. She snores, and it's the cutest thing in the world ; I won't tell her though, or she'll get embarrassed and will try to suppress it by slapping one of these ugly strips on her nose. It'd be embarrassing for me too, because most nights, it's what lulls me to sleep.

Love,

Alex

28.

Dear Ruby,

There are trends in my life that no matter how many times they repeat themselves, I never seem to pick up on. I don't know if I'm clueless or if dumb is my middle name but every time I come back from holidays, I get slapped extra hard in the face by life's bullshit and I never get a warning shot.

Someone tried to kill Kara's dumb cousin. Who, is still unclear, though I have my ideas, and though such an attempt is not a first, this one was particularly brutal. They had kryptonite and no one knows how they got their hands on it. The DEO is on high alert, even if this happened on the other side of the country and Kara is very upset. Not because I called him dumb, because he almost died.

I almost missed the opening of Kelly's new practise, had to rush there and finish by foot because of traffic. Kara tied my tie for me in the lobby and when I had to slip away for a minute to answer a call from J'onn, Kelly and her stashed appetisers away for me. They were giggling and exchanging weird conspiratorial glances which, I realised much too late, had to do with the fact that they only saved me the extra spicy ones. I'm still a little annoyed, and it might have more to do with the current situation than with the appetisers, but Kara still promised to let me have more potstickers than her for the next two weeks. She and I both know though, that I can't eat more that she can.

Love,

Alex

29.

Dear Ruby,

We're in Midvale for the week-end for a rare reprieve. It's getting hot as ball here (Kelly threatened to break up with me when I said that which, considering that Kara thinks we're halfway to engaged already, would be a hindrance to my sister's plan) and since Mum's turned 50, Kara tends to worry a lot about her. She had a light cough over the phone the other day and the only thing that kept Kara from straight up flying there was the promise that we'd drive there as soon as we could.

Turns out Mum's fine, just a slight summer cold, and being here is really nice ; Kelly loves it, and she was surprisingly relaxed about the whole "meeting the parents" thing. Me too. Maybe we're just both over this kind of things, it seems sort of pointless now. Mum showed her her garden and we've been taking long walks on the beach, sometimes staying up long after sunset to look at the stars. Sometimes, Kara joins us to recounts tales that are so obviously from another world yet Kelly never says anything. Maybe she knows already ; and if she doesn't, I'm not worried about what'll happen when she’ll learn.

Kara's been smiling more again. Mum and her stayed locked together in the kitchen for a whole afternoon, baking enough to feed a small army. I think they had a lot of things to say to each other. When I came in to grab two cups of tea, I saw Mum running her hand through the short soft part of Kara's hair ; they looked happy, and relieved, with trace tears still drying in their eyes. I wonder if they had any time to talk about this before ; with everything that went down, I'm not so sure.

We're leaving tonight after dinner, and we'll be relaying all the way back to National City. Mostly I'll be the one driving because Kara is a danger on the road and Kelly's knee still trembles from time to time. Mum doesn't need to know about that though ; what she doesn't know can't hurt her. Except that she probably does know, she raised both me and Kara and unfortunately knows all our tricks. I wonder if one day, I'll know my own kids inside and out too.

Love,

Alex

30.

Dear Ruby,

Lex Luthor is running for president.

I had to hear it from three different people and see the announcement for myself about a dozen times to believe it. I can't believe I live in a world where a known xenophobic and and notorious alien hater can just be a viable candidate for presidency. He's already pulling up in the polls ; we're screwed.

Meanwhile the DEO has an open investigation on him but we can't come forward publicly because we don't officially exist.

Kara's been working double since the announcement, I don't even think she sleeps anymore. By day, she answers Miss Grant's increasingly crazy wishes and by night she works in the alien neighbourhood, helping people there to stay out of trouble. She doesn't talk much, but she's angry, and probably scared too ; I don't need her words to know it.

I don't care if I have to take that motherfucker out myself, I'll do anything so he doesn't reach the position to do more harm.

Love,

Alex

31.

Dear Ruby,

Things here have been eerily quiet lately, and I know I shouldn't let my guard down, but it's so easy to just go with the flow. There has been no unrest in the alien community, Lex Luthor is behaving like a very normal candidate for presidency and no one has tried to kill Superman in the last month. Barren a couple of superhuman brawl in the alley behind the dive bar and the occasional rogue alien seeking to wreck havoc on a corner supermarket, the world has been very quiet, almost peaceful.

I get out of work sooner, and since my higher position has allowed me to avoid most night shifts, I get to spend a lot of time with Kelly. Yesterday, we went back to the restaurant of our attempt at a first date, and it was really nice. Kara, who'd been home more again lately, mysteriously vacated the apartment and didn't come home all night.

The other week, Kelly, ever the sensible one, considered moving out, so we could experience life as a "regular couple." But we're anything but regular, and after a couple of seconds of reflection, the idea appeared so ludicrous to us that we agreed to never talk about it again. She confessed that she doesn't sleep well without me and well, I don't sleep without her either.

Kara however, is going to move out soon I think. She's been hinting at it more and more and truthfully, I'm the one who's been holding her back. Maybe she's ready to be on her own again, but if I'm being honest, I'm not ready for her to be alone. Is that bad ?

Love,

Alex

32.

Dear Ruby,

I knew it.

I knew it, I fucking knew it.

Lex Luthor came forward, manifesto and all, because he was, and I quote, "very disappointed that none of the inferior brains" caught on the fact that the "very advanced" fucking shitty bulky armour that almost took down Superman was of his doing. In all honesty I think his man pride got a bit ruffled when Olivia Marsdin pulled up ahead of him in the polls.

And then he vaporised.

He'd been exemplary lately, almost too much, going as far as toning down his legendary heated hating rants against aliens. It was too good to be true of course. It's always too good to be true.

His mother has been arrested and the sister he apparently has has been pulled out of school in Metropolis and confined to their National City estate. But him, he's nowhere to be found. The last trace we have of him is from a blurry security camera showing footage of the cemetery his father rests in. Winn's doing. He was helping for a CatCo article and decided to transfer all information to me. J'onn immediately offered him a job, and he took it. We're leaving for Metropolis as reenforcement first thing tomorrow morning, and I don't know how I'm going to keep Kara off this one.

I don't know if I can.

And I'm scared Ruby, I really am. Because the most powerful man in the world just declared war on Superman and wether I want it or not, Kal is family. He's Kara's cousin and a Kryptonian, and Ruby, you're a Kryptonian too. I don't know how to protect everyone.

I don't know if I can.

Love,

Alex

33.

Dear Ruby,

I've been trying to unload my thoughts on paper but they're just stuck. I feel inadequate and out of my depth and I'm trying to avoid getting crushed by the certitude that there's no way we’re winning this.

I don't have much time anyway.

All I hope is that of all the places Sam could have taken you, it's not Metropolis.

Love,

Alex

34.

Dear Ruby,

You know the brief moment of calm after a bomb goes off ? Well no, I sure as hell hope you don't know about that, but I'm talking about that minute or so right after the blast and before the sirens, when all you can hear is your own heart beating in your ears and all you can see is grey ash and smoke. 

I love that moment and I know it's crazy but I love it because it's the moment during which you still don't know, during which you can't evaluate the damage or count the corpses, during which you can't do anything but wait for the dust to settle.

It's the moment you still don't know that your sister disregarded every precaution, forgot every secret, and flew to Metro-fucking-polis to help.

I almost didn't believe it when she touched down in front of me, silhouette outlined on the backdrop of an entire city going up in flames. She was dressed in all black, face obscured by a hood and a scarf but it was her, Kara was here, and beyond the fear I know a part of me was glad that she was there. 

I'd never seen anything like that before, so much ruin and destruction. I'd never heard so many cries for help, never smelled such a potent mix of smoke and burnt flesh. Would I have been able to do anything if Kara hadn't been here with me ? I don't know ; and I don't want to think about it. 

Superman was busy fighting Luthor, crashing into things, destroying more buildings and incidentally killing more people. I know it's not Kal's fault and I don't blame him, neither does Kara. My team and Kara helped the local rescue services with the victims, and after I promised her I'd be safe, she was nothing more but a blur, using her x-ray vision to find survivors and dropping anonymous hints. She saved so many people while making sure she would get no credit for it. 

My sister is a hero, but I already knew that. 

Superman triumphed. I won't apologise for having doubts about that. There was a moment he crashed so hard into the ground and took so long to get up that I don't know how I managed to hold Kara back.

Luthor is going to prison. I won't apologise for wishing Superman had killed him instead. Luthor is not the kind of guy that will make amends in prison, or that will suffer for the rest of his life, struggling under the weight of what he's done.

Kara is off talking with her cousin and I'm taking a break, I've allowed my team to do so and J'onn very sternly reminded me on the phone that I should rest too. I can't sleep though, when I close my eyes I only see death. My hotel bedroom doesn't have any windows anymore and I'm perched on what used to be the ledge but is only rubble now. The sun is starting to set, or maybe it's rising ; with the smoke, I can't tell if the night has already come and gone yet. Maybe the sun is rising, I'd like it better, because then it means the only way things can go now, is up.

Love,

Alex

35.

Dear Ruby,

So, it has happened.

After Metropolis I knew I wouldn't be able to keep Kara out of the DEO much longer but it's now official, she's one of us. Consultant Zor-El, here anonymously, and probably also illegally, to provide information and therefore help limit casualties in cases that surpass this agency's abilities. She's already completely overhauled our database on recent alien technology, and even I have to admit she's indispensable here. Not that I ever doubted she would be, but I've dedicated my life to keeping her safe and this isn't a safe situation.

What if someone picks up her trail through the DEO ? What if a Luthor-like fanatic finds her and kills her ?

With the current situation it's highly possible and as selfish as it might be to want to shield her from everything I just, I just don't want my sister to die.

Sometimes I feel like it's too much to ask of her, it probably is.

Love,

Alex

36.

Dear Ruby,

Kara's done something stupid. Not something reckless, not something dangerous, just something stupid, and something stupid only because she's done it for me.

Recently elected President Marsdin passed an Alien Amnesty Act, allowing immigrants like Kara to come forth and become citizens of the United States. And Kara decided not to.

She had her own perfectly constructed arguments, she doesn't know if we can trust President Marsdin yet, she wants to wait first and so on, everything she said made sense, but the real reason, the core reason that she has to hide, is that she's part of Superman's family, she's a Kryptonian, and it makes her dangerous for everyone around her. It makes her dangerous for me, for Mum, for Kelly and for our friends.

We talked about it for a long time, and as she was speaking, laying her thoughts for me, I saw Dad in her eyes, and that's the only thing I needed to understand her choice, even if I feel guilty that she had to make it in the first place.

Lately when I look at her, when I see her hanging out at the DEO, sans her glasses (shitty disguise I know), when she sits down to breathe with me when I panic and my hands start shaking again, or when I catch an alien citizenship pamphlet crumpled and stashed at the bottom of the trash can, I can't help but feel like I'm a fool, and she's the one who's been protecting me the whole time.

Love,

Alex

37.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly and I are going to move out.

Okay. One more time with feelings.

Kelly and I are going to move out !

There, it's better.

It's not that I'm not super excited about this, I'm just also really really stressed. I've been living with Kara for so long that I can't even process not sleeping a door away from her and I'm not sure she can either. Which, yes, I'm aware is ridiculous. I'm a grown adult, and my sister is a virtually indestructible alien, we can handle ourselves, can't we ?

We picked up a really nice place, a cocoon on the last floor of an old renovated building with access to the rooftop and exposed brick walls. It's exactly halfway between Kelly's office and the DEO and not far from my old place in which Kara will continue to live. She's already planning on taking down a couple of walls to broaden the space and we picked up a couple of different colours to paint the walls and mark a clear separation between the time we were living together and now.

She's doing good I think, or at least keeping a straight face. She wanted to give us a puppy as a housewarming gift but I had to decline (yes, it broke my heart). Our new building has a no pet policy and we are often busy anyway. Instead we got a toaster and Kelly has not stopped laughing about it. Every time she looks at this random kitchen appliance she bursts out laughing. Oh, she's tried to contain herself, but she can't, it's completely out of her control. One day, I'm going to marry her.

Love,

Alex

38.

Dear Ruby,

So, happy birthday. Ten years old's a pretty important one, double digits and all. I hope you're doing okay.

Love,

Alex

39.

Dear Ruby,

I know I'm often sad, it's sort of a permanent fixture of my life ; but I also have so much potential for happiness and when I look back on my life, there are so many moments where I have been genuinely happy. This is one such moment ; the days I'm living right now are days that I know I'll always be able to think of as happy.

We put away the last box last night, installed the last knickknack on the shelves, and when we settled on the couch, exhausted, we were home. It would have taken less time if Kara had used her speed to help us but we were adamant on doing it the slow, stupid and homely human way. The right way in short. When we were done, my back hurt more than an old lady and Kelly couldn't stand on her own two feet without her knee buckling under her weight. It was painful, and amazing.

She's getting ready for bed right now, and if I bend just right, well, more like dangle awkwardly out of our bed, I can see her washing her face in the bathroom. We have to keep all doors open for now because we plastered and painted some of the walls and it smells particularly nasty. I chose teal for the bathroom and Kelly chose mauve for the bedroom ; both look particularly weird next to the brick walls but it's our home. We've hung a painting from Kara above our bed and a picture from James in the living room. On the couch, is the quilt Kelly's aunt kept with her until her last breath ; and the clock in the kitchen is the one Dad worked on in the shed every Sunday morning until he died. Mum found it in a box the other day and managed to fit it in her suitcase when she came to visit for the housewarming party. She cried a little when she gave it to us, a couple of perfectly round and glistening widow tears that Kelly wiped out when they hugged. She whispered something in her ear that I didn't hear and that Kara refuses to communicate. All three of them were smiling though, so I know it can't be bad.

We're going to be so happy here, I can feel it.

Love,

Alex

40.

Dear Ruby,

Upside of not living with Kara anymore : I get to eat my own leftovers. Downside of not living with Kara anymore : sometimes I find her in my apartment at random hours of the day (not the night thank God) eating my goddamn leftovers with a side of heart attack. She's lucky I love her.

Love,

Alex

41.

Dear Ruby,

I'm starting to realise that Kelly never truly felt at home in our previous apartment. Retrospectively, it makes a lot of sense and I would kick myself for not seeing this sooner if she hadn't expressly forbidden me from performing self flagellation. She didn't so much move into my apartment as she moved into my bedroom, she didn't really have her own space, her own place to just exist and be a person outside of me. She used to pair up her socks in the washing machine so they wouldn't get mixed up with mine and Kara's for fuck’s sake !

She has a home now, not just a place she's permanently crashing at or a cot in a tent but something that belongs to her, a place where she can leave all of her stuff out and doesn't have to pair up her socks in the laundry basket (seriously I love her but : gross) ; and I think this concept has been foreign to her for a long long time. Witnessing her settling in, and getting to build this home for her and with her is something that I'll eternally be grateful for.

There's something, you know, about coming home to her jacket hung by the door and her shoes next to mine and not just stuffed neatly out of sight, that makes me inexplicably happy. There's something about the flutter in my chest when I see my soap in the shower next to hers that I'm not sure I can fully comprehend. But I think it's okay that I don’t quite get it yet, because I have a lifetime to understand her toothbrush next to mine.

Love,

Alex

42.

Dear Ruby,

We held our first game night at the apartment. It was stressful and I'm not really sure why ; it's not the first game night I organise. Maybe it’s only because it was the first one in our new home. I allegedly went a little bit crazy, drive Kelly up the walls crazy, "babe, remember your breathing exercises" crazy. There was way too much food and Winn had to reset my entire gaming system but otherwise, it was nice.

Kara brought Nia, a new intern from CatCo who might be the most energetic person I've ever met which says a lot considering who my sister is. She paired up with Kara which left Winn with J'onn, something that will never cease to amuse me. Winn is still somewhat terrified of him and spent the whole charade game calling him "sir", which of course Nia found hilarious. I like this kid. She isn't impressed one bit by J'onn and he's taken to her immediately. She does seem to have a gift, some sort of sixth sense when it comes to knowing who's gonna play which card, and I'd rather keep her out of J'onn's team so we don't just systematically get crushed by them.

We stayed up until relatively late, I say relatively because I wasn't really tired but Kelly fell asleep on my lap when we were playing Mario Kart. The sensation of her hands gripping my thighs in her sleep and her face smashed against my stomach had me fall of the road but I don't feel like I've lost (even if I did came in last) ; as long as I get to go to bed with her every night, I'm the ultimate winner, and the happiest person in the world.

Damn, when did I get so sappy ? (This is a rhetorical question that bears no need for an answer, I know I've always been sappy).

Love,

Alex

43.

Dear Ruby,

As it turns out, there are a lot of things to take into consideration when you don't live with a superpowered being. Like how long it takes to dust the shelves, or how many chairs need to be stacked on top of each other to reach the ceiling and turn off the smoke detector. I'm not small by any account (I'm not !), but unlike some people I can't just fly to the ceiling to turn off the wails of Satan when my girlfriend sets fire to our dinner.

I don't wanna know how she did it, I'm not interested in knowing what happened for her to set fire to rice (rice !), I'd rather stay ignorant on the matter. As far as I'm concerned, nobody died, and she, well she made up for it, so we're good. But we should definitely take some cooking classes together ; or set the rule that we can't cook and set up a sexy ambiance at the same time. The sight of my girlfriend in a negligee was definitely cancelled out by the devil screaming in my living room.

Love,

Alex

44.

Dear Ruby,

Came home very late last night, like really really late. It was closer to morning actually. I got caught up at the DEO investigating something Winn helpfully described as a "time disturbance" which turned out to be a whole entire person, from the future. The disturbance's name is Brainy, he's nice. Nia got briefly mixed in too she was wearing blue spandex and I had to threaten to arrest her. Turns out she does have superpowers.

I came home to Kelly asleep on the couch with one arm dangling out of the blanket and the other clutching said blanket tight to her chest, her neck was bent at an awkward angle but she looked peaceful, God, she looked so peaceful.

The lights were off, but the TV was on, the late night news casting a bluish glow on her soft features. She looked ethereal, almost like an apparition and for a moment I was frozen, spellbound, absolutely convinced that if I were to reach out and touch her, she would disappear like if all this time, she'd been nothing more than an apparition. But when I picked her up, when I carried her in my arms, she was solid, warm, present ; she was there. The blanket slipped off and she shivered, buried deep against my chest to fight off the sudden chill. I slept in my jeans, limbs tangled in hers because she didn't want to let me go. It's okay, I didn't want to let her go either.

Love,

Alex

45.

Dear Ruby,

We’re in Midvale for our annual weeklong summer break and the strangest thing just happened. The atmosphere has been kind of weird for the past few days. For once it's not our fault though, there's been an increase in forest fires a bit farther north and the whole town smells like soot because of the wind. If we go up on the cliffs, we can see smoke in the distance, and I think Kara is devising a plan to get Mum back to National City with us.

We were out shopping, just at the corner store and I suddenly started feeling really weird, queasy, like someone had sucked out all the air in the room. At first, I thought this was what at happened, that the fires had caught up with Midvale and we were going to die. But everybody else looked normal, unaffected, and I realised it was just me.

And then, then I bumped into her. Patricia. 

I thought that this was it, I thought that, for all the dangerous situations I’d found myself in over the years, this was going to be my undoing. We stared at each other for a long long time and then she seemed to jump out of her skin and her gaze shifted to somewhere right over my shoulder. She bolted out of here faster than I could react. When Kelly joined me, weighting to herself the pros and cons of two kind of sandwiches (God I love her) I hadn't moved one bit.

Since then I’ve been seeing her everywhere ; not Patricia, Sam. 

The back of a head in a crowd, a silhouette, a shadow. But it's ridiculous, and furthermore impossible ; if she were here, Kara would know, she would have heard her, she would have picked up her trail, she would have killed her. Probably. 

I looked for you too, unconsciously, reactivating the part of my brain that had stopped searching for you in the face of every little girl. I don't even know what you look like.

I asked Mum about it. Well more mumbled a question and started crying. I thought my heart was trying to break out of my chest. She said she's never seen Sam in Midvale, not even once, and yet I can't help but feel like she's here, and that our lives intersected with each other again, even if it was just for a second.

There is a little part of my heart that is always always always going to love her and I hate this little tiny insignificant part of my heart with all I have. 

Kelly held me through the night and at daybreak after hours of feeling like I was about to teeter over the edge and die, she turned me over, burned my eyes with her gaze and promised that she would never leave.

Love,

Alex

46.

Dear Ruby,

"Life goes on" is, I think, the thing I’ve said and written most in my entire life. I don’t know why. Maybe I need the reminder.

Life goes on, you still get up in the morning, still go to work, still come home to the most wonderful girlfriend in the universe even if you feel like the world should have imploded the moment you maybe possibly crossed path with the ex who technically stole a child from you.

Anyway. Life goes on. 

Usually this statement is accompanied by an explosion in the background and J’onn calling me because someone decided to take out the entire alien neighbourhood in one go, but things have been remarkably quiet on that front lately. The only hindrance we're dealing with right now is our blue friend from the future who seems to have taken permanent residence in the DEO. There's a virus in the future targeting his kind and he can't go back for now. His search for a cure led him right to us, or well right to Winn. They're being very secretive about it and I'm not a fan of this but Winn is having a blast so at least there's that.

Brainy also seems to have a strange fascination with Kara which can only mean one thing : she's gonna do something really stupid and heroic that'll carry out all the way to the 31st century. I'm not surprised.

Love,

Alex

47.

Dear Ruby,

Remember when I was saying that my life was distinctly lacking background explosions lately ? Well, I spoke too soon. 

Two weeks ago, some idiot hazardously flying a future spaceship didn't stick the landing and crashed in a building ; the whole thing went up in flames, it was 3am. 

Why ? Why is my life like this ?

This ragtime team in neon tights is here for Brainy because they're short one genius in the fight against everlasting evil. Or something like that, I wasn't really listening because I was tired and putting out fires isn't in my job description (or is it ? I need to check). But Brainy can't go back to the future, so Winn volunteered. And I’m really conflicted about this, because on one hand, tiny harmless Winn, my brother Winn, is going to join the legion of neon pants, in the future ; and on the other, at least it’s not Kara.

We’re having a farewell party tomorrow night but I’ve already said my goodbyes privately, my pride can’t offer to break down in front of strangers. He entrusted me with his dirt collection and I never thought I’d cry over jars of dust but God, did I cry over jars of dust. I feel like shit.

Love,

Alex

48.

Dear Ruby,

It’s snowing. I think the weather decided to gift us a small Christmas miracle after this hell year. 

Festivities are going to be a bit different this time around. We're not going to Midvale, instead, Mum is coming to us and will be staying at Kara's for the week. Brainy's been invited and though he has no idea what Christmas is he seems excited by the prospect and I know for a fact he spent his first DEO pay check on various gifts (meanwhile, he's still sleeping under his desk). 

Nia was supposed to come too, Kara explained in a very cryptic way that she'd had a fight with her sister and didn't want to go home for the holidays, but things must have resolved one way or another because she won't be coming to our party. You'd think one less mouth to feed would help Kelly relax a tiny bit but on the contrary, she's growing more unhinged with each passing day. With been eating Yule log everyday for a week as she tries to find the perfect recipe. She's driving me nuts, I love her.

Love,

Alex

49.

Dear Ruby,

Happy New Year !

God, I have the worst headache.

Kara had to stop me from drunk-asking Kelly to marry me.

I know I shouldn't have drank so much, but I had to find a distraction from our friendly neighbourhood blue alien making moon eyes at Kara's coworker.

I’m going back to bed.

Love,

Alex

50.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly and I had a fantastic Valentine’s Day. I managed to get a day off and we drove up north to Joshua Tree to go camping. What’s more romantic than sleeping on the ground and finding gigantic bugs in your shoes in the morning ? Kelly is a camping person though, and just the other day she was telling me how much she misses sleeping in a tent and how weird she feels about it because of the memories associated with this. So I decided to gift her with new tent memories even though I hate sleeping outdoors and am apparently old enough to die if I sleep on anything that isn't a bed. It was so worth it.

We made s'mores and huddled for warmth. I fell asleep on her shoulder, pointing at constellation and awoke in the tent right as she was about to drop me on the mattress. In the morning, as she was enthusiastically stretching outside, looking absolutely gorgeous in her technical underwear and sleeveless puff jacket, and I was shaking my boots to dislodge a frankly impressive centipede, I realised that I would gladly do that everyday to make her happy. There is solace in the fact that she would most likely prevent me from doing that to make me happy. I almost proposed to her on the spot but chickened out ; her and I, we don't have the greatest history with being engaged.

Back home, we briefly dropped by Nia’s anti-Valentine party which’s got to be the funniest thing I’ve ever witnessed. We arrived in the city relatively late to find Kara hiding in the kitchen, multiple asleep people strewn around the apartment, including Nia, sprawled on her couch and drooling, with her blue suit conspicuously peeking from under her clothes, and Nia’s roommate reading tarot to a bewildered Brainy who looked like he'd have rather been just about anywhere else. He didn't leave though and when I asked him why, he said he was waiting for Nia to wake up to make sure she'd make it home alright. I didn't have the heart to point out that they were already in Nia's apartment. 

Love,

Alex

51.

Dear Ruby,

Happy birthday.

Love,

Alex

52.

Dear Ruby, 

I am absolutely miserable. On the brink of death. I’d be better off giving up already.

Kelly just read over my shoulder and told me to stop being a "big baby."

I have a summer cold. 

My brain is emptying through my sinuses, I can't see shit and a jackhammer has taken permanent residence in my head.

Why must I suffer this way ?

Kara's going to fly back to Midvale to get me some of Mum's soup. I’ll probably be dead before she comes back.

Oh God, snot dripped on the page this is disgusting.

Love,

Alex

53.

Dear Ruby, 

We had to skip our traditional holidays in Midvale this year, instead, Mum came to see us again and we went to a gala in honour of Kara. Well officially the gala is in honour of Cat Grant who’s stepping away from journalism to travel the world and "find herself" (whatever that means) but she took that opportunity to promote Kara and we absolutely needed to celebrate my little sister officially becoming a reporter. I’m really proud of her.

The gala in itself was, well I don’t really know how it rated on the scale of galas since I’d never been to one before, but it was loud, full of sweaty people and tiny food. It wasn't that bad, but galas are now on my list of things that are unnecessary. Kelly looked beautiful though, not that she isn't always beautiful, but every time I looked at her, I felt like I had to relearn how to breathe entirely. She bought a new dress for the occasion, midnight blue, and heels, and she ended up being just an inch taller than me. While Kara was mingling and Mum was bonding with Cat Grant of all people, we carved our own little space, away from everybody. We danced and talked until we were too tired to stand, or well, until Kelly was too tired to stand, I could have stayed up with her all night.

It wasn't that late when we made it home, maybe we're just getting old ; and as we were getting ready for bed, brushing our teeth in the bathroom in a peculiar synchrony, something happened.

She stopped, toothbrush hanging from her lips, and stared at me via the mirror. I could feel my skin prickle under her gaze, like something was bubbling underneath and was aching to come out. My brain rewired itself in a way that I cannot quite comprehend and suddenly I just knew I had to remember everything about this night. 

Kelly put down her toothbrush, spat out her toothpaste and turned to look at me. Her skin was glistening with her makeup remover, the one that smells like baby powder, and she had a string of white toothpaste trickling down her chin. She looked so beautiful like this, more so even than earlier in her brand new dress, sparkling under the string lights of an overrated party. She smiled, very slowly, and in the instant it took for this smile to spread on her face, I was hit with the abrupt fact that I knew exactly what was going to happen. I grew weirdly aware of my own state, Kara's old shirt that I was wearing as a pyjama could have used a turn in the washing machine and my mouth was filled with toothpaste and I could feel my big left toe picking from a hole in my sock. She asked me to marry her.

Kelly asked me to marry her.

Here, in our bathroom, under the shit fluorescent lights that we still haven’t changed, while I was wearing a ratty t-shirt and looked like the least desirable person in the world she asked me to marry her.

I said yes.

Of course I said yes !

And then I proceeded to almost knock her teeth out when I went for a kiss. She broke down in a fit of laughter and then cried a little and I cried a little too and God, we’re engaged.

We had sex right on the bathroom floor, as one does.

Love,

Alex

54.

Dear Ruby,

We’ve made the decision to remain engaged for the time being, to enjoy it, to cherish every moment as fiancées before we move on to being married. Still, I caught Kara taking all her bridal magazines out of storage and Kelly and I know it's only a matter of time before she loses it. I'd bet my right hand she already has a colour scheme picked out for us.

We flew to Midvale, just the two of us, Kara carried me there. We saw Mum of course, that was part of the reason for the trip, but we also visited Dad’s grave and went for a long walk on the beach, to talk. We went all the way to the town and then back to the cliffs and sat there until long after night had fallen. There, under the stars, I asked her if she'd walk me down the aisle and she laughed. That's all it took for me to realise how ridiculous my question was ; of course my sister will walk me down the aisle. Kara would follow me to the end of the Earth with no questions asked and likewise, I would walk across the universe if she needed me to. 

Love,

Alex

55\. 

Dear Ruby,

It’s Christmas again. Can’t believe another year has already nearly came and went. We’re in Midvale this time, all of us. J’onn, and Brainy, and Nia (these two are insufferable) and Kelly, and Kara, and I. 

It smells just like it's always smelled, like spices, mulled wine and pine tree with just a hint of sea salt. Kelly's perpetually got sand in her hair know because she insists on going on walks even when it's windy. Mum is teaching her how to bake gingerbread and I think they’re a little buzzed because they keep laughing and whispering. The fireplace is crackling thanks to Kara ; and Brainy is acting as an amplifier to boost our wifi so she can meet her deadline for her last article of the year. My life is so weird, and I'm so happy.

Love,

Alex

56.

Dear Ruby,

Happy birthday !

This one’s a little special, isn’t it ? Not for you, for me, it’s been ten years. Sometimes, I almost can’t believe it.

Kelly and I have been talking about kids, we're looking into adopting and I can’t wait to embark on this with her.

It hurts just a little, mostly at night when I have trouble falling asleep because I’ve been cursed with insomnia, that you'll never know your siblings but it's okay, that's just the way things are isn’t it ?

It’s been ten years Ruby, and I can say with the utmost certainty, that I am okay. 

Love,

Alex

57.

Dear Ruby,

Kelly and I have been looking at houses in the suburbs. Wow, can’t believe we’re about to do that, can’t believe I’m the kind of person who is going to willingly move to the suburbs, but I am. We want a big garden with enough space for the kids to run around (we’re thinking about having two, two is a good number) and a front porch to sit outside in the evening. I’ll build a swing and we’ll install a barbecue. Kelly’s dreaming about a pool and that’s going to take just a little bit more money but I’ll work myself to the bone to make that happen. 

Kara's a little sour that we'll be moving farther away after the wedding and then remembered that she can fly and therefore swing by to see us whenever. I promised her first dibs on baby-sitting and we'll always have sisters night once a week no matter what. Plus, all of this is still at least a year away from now and we all have time to prepare for the next big thing. 

J'onn has been talking about promoting me again, so I'd spend less time on the field and admittedly, I asked for some time to think about it. Change is scary, even with Kelly by my side, and I don't want for everything to shift away too fast. I say that as a full hypocrite, keeping away from everyone the fact that I've already picked the colour I want to paint our future living room.

Love,

Alex

58\. 

Dear Ruby,

Kara’s got a new neighbour and you will never guess who. I had a bit of a shock myself when I found out.

It’s Lena freaking Luthor. Aka Kara’s science crush, her dream interview and yes, also the sister of a notorious xenophobic maniac. 

I'm giving it a week before they hook up. Kelly's betting on a month because she thinks Kara's too much of a gentlewoman.

And I know, yes, I know, that betting on my sister's love life is not nice but she served this one on a silver platter ; I swear she had stars in her eyes when she was talking about her. It's hilarious, but only a little. Mostly I hope Lena Luthor is a good one, Kara deserves as much.

Love,

Alex

59.

Ruby.


	5. Ruby

Dear Ruby,

I know. I know, it’s been a while. But in my defence, there was a lot going on. My sister died, temporarily. I got married. Went to space. You and Sam came back. 

You came back.

I suppose I didn't see the purpose of writing to you anymore when you were right here again. It took me a while to remember I hadn't been writing to you at all for quite some time already, but to a version of you that I'd made up because I needed to talk to someone. Ruby, you’re so much better than anything I could have ever imagined. 

To be completely honest, I think the hardest part was to come to term with the fact that I'd stopped believing I'd ever see you again a long time ago. I felt like I'd fail you, like I didn’t deserve to write to you anymore. Maybe one day I'll explain all of this to you. I'm in no hurry though, we have all the time in the world. 

It's the strangest thing, knowing that if I want to, I can just put down my pen, close my journal and text you instead. I know your mother wouldn't mind you coming over for dinner. She'd probably come over too, if only to laugh when you kick my ass at Mario Kart. Her and Kelly have that very annoying tendency to tag team on me. I'm gonna tell you a secret though : I don't mind. I want them both in my life and I’m happy they get along. 

I have another secret, a confession that I grappled with for quite some time now. I love her. That little part of my heart that was keeping these feelings fossilised and dormant has burst open and, and I think I’m okay with it. When I look at Sam these days it’s like things were always meant to be this way, we were always meant to find each other again. I don’t really know where this is going, but I’m in no rush. I know at some point I’ll need to talk about it with Kelly (though if I’m being honest with myself I know she knows) but for now I’m just happy with existing in this limbo in which I don’t hate myself for any of that.

It's really weird for me, not hating myself, because even at the points of my life during which I've been very happy, I've always had this barely concealed self-hatred ready to bubble out of me at the first opportunity. Hating yourself is so easy you know, loving yourself is so much harder, it takes so much work and time and dedication to piece everything together again every time it gets knocked sideways. I don't really know all about you yet, I'm still learning, but I'm going to teach you that, how to love yourself first and foremost. And even if sometimes you don't, because you won't always, that's just the way things are, I will always, always be there to remind you of that. I’m never letting you go again.

Love,

_Mum_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me up to the end of this _very_ long journey ! I have a little reward for all of you ! I hinted at it on twitter a couple of times but I'm making it official here, there will be a sequel to _Dreamboat_ ! Coming your way sometime in 2021 you'll get more Supercorp, more drama, more angst, more cyborg shenanigans and um, some good Alex/Kelly/Sam because I said so 😎

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know when I'll be able to post the two remaining chapters, but I will do it !  
> Chapter 2 will be about Maggie and chapter 3 about Kelly.  
> (Yeyu means Mum in Kryptonese)


End file.
